The NHL Experiments with R and D

(BOD - Charisma Carpenter. Thanks to SSzem for bringing the babes back for your enjoyment)

I realize that I am being a hypocrite with today’s column; I’ve long blasted the incessant coverage of the sport of hockey by the Canadian media at the expense of better sports like baseball, and here I am writing about the NHL in the middle of August.

In my defence, what else was I supposed to write about today? Brett Favre’s return? I don’t think so. I’ve written way too many words about that egomaniac and he doesn’t deserve any more attention until the NFL season actually starts.

Members of hockey’s brain trust have invaded Toronto, the Maple Leafs training facility to be exact, for two days to discuss changes to the game of hockey to make it better. Primarily, the various initiatives being suggested and tried out at the summit all attempt to improve the game’s offence. It’s a goaltender’s worst nightmare.

I figured I would take a look at all of the ideas being suggested and then divulge my very educated opinion on which potential rule changes would make sense in today’s NHL.

I’m not a fan of the hybrid icing rule, which is a combination of the regular icing rule and no-touch icing. The regular icing rule needs to be eliminated as it’s too dangerous for players who are so big and fast to be barrelling towards the endboards in a frantic race to the puck. The hybrid rule gives the lineman the discretion to assume who will touch the puck first. I think it’s a bad idea and will cause way too many arguments. Just make it no touch icing and be done with it.

The following suggestions are retarded and don’t need my reasoning why: red mesh on the nets instead of white, increase the goaltender crease, faceoff dots in front of the goal, and a faceoff variation where the puck is placed on the dot and players battle for the puck on the whistle.

I like the idea of 3 on 3 overtime. However, 2 on 2 is a little ridiculous. Wider blue lines to increase the size of the offensive zone might be the best idea suggested and it won’t drastically change the complexion of the ice surface. The faceoff dots in front of the goal just creeped me out and the surface no longer resembled a hockey rink to me. All I could think about, while I was mesmerized by the giant circle and dot in front of the goal, was the chick in Total Recall with three boobs.

I have to take umbrage with Joe Nieuwendyk and his comments about shrinking the depth of the net by four inches. The point of that move is to supposedly create more offence because it gives players more room behind the net and allows them to move quicker post to post. Nieuwendyk said, “Four inches doesn’t seem like a lot, but I thought it created a goal this morning.”

Now, hold on, Joe. Four inches is plenty. Huge actually. A completely normal size. And to have you say it’s not enough may hurt some people’s feelings. Not me, of course. Maybe CSzem, probably Gretzpo. Four inches is more than big enough if used properly.

Wait, what was I talking about again?