Mitchell Report: Lost Files

As our readership grows, so does our commitment to provide you with the sort of fictional cutting edge news stories you won't find on other free blogging sites with a weekly readership of 15.

So, as we head into the new year, it's only right that we tarnish more reputations with "The Mitchell Report: The Lost Files". The following four names appeared in this special edition previously unreleased to the public:

#1. 1980 U.S. Men's Hockey Team (Olympic Gold Medal Winners)

Do you believe in miracles!?! No... not really.

#2. Clubber Lang (Former Heavyweight Champion)

He lives alone, he trains alone, he juices alone. Two instances of unmitigated aggression point to Clubber's use of performance enhancing drugs: his infamous "Hey Woman" diatribe at Rocky's statue unveiling, and his slaughtering of an endangered bald eagle to fashion himself a pair of designer ear rings.



#3. Al Bundy (Polk High's all-time leading rusher, recorded 4 TD in one game)

Remember how this show was lewd for it's time, and was a groundbreaker for smut in prime time television in the 90's? It was amazing how anything could be related back to sex:

Al: And I would've scored 5 TD in one game had I not been 6 inches short that day.

Peg: It's ironic... now you're 6 inches too short in the bedroom every night!

Laugh Track: (Howls)

Sitcom Writing 101 by Ferguson Gretzposito: in stores now.

#4. Jimmy Chitwood (Hickory Huskers leading scorer, malcontent)

The 'roids gave Chitwood the confidence to make his famous "I'll Make It" guarantee against South Bend Central High School in the 1951 Indiana State High School Basketball Championships. On a professional level, this is the same sort of confidence Roger Clemens gained to have him actually pitch well in a game that mattered.

Gretzpo