The hometown dates are always my favourite episode of the season because it’s always entertaining to see which contestants have the crazy families who just destroy any chance they have at making it to the final two.
8:00 – Cousin Tewks has returned after a two week hiatus. Welcome back to the dark side. Or I guess this would be the pink, fluffy, unicorn side. The first words out of his mouth were, “Isn’t the home run derby on tonight?” My reply: “Don’t be gay.”
8:02 – As soon as the strains of salsa music hit the speakers, I immediately stereotyped this as Roberto’s date. And the producers didn’t let me down.
8:03 – Full disclosure: I may have gotten aroused when they revealed the baseball diamond.
8:04 – I also would like to have my name on Roberto’s jersey.
8:05 – There’s no way I can recap this date without sounding like a fawning fancy boy over Roberto.
8:06 – If Ali got a hit off of me, I would have buzzed her face with an inside fastball. Love be damned, I don’t give up extra base hits. Plus, she was crowding the plate.
8:13 – “Look at her heels” – Cousin Tewks when Ali was approaching Roberto’s house. Wow. I can’t even make fun of him here. I just feel sorry for him.
8:15 – Did Roberto’s dad just say that he was a ‘big prize’? Papa Tewks would be begging Ali to take me away.
8:16 – “I want to own a business and be successful.” Ali has certainly honed in those career aspirations.
8:17 – Did Roberto’s mother just come over on a raft? Can someone check her papers?
8:19 – Roberto’s dad is a PIMP. He’s like a Latino Tom Selleck.
8:27 – The consensus in the Tewks household is that Chris is way more smitten with Ali than she is with him. We are predicting heartbreak for Mr. Cape Cod.
8:30 – “Get a pair” – Cousin Tewks to Chris. I could not agree more.
8:37 – I would eat the entire plate of shrimp.
8:43 – Crestfallen? Demonstrative? Chris’ dad is bringing out the SAT words tonight.
8:44 – The sisters-in-law are just jealous Harpies. Of course they’re going to put Ali down, they’re ugly.
8:45 – Yeah, this isn’t going to work out. There is just too much of a discrepancy between Ali’s level of attractiveness and the frumpy twins. They will never get along.
8:47 – What father asks his son if he’s found his soulmate on reality television? Papa Tewks would just want to know if I’d thrown it to her yet.
8:49 – Did anyone else think that Chris’ mom was buried in that stone rotunda? No? I’m just a terrible person.
8:54 – Please don’t call a grown man Kirky.
8:56 – Kirk’s dad is the epitome of creepy. He’s like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
8:57 – Ali looks like she’s going to throw up.
9:00 – “She’s got a little junk in the trunk going there” – Mama Tewks about Ali. Are you kidding me? I think she may be senile. Time for the retirement home.
9:06 – Kirk’s mom looks like a 16 year old babe from behind and the Wicked Witch of the West from the front.
9:07 – I really need to stop watching this in HD. If I see another close up of Kirk’s mom, I am going to puke.
9:09 – I am out until Kirk’s date is over. I can’t watch this anymore. That face is going to haunt my dreams.
9:11 – Kirk’s dad looks like a genius now: divorcing Kirk’s mom before she got gross. He definitely sold that stock before the market crashed.
9:17 – Can anything that Frank is wearing on this date be considered men’s clothing?
9:19 – What situation are Ali and Frank talking about? The guy from Jersey Shore?
9:21 – Has Frank never seen this show before? He’s like a chick. Enough with the insecurities.
9:26 – Did Frank’s dad just kiss him on the cheek? Is there a testosterone shortage in America that I don’t know about?
9:28 – Ali’s boobs look massive on this date.
9:30 – Frank’s sister has a very strange, halting way of speaking.
9:37 – Harrison showing up to put in his ten minutes of work this week. Good to see him again.
9:49 – Roberto. Of course. I would have given him a rose first as well. If, you know, I was a woman.
9:50 – Poor Kirk. Back to Green Bay.
9:52 – “Can I have a hug?” I can’t believe Ali had the audacity to ask that. I would have given her an elbow to the throat instead.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
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6 comments:
I haven't posted in a while, but I made notes this episode. Here they are:
1. Roberto can’t lose. The baseball uniform is hot. I don’t think Ali will be able to see past sexual chemistry... Roberto oozes sex pheromones, she doesn’t stand a chance. I bet she is dying for the “fantasy suite date”
2. I feel bad for Chris. He is a genuinely nice guy, but the Cape Cod lifestyle will never fit Ali. Plus they rarely kiss, it just can’t work. She’s going to break his heart and he will never love again. I hate Ali in advance for what she will do to him.
3. Ali is somewhat of a false advertisement. All the stylists need to do on one of her “bad days” is put her in a yellow outfit and no one notices how tired she looks.
4. Kirk is too well dressed for his freaky family. I think he’ll revert back to a hillbilly taxidermist in 20 years. Don’t get suckered in girl! I love that his Step-mom said his dad “thought with his brain, not with his heart” when he re-married to her. That’s the worst thing you could say to a woman, and she bought it!!! What an idiot. I’m calling it now: Kirk is going to be sent packing this week unless Frank bombs with insecurity.
5. I would love to have a whole hour dedicated to men talking about how great I am and all of my positive traits. I would watch it 12 times a day. Builds confidence... when the show ends and Roberto realizes he’s better than her, all she will have left is a taped recording of this episode to keep her from jumping off a bridge in a yellow dress.
6. Frank wears v-neck shirts = gay
7. Frank officially creeps me out. I really don’t understand what she sees in him. I couldn’t imagine being comfortable with him hugging me, there is nothing manly or comforting about him. Not to mention he is always greasy. An emotional woman who wears skinny jeans and cardigans. Absolutely not.
8. Chris even looks down as a sign of respect when she is hugging the other guys at the rose ceremony. Wonderful. A++
9. I knew Kirk was going. Ali has a freakish fascination with Frank that no one can explain. Frank better go next week or I’ll be even more pissed than I already am. Although I think it will be good for Kirk’s ego to be dumped.
Ali’s Top 3: Roberto followed by Frank, then Chris
Rambo’s Top 3: Chris then Roberto (You have to be a man to qualify... Frank was disqualified with Gender Identity Disorder)
First and foremost, Kirk's Dad looked like an 80's porn star.
Lastly, Roberto is going to be the next Bachelor because ALi is not going to choose him. She clearly favors Frank but in the previews it seems like he's going to leave???
That new show The Bachelor Pad looks promising.
Good recap thanks!
I've blitzed through and caught up with all the Sports Guy's latest articles, so was forced to read your Bachelorette recap - these crappy blogs just perpetuate this garbage staying in our lives. I liked the Seinfeld quote though -- did Frank's sister refuse to take her shoes off too, you know, because she may have had a foot odour problem?
no odds this week CSzem??
I really don't understand Ali at this point and typically I'm a big fan of hers. Frank over Kirk? I'm so confused!!
Chris will be excellent next season as the Bachelor...or perhaps Ty will!
Im betting (shocker from the family Szem eh??) she chooses Roberto and he breaks her heart.
After the final rose...she chooses Kirk.
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