8:01 – I’m not really sure what to expect from this Women Tell All episode. I sincerely hope it doesn’t turn into a screechy, bloated version of The View. If that happens, I can no longer fake having any semblance of manhood. It will be official: I’m a chick.
8:03 – Here’s what I don’t understand about the Rozlyn ‘scandal’. Why wouldn’t Jake want to talk to her and get her side of the story? Something is fishy there.
8:05 – I am getting so upset about the Elizabeth situation. Ladies, we hate games like that. That was ridiculous. I would have kicked her off the show right on that park bench. Do not pass Go; do not collect 200 dollars.
8:07 – Nice turtleneck on that San Fran date with Tenley, Jake. What a loser. He looked like Clay Aiken.
8:13 – I don’t know who any of these people are. So, they’re all sluts? I don’t understand the point of this segment. A bunch of reality TV nobodies went on a free cruise?
8:16 – Wes is the man. Just a virtuoso performance last season. “My dating life didn’t suck to begin with.” I want to be friends with him.
8:21 – Charity contributions? Are you fucking kidding me? Who wants volunteer help from these morons? This is painful to watch right now. I don’t know if I can hang in until ten o’clock. This episode could have easily been an hour.
8:24 – I DON’T CARE!!!!
8:26 – Who names their kid Bettina or McCarten? I seriously hate my life. If I did a podcast right now, it would be a continuous string of expletives.
8:31 - I want the last thirty minutes of my life back.
8:33 – I could have done without the soft core shower scene of Jake’s torso.
8:34 – I forgot how much I missed Rozlyn. She might be the hottest chick in the history of this show. Little Tewks is rapt with attention right now.
8:38 – Jesus Christ. Elizabeth, the reason you got voted has nothing to do with the fact you wouldn’t kiss him. It’s due to you being an incorrigible cock tease.
8:46 – Gia looks like Ru Paul in that dress.
8:48 – “Is it ok to fall?” “It’s ok to fall.” Is it ok to put a revolver in my mouth and pull the trigger?
8:57 – Michelle’s summary is like the trailer for a serial killer movie. She makes Hannibal Lecter look like Mr. Rogers.
9:00 – Ali laying the smackdown on Michelle. I like it.
9:02 – I almost feel bad for Michelle here. These girls are ripping her apart. She almost seems normal. I think I’m getting soft in my old age.
9:07 – “Oh, she’s got cellulite.” Mama Tewks about Ali. What do you even say to something that irrational? The cattiness at Casa di Tewks has increased exponentially in the second hour.
9:09 – Jake, Jake, Jake. If you liked it, then you should have put on a ring on it.
9:11 – The Ali debacle would have been so much simpler if this show took place in 1950 when women weren’t allowed to work.
9:13 – Classy move by Ali apologizing to Vienna. She’s wonderful. I don’t even think I could have sex with Ali. You don’t ‘bang’ a girl like that. You make love to her. With candles and rose petals and a copy of Air Supply’s greatest hits.
9:19 – I can’t even pay attention to what Chris Harrison is saying right now. Rozlyn is retardedly hot. Like Rain Man level hotness.
9:23 – For the biggest ‘shocker’ in Bachelor history, this is extremely boring. If she didn’t sleep with the guy, who gives a shit?
9:24 – Chris Harrison needs to get off his moral high horse and cut out the sanctimonious bullshit. He treats this show like it’s the Vatican looking for a new Pope. It’s a trash television.
9:28 – This is basically she said, she said. We need some camera footage to get to the bottom of this issue. Otherwise, I don’t care. This is brutal.
9:32 – Huge copout to the footage question by Harrison. Rozlyn is bringing up some good points. They are completely railroading her. She certainly walked into the lion’s den and she’s holding her own pretty good. Good for you, Rozlyn.
9:35 – “Tewks, you’re just siding with Rozlyn because you’re thinking with your penis. Are you even paying attention to what’s going on?” I, like Chris Harrison, will not dignify that question with a response.
9:40 – “My heart was crying.” I literally have no words. Jake gives pussies a bad reputation. Does he just sit in his room and think this shit up?
