The Bachelorette: Jake and Vienna Redux

(BOD - Jessie Farrell)

Today’s Bachelorette recap will be a little different from my usual fare. I was unable to watch the show live last night, so there will be no minute by minute recap. Instead, I will just give my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on each episodic segment since I’m hurriedly trying to watch the recorded version of the show way too early this morning.


However, the reason I missed such a great episode was more than worth it. I pitched last night and I was right in the middle of a bench clearing brawl. We were just crushing our opponents 11-1 and one of their players decided to run our catcher on a close call at home plate (which is illegal in our league).

My catcher rightfully took umbrage to such a classless move and shoved the guy hard in the chest. They started jostling as one gutless coward on the other team came flying off the bench and blindsided my catcher. They fell to the ground in a heap.

I flung my glove into the air like an NHL enforcer circling his prey, raced to the plate, and unleashed a glorious sucker punch to the gutless coward’s cheek. I was then tackled and all hell broke loose. Order was eventually restored and we ended up pumping those jackasses 16-3.

Stupidly, I neglected to follow Crash Davis’ advice, and I hit the guy with my pitching hand. It’s a little sore right now. Truthfully, I’m just glad I got out of there with my face unblemished. Their team definitely saw the sucker punch and were not happy that I remained in the game.

I have a feeling the brawl will bring our team closer together and be the catalyst for stellar play in the second half of the season. Needless to say, I had a fun night.

Onto the recap:

Roberto and Ali’s Date

- “Come be the king of my castle” – Jesus, Ali, can you be any more transparent that you want to bang the Latin Lothario? Why not just send him an “I’m DTF” text message.

- I would love to do this photo shoot; although I’d make sure Ali wasn’t in any of the pictures. I wouldn’t want her messing up my shots.

- Dancing in the streets? My God, the guy is smooth. Watching Roberto is like a How-To guide of properly seducing women

- They’re sitting at the back of the trolley. Apparently, Rosa Park’s reach can be felt all around the world.

- I loved seeing Ali refer to the structure as her ‘castle’ and then see Roberto subsequently ‘storm’ it.

- Ali can’t cook? Dealbreaker. She better be a wizard with a vacuum cleaner.

- It’s so obvious that Ali doesn’t think she’s good enough for Roberto. I’m almost beginning to think that’s true. I don’t think anyone is. However, I don’t think he can be considered the favourite any longer. Ali has way too much trepidation with him.

Ty and Frank’s Two on One

- They’re going on a helicopter ride? How completely original. Where did the producers come up with this one?

- Why do they try to make Ali look smart by repeatedly feeding her those historical tidbits? They are always so awkward and forced. Primarily because she has no idea what she’s talking about.

- Ali wants to get hammered. Fantastic. I see a lamb roast in our future.

- Ty likes traditional gender roles? He is not going to like Ali’s inability to cook. She really needs to step up to her domestic goddess duties and stop all this ‘worker’ talk.

- Ty really wants to say: “Your ambition and goals better revolve around your ability to have dinner ready for me when I get home from the office.”

- Seeing Frank tiptoe around his living at home was excruciatingly awkward. I’m pretty sure as soon as he told he was a ‘screenwriter’ she could have guessed he lived at home.

- Final note on the boring 2 on 1: Ali still looks amazing in yellow.

Kirk and Ali’s Date

- Kirk’s overwrought speech on how much he likes Ali reminded me of Champ Kind: “I miss being near you, I miss being with you, I miss your musk. I miss your scent.”

- How rude is Ali? She has ‘a lot’ on her mind. Who gives a shit? You can pay attention to these guys for a couple of hours a day. You literally have nothing else to do.

- Your date isn’t going well, Ali, because you’re acting like a huge bee-yotch.

- Ok, we get it. You have a lot on your mind. That phrase is approaching ‘I gave up everything to be here’ status for me.

- “I feel like I won’t be good enough one day.” Smooth answer by Kirk telling her not to think that. I would have said the same thing, but would have also added, “Unless you get fat.”

- Jesus Christ. Just what this season needs: more guitars. This is like Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

Chris and Ali’s Date

- Oh, Chris just got the dreaded ‘friend’ kiss of death label. He has a lot of work today on this date. Hopefully, Ali doesn’t have ‘a lot on her mind.’

- This mo-ped scene is fantastic. They look exactly like Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber. I hope she pees on him.

- Could the producers have made Chris look anymore like a pussy by showing Ali getting into the literal and figurative driver’s seat?

- “A winery is a perfect place to let loose and explore our relationship” – So, she’s going to have sex with Chris on a decanter?

- Their body language doesn’t look too good here. I don’t think they’ve kissed yet.

- This is BORING!!!

- Nice move on bringing her a present. Chris just may have booked himself a hometown date.

Rose Ceremony

- I literally have no idea who’s going home.

- “I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” – That’s what she said. That was the most entertaining part of the episode thus far.

- Does Chris not own a suit? He always dresses like a catering waiter.

- It‘s a good thing Harrison told us this was the final rose or I would have had no idea.

- I guarantee Ty is going home because Ali wants a ‘career’. Is reality TV star really a career?

- Why are they having this conversation in the rain? They couldn’t have done it indoors? I’d pull down her dress in final act of defiance.

- If Ali wants to be an actress, which I’m sure does, she really needs to work on her sad face. Right now, it just looks like she heard someone fart in an elevator.

Jake and Vienna’s Interview

- This better bring the goods because this episode has been lacklustre thus far

- I forgot how smarmy Jake was. I want to slap that smug smile right off of his face.

- I love how Vienna is trying to hide her inner trashbag whore by wearing a jacket. You’re not fooling anyone, sweetheart.

- After watching Ali for the past few weeks, it just reiterates just how ugly Vienna actually is. I wish I didn’t record the HD feed.

- You have to ask Jake for a kiss because he is a homosexual.

- Is Jake alive right now? He looks like a robot.

- Wow. The zingers are just flying back and forth. I can’t even keep up.

- Is a fake liar the same as a real liar?

- I want to hear “Todd the Gay Guy’s” side of the story.

- Is a poliagraph test the same as a polygraph test?

- If Vienna doesn’t have money or a job exactly how is she getting paid for that elusive ‘marketing job’?

- In Jake’s defence, I would rather update my Twitter feed than spend time with Vienna too.

- Vienna is working in Los Angeles? How convenient. She’s doing work at a charity with cancer patients on a hair product? I don’t think any of those words make sense in the same sentence.

- She is such a child.

- “How can you get sick of someone in the first month?” When you have the personality and looks of a tramp, Vienna.

- Harrison really needs to get a dictionary so he can let both of them know what ‘undermine’ means.

- “We don’t really care about the dog” - That comment by Harrison just killed me. Well done, sir. Give the man credit, he can run a good interview.

- “I don’t think she’s coming back” – Harrison is saving this episode for me. He should have his own talk show.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Who’s right in the Jake/Vienna debacle?