Talkin' With Tewks: The Next Sidd Finch?

The North American media hype machine is revving up to Chuck Yeager type levels with its coverage of the newest pitching phenom, San Diego State’s Stephen Strasburg. Both Sports Illustrated and ESPN have devoted feature stories on the flame-throwing—actually flame doesn’t do this kid justice . . . . they’ve featured stories on the napalm-throwing (I love the smell of fastballs in the morning) righthander over the past few weeks.

And since Talkin' with Tewks is the third member of sports writing’s Holy Trinity, I’ve decided to join the party and weigh in on the real life version of Sidd Finch.

For those of you who come to this blog for celebrity musings and pop culture non sequiturs, I’ll briefly run down The Curious Case of Sidd Finch. On April Fools Day 1985 (9 days before your man Tewks emerged from the womb), legendary SI writer George Plimpton created the tale of an enigmatic New York Mets prospect who could allegedly throw 168 miles per hour having never played baseball before.

Not only that, but Mr. Finch was able to achieve such velocity while only wearing one shoe—a hiking boot. This extraordinary speed was achieved by Sidd’s mastery of yoga. The saddest part of this tale is that thousands of people believed the article to be true. That is a sad commentary on the mental acuity of people from the 1980s.

I would vomit in terror if I was one of the college kids forced to hit against him on a weekly basis. What about his catcher? How does he prepare himself for catching that hot, stinky cheddar? That guy must be as tough as nails. Imagine catching some walk-on plug who can’t hit 79 on a good day and then having to handle the Strasburg express. The anticipation of catching a Strasburg start would keep me up at night.

Stevie’s 2009 stats are otherworldly for D1 college baseball (remember they use aluminum bats):

ERA W-L IP     H  R ER BB SO 2B 3B HR

1.70 5-0  42.1 24 9  8     8    88  5     0   2

Where do I begin? He’s averaging over two strikeouts an inning as a STARTING pitcher. His WHIP is under 0.75 (when 1 is considered fantastic). His strikeout to walk ratio, the hallmark of a dominating pitcher with pinpoint control, is an astronomical 11 to 1.

How the hell did he give up two home runs? Obviously, those two guys closed their eyes, guessed fastball, started their swing on Strasburg’s first move, and ping-ed (aluminum bats are the Crocs of baseball) the ball over the fence. I’m sure horseshoes dropped out their asses as they trotted around the bases.

It will be interesting to see how things shake out once the draft rolls around. By that time, my fledgling mancrush on Mr. Strasburg may approach consideration for a position on my Top 10 list.Strasburg has basically exploded into the national consciousness with documented reports of a 103 mile per hour fastball. To compare, my fastball can hit 82 depending on which way the wind is blowing. 103? Are you kidding me? That would be like trying to hit a bullet. This from a 20 year old college pitcher who couldn’t run 400m without throwing up less than two years ago.

Before this year, the largest contract ever signed by a player chosen in the June entry draft was approximately $10 million. There are rumours of Strasburg signing a contract for (Dr. Evil voice) Fifty . . . .million . . . .dollars. What agent is basically saying this kid is 500 times better than any player in the history of the draft? The one, the only: Scott Boras. He makes Donald Trump look like Regis Philbin.

Boras has such an infamous reputation in baseball circles for creating unnecessarily long, drawn out negotiations and generally being a huge jerk, that the Washington Nationals (the owners of the #1 pick) have reportedly considered bypassing Strasburg for some no name guy; which would be like passing on the filet mignon at a five star restaurant to eat street meat grilled by some guy who doesn’t wash his hands and smells like holy hell.

To completely understand the Strasburg phenomenon, I broke traditional protocol and did some actual research for this column to see the kid for myself.

Wow.

If I could somehow have sex with someone’s pitching performance, I would make sweet, sweet love to Stephen Strasburg(‘s highlight videos).

The guy is literally a boy among men. Not only does Strasburg have a +100 MPH fastball but, unlike other power pitchers, he has MOVEMENT on his heater!! Most guys who throw gas throw straight as a string and have no idea where it’s going. Strasburg can shoot the knees and nibble corners with fastballs that both cut and tail.

Plus he has tremendous off speed stuff. Strasburg is more than just a thrower; he’s a complete pitcher and that is the biggest difference between him and other country farm boys who can light up a radar gun, but couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a fucking boat (assist to Bull Durham for that one).