I'm Here to Guard and Protect this Bachelorette Recap

(BOD - Katherine Heigl)

Another Monday night, another episode of The Bachelorette. It’s like Christmas morning each and every week.

There were some terrific comments last week: from the Family Szem weighing in with their usual great contributions to newcomers Carissa, Rambo, and Gretzpo joining this season’s fray. Special mention to The Fleurys for the excellent rundown of the remaining contestants. Comparing Justin to Joran Van Der Sloot absolutely killed me. Funny, topical and the epitome of bad taste.

Let’s keep it going this week.

8:00 – We have a full house tonight. I’m joined by Mama Tewks, Sister Tewks and Cousin Tewks. Cousin Tewks is a 27 year old man with a predilection for romantic comedies. I think it’s quite obvious that manliness and testosterone do not swim in our gene pool.

8:03 – The travel graphic looked a little cheap. I kept getting flashbacks to Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

8:04 – I think this designer is straighter than the Weatherman.

8:05 – Sister Tewks said the following after the designer said Ali didn’t need a lot of makeup. “Oh bullshit. Yes, she does. She’s a slut.” Wow, I’m not quite sure how to follow that line of logic.

8:07 – “Her roots are showing.” Mama Tewks. The claws are sharp tonight.

8:08 – Cousin Tewks just used the word ‘fashionista’ in a sentence. That has to be a new record. Eight minute from straight to gay while watching this show.

8:15 – Why do they take helicopters everywhere? This isn’t a very green friendly show. I’d like to know what The Bachelorette’s carbon footprint is.

8:16 – I have no idea what Kasey is saying, but he sounds like he has peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.

8:17 – Oh my God. Oh dear Christ. He’s singing. Please make it stop. It’s like watching a car crash. I don’t want to watch, but it’s impossible to look away.

8:17 – This is like a bad American Idol audition. Cousin Tewks – “That was awesome.” He’s hooked. And another one bites the dust.

8:22 – Why do they run everywhere?

8:25 – Ali is legitimately terrified of Kasey. I think she’s scared that she’s going to end up a well in his basement. He’s like Buffalo Bill. It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

8:26 – He’s singing again! What is wrong with this guy? This is more awkward than the night I lost my virginity, but I think Kasey’s song lasted a little bit longer.

8:27 – This is a smart decision by Ali. Good job, girl. Get rid of the serial killer.

8:28 – Wait, what? Why are you giving him another chance?

8:28 – His funny side? I think Ali and I have different definitions of humour. There’s nothing funny about being chopped up and left in a meat freezer.

8:34 – “I think the forecast looks pretty good today.” I think I can speak for everyone watching when I say, Weatherman, you can go fuck yourself.

8:36 – The Weatherman is way too excited to be on Broadway. Gaydar is off the charts right now. At this point, I’d actually be surprised if we got confirmation he’s straight.

8:38 – I actually prefer these singing clips over Kasey’s warbling.

8:39 - Once again, Roberto knocks it out of the park. The guy is a machine. He’s like Joe DiMaggio during his 56 game hitting streak.

8:41 – “I like Roberto and I like Jesse” - Sister Tewks. “I haven’t picked my favourite yet” - Cousin Tewks. He might be more pathetic than I am.

8:45 – Ali’s got some sneaky big breasts. They’re like a rising fastball with late life.

8:47 – “He is kind of handsome” - Cousin Tewks on Roberto. I’m at a loss for words. I can literally see his penis inverting itself into his abdomen.

8:57 – Mama Tewks is just railing on Ali’s voice. Is it really that bad? To me, it sounds like a cloud dipped in honey.

9:01 – Nice move, Kirk. If he was smart, he’d be laying an ungodly amount of pipe right now.

9:02 – Kirk with a tremendous performance. Now that is how you woo a woman. Leave her wanting more. Both Cousin Tewks and I just gave him a golf clap in respect for his game.

9:15 - Kasey’s tattoo is completely ridiculous, but at least he didn’t write Ali’s name on his arm or something equally stupid. On a related note, did you know that he’s here to guard her heart?

9:17 – Not to be a dick, but Chris L needs to cool it on the Mom talk. He’s making it very tough to make fun of this show.

9:21 – Justin, some advice. Professional wrestling villains don’t use the word ‘fibber.’

9:23 – I guarantee Chris L was disappointed after Ali asked him to go upstairs. I bet he thought he was going to get some birthday sex. Instead, he has to listen to some emotional jackoff play his guitar.

9:25 – Chris L needs to learn how to kiss. It looks like he took lessons from Ralph Macchio’s drop and drive with Elisabeth Shue at the end of The Karate Kid.

9:28 – Craig is a douchebag. He’s only mouthing off to Justin because he knows you can’t have a physical confrontation on these shows. What a chickenshit. In the real world, Justin would beat his ass with his crutches.

9:30 – The Weatherman did not break out a fucking guitar. You gotta be fucking kidding me!!! This is brutal. I hate all of these guys. They are so lame.

9:31 – “I’m more of a singer-songwriter.” That comment brought out the biggest laugh of the night
at Casa di Tewks. The Weatherman has so little self-awareness, I’m actually starting to feel bad for him. That’s a lie. He’s terrible.

9:39 – The reactions on these guys when Kasey unveiled his tattoo were priceless. Just complete shock. Also, they realized that they have to live with this psychopath for an extended period of time. I’d be scared for my life.

9:48 – Kirk moved up the highest this week. Just a transcendent performance.

9:49 – Who the hell is Chris N.? He literally did not say one word the entire episode.

9:51 – Kasey? You cannot be serious? Ali is really making it hard to for me to have an unhealthy crush on her.

9:52 – And the Weatherman blubbers like a baby. He just flushed his career down the toilet.

Iceland looks very promising.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.