The Long Goodbye

(The #1 BOD of all time and my future ex-wife)

It’s a sad day in Tewks land. This is the final article to be written by me for this blog. Over the past week, I’ve toyed with the idea of maybe returning periodically with a column, but I don’t think that’s fair to me or the readers. As CSzem so eloquently stated in the podcast on Tuesday, my departure is akin to Barry Sander’s retirement from the NFL.

You wouldn’t want an out of shape Sanders playing four games a year, a shell of his former self. That would cloud your memories of his greatness. You want him to ride off into the sunset with his head held handsome, leaving the fans to discuss his legacy.

I just compared my writing to Barry Sanders, one of the greatest running backs of all time, all while maintaining a straight face. See, writing as Tewks is hard work. Not just anyone can pull off delusions of grandeur with such effortless precision. There’s no way I could catch similar lightning in a bottle only writing a column every six to eight weeks.

So, like Barry, I am going to take my pen and go home. It’s time and I am at peace with my decision. Also, let me tell you all right now, there’s no chance of me pulling a Brett Favre and waffling back and forth, stringing people along, making them think I might come back. I know when to say goodbye. I am nothing like Brett Favre; except that I do occasionally send pictures of my penis to random women.

Why am I stopping the blog? What catalyzed the decision? Can you still read some of my writing?

I think I’ve managed to squeeze everything I can out of this blog, writing-wise. I’ve proved to myself that I can produce funny, witty, well-written pieces on a variety of sports and non-sports related topics on a daily and weekly basis. Truthfully, I never thought I’d be able to keep the blog going for so long or maintain a consistent readership.

I’ve even be able to parlay my writing in this space into some professional writing relationships and opportunities that would have never been possible without the Tewks persona and my irreverent take on pop culture.

For those of you who read my “I Dream of Long Bus Rides” baseball blog, you will know that I am currently playing semi professional baseball in London, ON. Furthermore, I’ve been offered a weekly column with Metro News London writing about my experiences with the team. It’s a great opportunity for my writing career (Here is an intro and bio to the column).

So, you can still read my writing although the Tewks persona will no longer be in print. I will continue writing a weekly column every Wednesday for “I Dream of Long Bus Rides” and my column for the Metro News is posted every Friday (here is the first one).

Also, I still plan on recording a podcast every week and that will continue to be posted on Tuesday morning. Plus, the blog archive on your right is at your fingertips—it goes back to 2007—for those of you in need of a Tewks fix. If you’re a hot chick, you can email me directly.

The first iteration of this website was Gretzpo’s Sports Blog. If you read the initial columns, I think we can all agree that the site was terrible. I joined a few months in as a guest columnist and expected to be nothing more. But I enjoyed writing as Tewks and wanted to continue. I became a regular contributor as Gretzpo slowly phased himself out and put the readers out of their misery. In 2009, I reformatted the blog—renaming it Talkin’ with Tewks—and challenged myself to a new article each and every weekday.

That continued until the end of 2010 when I created the baseball blog and I moved to once a week column. CSzem came aboard a little more than a year ago with the start of the weekly podcast and, as I’ve stated previously, they will continue into the future.

Without further adieu, these are the final questions I will answer from my readers.

Q. The way I see it, the leafs took a chance on getting a proven goal scorer. Do you think Burke planned on coming in 2nd last? No. If the leafs had the 5th or 6th spot in the draft, we would have won the trade. Obviously that didn't happen and yes, Seguin would look good in a leafs uni, but hey, I still think Burke is doing an awesome job even though he lost that gamble.

What trade you should be talking about (because the Kessel trade is old news) is the Thomas Kaberle trade who isn't doing so hot. The leafs got a first round pick, Joe Colborne (a Boston first rounder, who is still in his first Pro year and had a very good AHL season), and a conditional second round pick. What is the condition you ask? Oh that Boston makes it to the cup final. So as a leaf fan, I am cheering for Boston and when Seguin came out a lite it up, I had a big smile on my face.

