Doc Makes the Cover of SI

(Babe of the Day - Gabrielle Union)

The inspiration for today’s column was derived from the cover story in this week’s Sports Illustrated; a glowing expose on the greatness that is Roy Halladay. I felt somewhat melancholic as I read about how hard Roy works between starts, how committed he is to his craft, and just how great he is on the hill.

These are all things I knew already. In fact, I kind of felt like a guy from a small town who had a smoking hot girlfriend until an unfortunate breakup. Everyone in the town knew how hot she was, but she was pretty much an unknown entity outside of our municipality. We had some great years in high school, but we started growing apart in our senior year.

She wanted to spread her wings and go to a big city for college. Her hotness had outgrown the small town. She needed to find someone who was on equal footing and had something more to offer than what I could provide.

I knew she deserved to go; she had given me some great years that I’ll never forget, but she had to explore her options and have the opportunity to be with a winner. We had a mutual breakup. I hadn’t thought about her for a few months and then I hear through the grapevine that she’s now the most popular girl at her school, she’s dating the star quarterback, and everyone loves her. They can’t believe how great she is and that they’ve never heard about her before.

And I just want to puke out of sheer anguish (I also somehow managed to make my mancrush on Roy Halladay seem even gayer).

A couple of things bothered me about the article. First, Roy was lauded for his tremendous work ethic and legendary workouts that last multiple hours; which is why he shows up at the park at 5:30 in the morning for spring training.

Look, pitchers, by and large, are pussies. They exhibit diva-like tendencies and are generally pretty soft. There are some exceptions like Roy and yours truly, but, as a group, we are not known for our toughness. So, when I hear that no one on the Jays pitching staff could even complete half of Halladay’s post start leg workout, I’m not that impressed. I think that’s more of a commentary on the weakness of the Jays staff, rather than Doc’s impressive strength and endurance.

Next, why do Roy’s workouts take hours to complete? If it actually takes him that long to workout, then his intensity is nowhere near the level it should be. As a Crossfit disciple, I know that optimum results can be achieved in less than an hour of work per day, provided you are working your ass off the entire time.

For that matter, why the hell is he doing leg presses? Learn to squat. Below parallel. With 400 pounds on your back. Then, I'll be impressed. 

It’s impossible to maintain such a breakneck pace for any significant time duration. I’ll bet Roy, if he ratcheted up the intensity, would cut the length of his sessions drastically with zero loss in effectiveness.

The early arrival time isn’t as impressive as it sounds, either. I’ve already established that Halladay’s workouts, while long, are unnecessarily so. Plus, he’s not working out for eight hours a day (the article states 3-4 hours max, which includes his cool down, hot and cold baths etc.). Why does he get there so early?

So, he can be known as the first guy at the ballpark.

The article said that he even bumped up his arrival time to ensure he would beat some of his new Phillies teammates to the park. The work he puts in could be done at anytime. He’s obviously an early riser, so he likes to get his work done in the pre-dawn hours, which is fine, but let’s not fawn all over the guy because he gets up early.

Working out early just looks more impressive; Halladay could do the same stuff at three o’clock in the afternoon.

I know it seems like I’m committing blasphemy by calling Halladay’s workouts into question, but as a person who truly understands working hard at the gym, and as someone who has been around the game of baseball for almost twenty years, Roy’s workouts are impressive for a baseball player. The training regimen of any NHL, NBA or NFL player would absolutely bury him.

Something about Roy’s game day regimen bothered me as well. I understand his desire to stay focused before he pitches, but he comes off as a bit of an asshole. Not saying a word to coaches, teammates or the training staff (not even a thank you to the trainer after he rubs you down?) just seems a little much.

There’s a difference between being focused and being a prick. Staring at a teammate until he moves from your pre-ordained seat? Come on, Roy. That’s just being a bully and abusing your power as the big dog in the clubhouse.

However, Roy can get away with all of this. Why? Because he’s the best pitcher in baseball.

Crash Davis said it best in Bull Durham when he admonished Nuke Laloosh for his fungus-ridden shower sandals.

"If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colourful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob."

People will excuse all types of behaviour provided you produce when you’re on the bump. Roy can do whatever he wants because he’s a stud.

Am I being too harsh? I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just a jealous ex-boyfriend who can’t deal with the fact my smoking hot, former girlfriend is now banging some guy who is way better than me.