So, what I’m going to do is partition my previews of each playoff game with my thoughts on the greatest show in the history of television. Plus, this will allow some readers to call me a homo for watching such crap, while still getting their sports fix.
Arizona Cardinals vs. New Orleans Saints
This game will actually have a chance of eclipsing the all-time points record set in the Cardinals game against the Packers last week. You have two great quarterbacks playing in a dome against suspect defences. I am expecting a shootout.
Arizona comes into the game on a roll (eerily similar to last season) while the Saints, after an unbelievable start, limped to the finish line. To pick the winner in this contest, I am going to unveil my patented playoff picking algorithm. All other things being equal, always pick the team that has the best looking quarterback.
Drew Brees has a receding hairline, a misshapen head and pasty skin. Kurt Warner has the symmetrical facial features and strong jaw line that instils confidence in subordinates and is indicative of a leader of men (much like myself).
The Pick: Arizona
Snooki was put through the emotional wringer this week. At the beginning of the episode, she let the audience know of her existential quandary in coming to the Jersey Shore house. Apparently, Snooki is studying to become a veterinary assistant at community college (which is like high school, but with more casual sex and binge drinking).
She was forced to skip her last semester of school to live at the Jersey Shore for the summer. Snooki was pretty broken up by her decision, but the meathead farm boy she was with last night shed some light on the situation (pun not intended) for her. He said that Snooki shouldn’t regret her decision because “the biggest risk in life is not taking a risk.”
She went on an MTV television show for Christ’s sake! She didn’t make the decision to go build a school in Africa. She decided to drink and party for eight week while the cameras rolled. Get a fucking grip on reality.
Baltimore Ravens vs. Indianapolis Colts
The Ravens thoroughly beat down the Patriots last week. The Colts extinguished their tremendous momentum by crapping the bed in the final two games of the season.
But, I really don’t see how Indy can lose this game. In fact, I am making it my lock of the week. Peyton Manning is on a mission this year. He wants to add a second Super Bowl ring to his fourth MVP trophy. This is his game to lose.
The Pick: Indianapolis
Is Jwoww an actual whore? I seriously cannot tell the difference between her and a regular prostitute based on her choice of clothing. I’m pretty sure most hookers would consider Jwoww’s wardrobe to be too revealing. She doesn’t even wear full articles of clothing; most of her stuff appears to be pieces of cloth clinging perilously to her fake breasts.
Sammy and Ron are the most annoying couple on TV. She is a soul-sucking girlfriend. Sammy makes me slowly lose my will to live and I only spend one hour a week with her. I can’t imagine what her insanity is doing to poor Ronnie.
Although, it now makes sense why he fights all the time; he has to take that anger out on someone. They fight, break-up and then makeup at least twice an episode. It’s horrible.
Dallas Cowboys vs. Minnesota Vikings
The Cowboys are going to reek of ‘happy to be here’ status on Sunday afternoon. Last week was their first playoff win since 1996, so expect them to have an emotional letdown.
Is there any way the Vikings lose a playoff game at home? I don’t think so.
Truthfully, this preview could be written with just two words. It’s pretty obvious who is winning this game:
Brett Favre.
The Pick: Vikings
I really enjoyed the house dinner in Atlantic City. The Situation, self-described as the “man of house” (what house is he living in?), proceeded to insult everyone at the table to prove himself worthy of Alpha Dog status. Snooki misguidedly attempted to engage The Situation in a battle of wits (and I use that term very loosely).
She got off a few good zingers, but The Situation put her in her place when he indirectly said she was fat. Sure it was a low blow, but if Snooki can’t take the heat, she should get out of the kitchen. It’s not fair that she can ridicule The Situation, but if he fires back, then he’s the asshole.
The stupidity of the entire argument was perfectly encapsulated by Sammy. She remarked that The Situation “didn’t even have the audacity to apologize to Snooki” for calling her fat.
What?
When the smartest person in the house doesn’t know the meaning of simple words, then you know you are dealing with transcendent television.
New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers
There’s no way in hell Dirty Sanchez can replicate his performance from last weekend. He is going to leave a skidmark of epic proportions in San Diego Sunday night.
I would say the Jets have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this game, but that would be unfair to the snowball. The Chargers have won 11 games in a row. Rex Ryan, the Jets head coach, thought his team was eliminated from playoff contention three weeks ago.
The Pick: San Diego
The Situation, Pauly D and Vinny all talk about how they pick up such hot chicks. It might be my TV screen, but every girl they’ve hooked up with is BRUTAL. I mean ugly, ugly.
These guys need to develop some standards.
Why did Jwoww need The Situation to walk her home from the bar? She was perfectly cogent and The Situation had his hands full with that ‘model’. Also, Pauly D was sitting right there too. I think The Situation gets a bad rap from his housemates.
There wouldn’t be a show without The Situation.
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