Ron

Ronald, where have you been all my life. I always love the chance to interact with delusional Leaf fans. Your first paragraph is littered with disparate viewpoints. You state that Brian Burke is doing an awesome job as general manager, but yet he put together a team that, in your words, finished second last in the league. The team has yet to make the playoffs under Burke’s leadership. How is that awesome? Yes, Kessel is a proven goal scorer, but do you really want to build a team around someone with such maddeningly inconsistent play? You admit Seguin would look good in a Leafs uniform, so that means the Leafs did lose the trade after all?

Then just a like a typical Toronto fan, you gloss over the Kessel trade, calling it old news (it won’t be old until Seguin is enshrined in the Hall of Fame) and want to focus on the Kaberle trade. You wax poetic about some guy I’ve never heard of and then get excited about a second round draft pick. You would actually rather have the Bruins win the cup, making Burke looking even more foolish, just for the opportunity to pick a kid who, statistically, probably won’t play more than ten games in the NHL?

I want to study your fandom for a science experiment. I really have no idea what goes through such a mind.

Q. Say it ain’t so Tewks. No more words of wisdom. What can Tiger do to get his game back if anything? Is this all in his head? Did the skill just leave because he hit a tree and took a 9 iron across the noggin from Elin?

Dwight

The skill is obviously still there. Bad players don’t finish tied for 4th at the Masters. And I think it’s foolish to think Tiger can still play at the same level he did during his apex in 2000. We will never see a stretch like that again.

There are three things I want to discuss about Tiger. First, he is currently dating a 22 year old woman who Tigers knows through the girl’s dad—a business colleague—and Tiger first met her when she was 9 years old. Kind of creepy. I don’t think he’s ready mentally to win another major yet. Second, when Tiger first burst onto the scene, his Dad predicted he would win 14 Majors in his career. It was a ridiculous prediction for someone who hadn’t won a PGA Tour title, but here we are, almost two decades later and Tiger’s stuck on 14. Third, Tiger is still somehow ahead of Jack Nicklaus’ pace. Jack didn’t win his 15th Major until he was 38; Tiger is 35. He still has time left. I'm more worried about his knees holding up.

Q. Given the evidence that has been brought forth – Grand Jury testimony by eye witnesses of doping, confirmed failed drug test by the Swiss lab that did the test, the intervention of the governing body and Lance himself to cover up that test, money donated by Lance to the governing body that is deemed very suspicious, etc., should Lance Armstrong go to jail just as Marion Jones did.

AG

This is a great topic and it deserves more dissection than a mailbag question. CSzem and I will tackle this in next week’s podcast.

Q. Where did the nickname Tewks come from?

Steve

I can’t believe I’ve never actually answered this until now. When I played baseball in college, we were given free workout gear by the school. For some reason, my stuff was three sizes too small for my body. When I tried the shirt and shorts on, it looked like I was wearing a belly top and Daisy Duke shorts.

The team captain remarked that I looked like Mark Tewksbury, the gay Canadian Olympic swimmer. The nickname Tewks stuck. I thought it was clever and it was quickly adopted by the rest of the team. They even photo-shopped my face onto this book jacket and put it in my locker. Politically incorrect and in bad taste? Who gives a shit. Hilarious? Absolutely. A few months later I wrote my first column for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog under that pseudonym. The rest is history.

AG went off and posted ten more questions in rapid style fashion. Rather than repost them here, and make this column into a novel, I just answered each one in a few sentences. If you want see what question my answer refers to, check out last week’s comments section here.

1. Absolutely correct. Although it sounds better when I say I’m chasing a dream, looking for my shot, blah blah blah.

2. That’s a tough question. How much money is involved? Because the Intercounty League is a working man’s league, I might be able to pull off both. I need more information on this scenario.

3. The Year of Tewks is happening, but I was just incorrect on my astrological calculations. It was always supposed to be 2011 and not 2010. My bad. However, I’m right so far. Things are percolating.

4. I swear on my perfectly symmetrical face and body that I do not use a thesaurus. I naturally have a loquacious vocabulary. Please don’t confuse my lack of pronunciation ability with fraudulent garrulousness. I take great pride in my verbosity.

5. There was a huge caveat in my philandering athletes hypothesis. As I stated before, I am referring to professional athletes in major sports leagues with a certain level of fame and millions of dollars in their bank accounts. I apply to none of those categories. Nothing to worry about.

