St. Lucia's Fire: Three's a Crowd

This is the first live Bachelor recap where I know the readership will include more people than just CSzem. It’s an exciting time. Truthfully, it was getting a little pathetic at how serious we were taking this show, so it’s nice to know that more readers are benefiting from our sexual ambiguity.

In order to be more welcoming to my burgeoning, pregnant fan base, I took it upon myself to do some research at The Bump to further my understanding of ladies with child.

Yikes.

I feel like I opened Pandora’s box. The gals certainly don’t hold anything back in the comment boards. I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about half the time. I probably should have paid more attention in health class, but I stopped listening once I found out where the penis goes.

One more thing before we get started, instead of retreating back to The Bump to discuss tonight’s episode, feel free to post questions/comments at the end of this column (about the show in general or my recap).

Sound good?

8:03 – St. Lucia kind of looks like Jurassic Park. I would pay $500 for a velociraptor to eat Vienna in this episode.

8:07 – I almost forgot how big of a pussy Jake has been all season. He’s an embarrassment to men everywhere. “Tewks, you mean embarrassing like a straight man writing a two hour live recap of each Bachelor episode?” Touché.

8:13 – “I didn’t even know you were coming!” I’m sure that’s not the first time Jake has said that.

8:16 – “I will wear this necklace on my wrist for the rest of my life.” Human anatomy aside, I sincerely doubt Gia will still be wearing that two dollar piece of crap after she’s sent home.

8:17 – Gia’s breasts: real or fake? I hope real because, to borrow a line from Seinfeld, finding out those babies are made of silicone would be like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.

8:21 – Jake and Gia are in ‘Smuggler’s Cove’? Is this a Hardy Boys’ novel?

8:25 – Gia’s voice is grating. She sounds like Lambchop.

8:27 – Fantasy Suite card! Now, we’re turning things up a notch.

8:28 – Gia accepts! I hope Jake bangs all three of them tonight. If I was on this show, I’d want the Fantasy Suite cards given out when I had fifteen women left.

8:29 – “Gia has grabbed hold of my heart so hard.” I honestly believe that Jake uses ‘heart’ as a euphemism for ‘penis.’ It’s like Mad Libs.

8:36 – Mama Tewks just brought up a good point. Does Tenley know that Jake nailed Gia the night before?

8:39 – Here’s a Bachelor drinking game: take a shot every time Tenley mentions her ex-husband. You’d be dead from alcohol poisoning before the end of the first hour.

8:40 – Tenley looks amazing in that black bathing suit. I will excuse her blandness and complete absence of personality as along as she stays dressed like that.

8:50 – Tenley’s actually going to spend the night with him? And the plot thickens. How many bases will Jake get? You’d have to think he’d be good for at least a double.

8:51 – Is this the same room where he slept with Gia? I hope they changed the sheets.

8:57 – Did Vienna really just use the word ‘affirmation’? Well, we now know she can read off a teleprompter.

8:59 – Vienna has quite the pair of thunder thighs. She looks like a walrus flopping around this pirate ship.

9:06 – What are the odds Vienna doesn’t accept the fantasy suite card? 5,000 to 1? 1,000,000 to 1?

9:08 – “Do you like thin bands or thick bands?” Something tells me Jakey isn’t packing much a wallop downstairs. Plus, it’s quite obvious that Vienna is pretty, uh, ‘elastic’, so Jake’s preparing her for a disappointment once he gets his pants off.

9:12 – Does Jake even have enough lead in his pencil to have sex with three women in three days?

9:13 – Vienna’s lingerie looks like a sheet from a queen size bed.

9:18 - Ali is so beautiful. Like an angel riding a unicorn on a rainbow.

9:21 – “You drove away with a piece of my heart (penis).”

9:22 – How can Jake honestly like Vienna or Gia more than Ali? Someone really needs to explain this to me.

9:29 – Oh, Chris Harrison shows up for his weekly four minutes of work. What a sweet gig. What would we do without him? He’s like a poor man’s Jeff Probst.

9:41 – I would fast forward through these personal messages. BORING. I hope someone takes their top off.

9:46 – Wow. I’d get rid of all three of them and keep Gia’s breasts. They look fantastic.

9:47 – Of course it was a great week for you, Jake. You’ve slept with more women in three days than you have in your entire life.

9:48 – Tenley. Ok, that’s a smart decision.

9:49 – What the fuck?

9:51 – Let me translate through all the crap Jake is currently serving to Gia. Basically, she is not as good in bed as Vienna and Tenley. Case closed.

9:55 – The Women Tell All special looks fantastic.

What did you think of tonight’s episode?