The Saints Marched In

Before I climb aboard the bitter bus and unleash my cutting, cynical observations from last night’s Super Bowl, let me congratulate the New Orleans Saints for their hard-fought victory over the Indianapolis Colts.

I’m happy God decided to allow the Saints to win a football game as a peace offering for Hurricane Katrina. I’m sure the thousands of people still displaced from their original neighbourhoods were ecstatic for the Super Bowl win. At least that’s what the mainstream media wants us to believe.

I watched the game at a party of 25 people, three of whom (myself included) were actually football fans. Tewks, why would you subject yourself to such a football-deficient atmosphere?

Well, the party was extremely well-run and the food was beyond terrific. The quality of the eats at a party cannot be underestimated enough. That is always the deciding factor when I choose to attend the myriad of parties I’m invited to every weekend (I’m like Paris Hilton).

And I don’t even mind if non-football fans are in attendance as long as two conditions are met:

1. The premium seats are reserved for the people who actually have a vested interest in the game.

Unfortunately, this clause was broken as four idiots who knew nothing about the game commandeered the couch in front of the TV. I was stuck in an uncomfortable plastic chair for four hours. My ass was sorer than Andy Dufrene’s after his time with the Sisters in The Shawshank Redemption.

2. Stupid football questions are kept to a minimum.

Strike two. I don’t care if people are curious about the game action and want further insight on why penalties were called or why one team is running the ball so much. But, I cannot stand questions like “What does fourth down mean?” or “Different players play on offence and defence?”

What’s more, these questions were asked by a full-blown lesbian. Like a real manly looking one. I guarantee she could have beaten me in an arm wrestle. I almost said, “Nice to meet you, fella” when we were first introduced. Shouldn’t she know such football basics? However, her girlfriend was pretty hot, so I have to respect her game.

Another guy had the audacity to ask, with a straight face, “Who is Peyton Manning?” Are you fucking serious? Why would you even go to a Super Bowl party if you didn’t know the answer to that question? His testicles should have been removed on the spot.

Both offences played very well, but New Orleans just had a better red zone attack. Manning had a great game, 31-45 for 333 yards, but I don’t understand why the Colts abandoned any semblance of a deep passing attack. Their touchdown was the only long distance completion they made the entire game. By sticking to short passes, Indy made it easy on the Saints defence.

Drew Brees solidified his position as a great quarterback. He kept his composure after New Orleans was down 10-0 and brought home the first Super Bowl championship in Saints history.

The onside kick in the third quarter will go down as the pivotal moment of the 2009 season. I admire such ballsy decision-making. It was a risky play, but the ensuing momentum shift was more than enough to propel the Saints to victory.

The Colts were too conservative and that ultimately led to their downfall.

Final playoff record: 6-5

For not knowing what I’m talking about, I’d say that’s pretty good.