The Bachelorett: Finale

(BOD - Ali)

And we’re back from a terrific long weekend. Baseball left me with mixed emotions, as did the tennis, but all of that is covered in the short podcast CSzem and I recorded on Saturday morning. You can listen to it here: Talkin' with Tewks Live: Tennis Grudge Match.

More importantly, it is the finale of Ali’s season of The Bachelorette. We’ve come a long way and Ali is going to pick a seemingly decent guy at the end. Hopefully this episode doesn’t disappoint like last week. I am joined this week by Rambo, so let’s get to the recap:

8:08 – I have wasted countless minutes of my time watching this show rehash the same footage over and over again. Why do the producers think ardent fans like me (and millions of women and gay men) want to watch the same crap we’ve seen all season? Just give us some new stuff and cut the finale down to an hour.

8:14 – Seeing Ali and her exquisite beauty in Bora Bora makes me horny horny.

8:16 – This is Ali’s biological family? Seriously? She certainly hit the Powerball numbers in that genetic lottery.

8:17 – Why are the ugly sister and brother pulling Roberto away for a chat? Who gives a shit what those wieners think?

8:19 – Ali’s mom is completely smitten with the Latin Lothario. Truthfully, who wouldn’t be? This might be the easiest ‘meet the family’ ever. I’m considering having him to my house to meet the family Tewks.

8:26 – I like how the producers tried to make it seem like Ali’s dad was going to play the bad cop when Roberto asked his permission to propose. Like the guy was going to say no. He probably would have offered some sort of dowry to sweeten the deal for Roberto.

8:32 – Is Chris actually bringing a basket of unwashed fruit as a gift for her family?

8:35 – “I’m a teacher also.” No one cares Ali’s ugly sister. She must absolutely hate Ali. How could you try to compete with that your whole life?

8:36 – Jesus, Ali’s mom needs to refine her bedside manner. So, tell us about your dead mom, Chris. Is that really any of her business?

8:45 – Sister Tewks believes there is an incestuous relationship between Ali’s sister and brother. I’m inclined to agree.

8:47 – What the hell is Chris talking about? The question was: do you love my daughter. How does that turn into a five minute soliloquy? It’s yes or no.

8:49 – I love how Ali is in a bikini and the two mutants are covered up. They must have zero self confidence being around that hotness all of their lives.

8:52 – “Her butt’s dirty” – Rambo. Glad you could be here.

8:57 – The show should really have a disclaimer if they’re going to have an HD close-up of Ali’s brother’s face.

8:58 – Someone shut the sister up.

9:05 – “Oh my God, he’s touching me, he’s touching me” – Ali with a look of disgust. That’s what happens to me every time I go to a bar.

9:09 – “This is completely unrealistic. These dates are too perfect. I bet they don’t even film when Ali’s on her period.” – Rambo

9:14 – “Speak English, girlie. Proper.” – Rambo admonishing Ali on her speaking skills. Ok then.

9:16 – I’m calling bullshit. There’s no way Roberto made that gay picture frame or wrote that speech. I’ll bet a production assistant did it.

9:20 – Wait, is she having sex with Roberto again? Is that even allowed? Chris has a negative chance of winning this thing. Poor guy.

9:23 – So is Ali going to do a walk of shame from Roberto’s room to go see Chris for their date?

9:25 – Holy shit, is she going to break up with Chris right now?

9:26 – Chris knows he’s done. The dude’s heart is breaking.

9:27 – Jesus, this is actually tough to watch.

9:30 – Both of them handled this very well. If I was her, I would have just sent him a text. If I was him, I would have thrown her off the balcony.

9:31 – Wait, I take that back. “Can I have a hug?” No, Ali, you can’t have a hug and don’t tell me to ‘hang in there’. You can go fuck yourself instead.

9:33 – “That’s a fake rainbow” – Rambo. Wow, you are heartless.

9:34 – Chris is just crushing this exit interview. It’s like his Bachelor audition tape. Well played, my man.

9:43 – This is pretty anticlimactic.

9:44 – Oh, we were so close to some Ali full frontal nudity. That would have been the highlight of my summer.

9:47 – That Step Up 3D movie looks like the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Although, it has given me a great answer the next time someone says, “Tell me about yourself?” My response: “Everything you need to know about me is in my dancing.”

9:52 – Christ, Roberto looks like he’s going to melt. Someone get the guy a towel.

9:55 – Elton John with Can you Feel the Love Tonight. Now this is a song. Much better than that On the Wings of Love crap from last season.

Now it’s time for the After the Final Rose special. What did you think of the finale? Post thoughts to comments.