9:46 – Those outtakes were legitimately funny. Well done.
9:51 – I would rather have another update from The Bachelor Reject Sex Cruise than watch these Vienna highlights. She looks like she has 25 pairs of chromosomes.
9:52 – Did you know Tenley was married before? I had no idea.
Well, the first hour sucked, but the second hour really brought the goods. What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
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5 comments:
First and foremost - I love that you would "make Love" to Ali, complete with rose petals, and Air Supply. You're a good man Tewks!
I have a feeling that, regardless of all of the ridiculous spoilers out there, Ali and Jake are likely together now (sorry Tewks!!) and that Gia or Tenley will be the next Bachelorette. Something about their body language last night summed up their feelings toward one another.
You'll find alot of love for Ali with the pregnant ladies - she's fantastic! And we don't care if she has cellulite (heck, Gia's thigh jiggle, rememeber?!)
Rozlyn - she may be hot, but she is a class A whore. Come on! She met with him and his dad after he was fired? Clearly, whatever wife the producer had in New Zealand isn't around anymore because Rozlyn in a homewrecker!
My favourite moment was at the end, Jake running in the shower. WHAT A TOOL!
You're right - LittleSzem won't be named Jake!
Ahhh, Rozlyn is a liar and I cannot believe she swore on her son's life!
I was willing to give her some slack but after hearing what those other ladies said I don't believe her.
Even if she didn't sleep with the producer she still shouldn't have been there. And that low blow at Chris Harrison was immature.
I hate it when they spend 15 mins showing recaps!
I lol'd a lot during the blooper reel.
Ali should definitely be the next Bachelorette.
I really wish I could quit this show. I've been hooked ever since DeAnna and they haven't broken the chain since. If they start with a new Bachelore or Bachelorette than I'll be able to stop.
Well I'm running late for work, thanks a lot Mike!
PS. stop picking on Jake
For fear of having way too much "Szem"-related content on here, I'm going to keep it very brief, and jump straight into the lines.
The full disclosure here is that I have done everything in my power to avoid Spoilers. I have literally not been on a single one, since that would obviously compromise my integrity as an unbiased bookmaker.
But I think it's apparent that, with regards to my original line, all the money is coming in on Vienna. Perhaps my hatred for Vienna influenced the number I set (OK, that's definitely what happened). This is obviously much closer than I had indicated, and with a week to think about it, I'm doing a complete 180 here.
The final, pre-finale, line:
Tenley (+125) - Sometimes a bye week just comes at the wrong time and can kill all your momentum.
The new favourite, Vienna (-140) - The only explanation: he's dumb enough to do it.
9:07 – “Oh, she’s got cellulite.” Mama Tewks about Ali.
That's hilarious, because I know the exact moment that she saw the cellulite. I noticed it right away as well. Women are awful. No harshness towards Ali though, I love her.
I am going to completely alienate myself in this comment, for the following reasons:
1) I like Vienna. She seems real and doesn't apologize for going after what she wants and, if the rumours are true, it clearly worked for her as she's with Jake now.
2) Ali annoys the hell out of me. Her voice is grating and her "I'm a darling" portrayal is ridiculous. She's not that good and she's way too much of a baby. No comment on the cellulite issue - I have enough for all 25 of the Bachelorettes combined.
3) I like Rozlyn. She's gorgeous (I would even want to be best friends with her in the hopes that her gorgeosity would somehow be reflected onto me) and she can hold her own in a room full of catty women. Something about the stories that the others were telling don't add up. First, Jessie said she never told anyone she allegedly saw Rozlyn and the producer making out, and then she said that she went to another producer to express her concerns. What? Not to mention that Chris Harrison was way too quick with relaying what the stories were, which leads me to believe that they were planned and the women were paid a lot of money to rat Rozlyn out. I love the dis that Rozlyn gave to Chris - he was putting her down so much during the show that he totally deserved it. I maintain that Rozlyn is telling the truth - she may have a relationship with the producer, but it was a friendship during the show's taping. All bets are off now, and I'm fairly confident in my assumption that she and the producer are now sleeping together. Good on you, Rozlyn.
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