Canadian Snow Babes Become Golden Girls

On Friday, I extolled the physical attributes of American skiers, Lindsay Vonn and Julia Mancuso. I’d be remiss if I didn’t give some figurative love to some sexy Canucks currently taking the Winter Olympics by storm.

Not only are these ladies beautiful, but they are also supremely talented: two golds thus far and one hopefully to follow.

I have no idea what ice dancing is, but I do know that I need more Tessa Virtue in my life. Truthfully, I didn’t even know that ice dancing was included in the Olympics. I’m still not sure how it’s different from pairs skating, but since Canada won gold, I will declare that it definitely belongs on the Olympic roster.

Virtue is very pretty. She’s not what I would call ‘hot’, but she definitely is blessed in the facial attractiveness department. She’s the type of girl you bring home to Mom. She just seems so sweet and innocent. The fact that she appears to be more flexible than Gumbi doesn’t hurt either.

Where did Ashleigh McIvor come from? Wow. I was at a bar last night for Papa Tewks’ birthday and the place was packed with fans waiting for the start of the Canada/Germany qualifying game.

(There’s no point in discussing last night’s game. We all knew Canada was going to win. Tonight’s game is the big one. The Canucks versus the Big Red Dog. Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts, win or lose. I will be suicidal if it’s the latter).

There was lots of chatter in the bar and no one was really paying attention to the screen while Brian Williams was rehashing McIvor’s gold medal performance. As soon as the camera went in for a closeup of McIvor, the entire bar, I shit you not, went silent.

Every pair of male eyes was entranced by the image on the screen and we all thought the same thing: why haven’t we seen Ashleigh McIvor before?

Maybe it’s the blond hair, but I can seriously not remember what happened in the next fifteen minutes after McIvor’s pearly whites flashed across the TV. She is a mega babe. I would take a girl like McIvor, an athletic, beautiful woman, over a bleach blond, over-tanned tramp who eats 300 calories a day and has the IQ of a cucumber any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Both Tessa Virtue and Ashleigh McIvor came out of nowhere to occupy high rungs on my unhealthy crush ladder, but the last lady has been an object of my infatuation since before the Opening Ceremonies.

Who am I talking about? The Canadian women’s curling skip, Cheryl Bernard. Where to begin?

First, has there ever been curler that hot in the history of the Olympic Games? I mean, we’ve come a long way since the days of Sandra Schmirler.

Second, you can somewhat expect Tessa Virtue and Ashleigh McIvor to be attractive as they are young girls in their twenties. Bernard is forty-three. She puts the COUG in Cougar. Her body is rocking. I’ve never been aroused by curlers before (except when they yell “Hurry hard!”), but the blood definitely flows to my nether regions when Bernard takes her position in the hack.

Since I do not have gainful employment, I will be able to watch Bernard in the semi-final tomorrow at noon. Probably without pants on.

Go Canada Go.