6. Of course.

7. Wipeout Canada is less about athletic ability and more about dumb luck. I would get too frustrated watching a mousy housewife or some fat guy beat me in one of those ridiculous challenges. No thanks.

8. I don’t understand the Oprah phenomenon, but I would not want to draw the ire of 20,000 crazy women looking to pilgrimage to the Windy City for her last show. The NBA made the smart decision. All women are insane, best not to poke them with a stick.

9. I completely forget about that bet. And I think he did too. Let’s hope it stays that way.

10. It’s like getting two teeth pulled simultaneously.

Q. I’ve decided to diagnose myself with 'dead penis.' Should I go the Brett Cecil way and try to regain my penis by slumming it up in the minors? Or should I go the Phil Hughes way and put myself on the DL, thereby removing my penis from action?

Gretzpo

I legitimately LOL’d at this question. Well done sir. First of all, if you’re going to compare your penis to a baseball player, it should be that midget who got one at-bat back in the 1940s. Second, I’ve seen the women you frequent with; I don’t think you’ve ever been called up to the majors. You’ve made a career out of slumming it up in the minors. In fact, you still might be in rookie ball.

What should you do? Do you only care about yourself? If yes, then by all means embrace your inner Cecil and keep throwing slop in the minors. You probably suck at it anyway, so the only way to get better is through more reps. If no, then put yourself on the DL. Save some poor unsuspecting women the discomfort of having sex with you.

Q. Top 5 thing you have done on the blog (columns or podcasts). Rank the top 5 hottest women from Reality TV (excluding American Idol, since Carrie Underwood renders the discussion pointless).

CSzem

Nice wrap-up questions. I’m going to do the first one in no particular order as it would be like asking a mother to pick her favourite child.

My first column. I still think it holds up very well years later. It actually started as an assignment for my college journalism class and then I Tewks-ified it for Gretzpo’s blog. The argument still resonates today, although they both kind of suck now.

The column with the first BOD. Not for what I wrote, but solely for the genius that was putting a picture of a hot chick at the start of each column. It raised my hits meter considerably and more than a few people stayed to read the column after Googling hot chicks. Also, it gave me an excuse every day to scour the Internet for pictures of babes. Not a bad gig (Addendum: while looking for that column, I found this one instead. It's much better and the picture is cuter).

My first Cuba Trip Review. The idea of writing a review of a trip I took with Gretzpo may not seem like an interesting column idea, but I think I was able to make an entertaining and funny column out of it. Plus, this was the column where we first revealed our Daniel Craig photo shoot. Check out last year’s pics too because I’m in much better shape in Year 2.

Remeberance Day 2009. No sports, no jokes. Just a tribute those who served in the armed forces. I think it's my best writing.

The Next Sidd Finch. A feature story on Stephen Strasburg before he was drafted and burst into the national consciousness. I actually did some real research for this column to look like a professional journalist. It reads quite well, but still filled with the sophomoric humour that has become the hallmark of this blog.

The second list will also be in no particular order because I have pleasured myself to images of all five women.

Ali from the Bachelorette. Do I really need to add anything here? My love for her is legendary.

Amber from Survivor. But only because I couldn’t pick Boston Rob.

Lauren Conrad from The Hills. The ultimate girl next door. If that girl had her own TV show and was a millionaire.

Stacy Keibler from Dancing with the Stars. Legs. That is all.

The Blonde from Are You Hot? The Search for America’s Sexiest People. Do you remember this show? It was on the air for one season in 2003. I watched a couple of episodes. There was a blonde contestant who was so smoking hot that I literally did not know how to handle it. I was so attracted to her that I actually went onto the website and voted to keep her on the show. I haven't done something like that before or since. Somehow she got eliminated. She was my white whale.

Q. Tewks, you are awesome. Congratulations on a great run. You’re the best.

Love,

Tewks

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks to everyone who has read the columns over the years. It has been a great experience writing for this blog. Jesus, I am actually a little emotional right now. I am going to miss writing as Tewks, but it’s time to move on. If you have any memories, you'd like to share in the comments, please do.

And remember to listen to the podcasts posted every Tuesday right here on Talkin’ with Tewks.

Gooooood Bye Vietnammmmmm!!!!