Mini Mailbag

Last Wednesday, I implored my readers to send in questions/comments for me to address. I got a whopping five responses. I must lead the Internet in reader apathy.

But, I’m going to answer the questions that were sent in because they were quite good. Also, I’m taking Monday off because it is Family Day up here in the Great White North. How am I celebrating? By going to Hooters for dinner.

Q: I'm disappointed to read that you have nothing to write about after an introduction to what I am willing to deem the most unknown and underrated board game in existence: crokinole. It combines great skill, strategy, camaraderie and excitement into an explosive and hilarious half hour within a squared circle of friends. Nothing to write about? For shame.

AC

A: AC is completely correct in his claim. We both attended the same party at the end of January and took part in the featured game of crokinole. We ended up being crowned crokinole champions. It’s basically a shuffleboard/curling mix played on a table top.

This is what my life as a party animal has succumbed to. In my younger days, parties would involve various drinking games, nudity and the loss of innocence. Now, I go to ‘functions’ to play board games and eat off of fancy cheese platters.

Q: The Hamilton Spectator recently ran this article about competitive cheerleading and the Olympics. Do you believe that competitive cheerleading belongs in the Olympics? Would love to hear your opinion and comments on the article.

Those Who Can’t Do . . . Coach

A: My short answer: No. Competitive cheerleading does not belong in the Olympics. I am not disputing the skill, strength and athleticism needed to pursue such an endeavour, but the Summer Olympic roster is bloated enough as it is. I don’t think trampoline or modern pentathlon should be contested at the Olympics either.

However, I do consider competitive cheerleading to be a sport, as it’s markedly different from the pom pom variety (also, because I know who posted this question and I’m slightly scared of her).

To me, competitive cheerleading seems like a watered-down version of gymnastics. Leave the Olympics to the gymnasts and have competitive cheerleading be a place where retired gymnastic practitioners can continue to pursue athletics.

There must be a reason why the guy in the article left gymnastics to pursue cheerleading. My guess is cheering is easier on the body than gymnastics. Therefore, why should it be on the Olympic program as an ‘simpler’ version of gymnastics?

To say cheerleading should be in the Olympics is analogous to me saying Crossfit should be in there as well. It just doesn’t make sense. You don’t need Olympic aspirations to legitimize your sport of choice.

Q: I have a partially torn supraspinatus muscle (of rotator cuff fame) in my left shoulder. I'm not sure how long it's going to take to heal, but there's a good chance that I won't be strong enough to take the mound this season. My dear Tewks - in the face of such a devastating setback in my quest for greatness, what do I have left to live for? Inspire me.

Thy Drunken Rookie

A: I didn’t know it was possible to tear a rotator cuff muscle when your hardest pitch tops out at 43 miles per hour?

TDR, I know how much you love the game, but let’s be honest: your lackadaisical attitude towards hard work and lifting weights were your biggest detriments on your ‘quest for greatness’. NOT a torn muscle.

I’d suggest play another position, but we both know that’s not an option as, like me, you are doomed to only possess one baseball tool: the ability to throw.

However, my friend, think about the positives from this setback. Now you don’t have to spend all summer hanging around a ball diamond. You live in the most picturesque locale in Canada. Enjoy the beach babes; remember what I’ve taught you. Play beach volleyball to your heart’s content. Come visit Ontario. There are a myriad of options at your fingertips.

Don’t fret.

Q: Although the uncouthness of this blog highlights how you speak with other men, I am sure you are quite debonair amongst the ladies. If this is the case, I would like to know your thoughts on what an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift is for women. To increase the difficulty, what does a woman get a man for the occasion? (Please refrain from an answer involving the words ‘naked’ or ‘lingerie’). All I have heard this week is women complaining that they don’t know what to get their man.

I would also like to make a request of you to start a weekly post with your thoughts on Survivor (I know you watch it). This season’s ‘Heroes vs. Villains’ is going to be full of cut-throat dealings with the devil, a.k.a. Russell. My favourites: Colby, Boston Rob, Russell. Creepiest couple on Survivor: Jerri and Coach. Excuse me while I vomit. Also, thank god Sugar is gone... what an idiot. I love how Colby wouldn’t even acknowledge her attempts to seduce him. Someone should tell her that following a guy around like a lost puppy won’t make him like you. Silly, silly girl.

Rambo

A: First off, saying I’m debonair with the ladies is like saying Michelangelo was a pretty good painter. It doesn’t begin to do my prowess with the fairer sex justice.

Valentine’s Day gift? Here’s a rudimentary guide for my male readers. If you’ve been dating a special lady for over a year, you need to step it up with a pretty good gift. I’m thinking jewellery or a weekend away to Pennsylvania Dutch Country.

If it’s less than a year, I think a good night out should suffice with maybe a surprise thrown in for good measure. Bonus points if it’s something the girl has wanted to do for a while. Proving you listen to the words that come out of her mouth is uber important. Be ‘thoughtful.’ Chicks eat that stuff up.

I don’t think women should get men anything for Valentine’s Day. Let’s be honest, it’s a woman-driven holiday to begin with. But, there should be some reciprocation. For that I have two words: March 14th. For information on the significance of such a date, check out my column from last Valentine’s Day. I like mine medium rare.

Q: Since you are an avid reality show voyeur, I wonder if you can comment on the show that started it all: Survivor. Can you handicap the heroes and villains version starting next week?

Dwight from Scranton

A: Two Survivor related questions in the past week. I used to be the biggest Survivor fan imaginable. I never missed an episode in the first thirteen seasons. But, somewhere along the way, I lost my drive for the show.

That all changed with the cast list for this year’s Heroes vs. Villains. I will watch Boston Rob in anything. He is the greatest and last night, he did not disappoint.

I love how his entire tribe said they wouldn’t fall for his charms and as soon as he made fire, everyone fawned all over him. I really thought Coach was going to makeout with him.

I’d never seen Coach or Russell before and I must say I am thoroughly impressed. They both make for great entertainment.

Too much happened over the course of the episode to get into here, but I will heed Rambo’s advice and produce a recap every Friday. It’s too good not to.