8:01 – Hometown date week is always fantastic. It’s guaranteed that there will be at least one crazy family that completely destroys one of the girl’s chances.
8:03 – Why was Gia surprised when Jake stepped out of the SUV? Who else was she expecting? Chris Harrison.
8:04 – Gia has sneaky big knockers. Good for her. I’d pay twenty bucks for a wet t-shirt contest right now.
8:06 – Why is Jake nervous to meet her parents? The guy’s 30 going on 12.
8:09 – Gia’s family looks like an episode of The Sopranos. Her mom’s voice is BRUTAL. I hate the New Yawk accent.
8:11 – Gia’s mother is the definition of rough around the edges. I’m thinking a penis might be poking around downstairs. Why is she pulling Jake away for a grill session already? Let the guy have a piece of bread and look at the menu first.
8:12 – Gia’s stepbrother’s hair looks like a porcupine. Nice glasses, nerd.
8:15 – The brother needs to cool it with the tough guy act. His gay little half beard isn’t scaring anyone. Before he starts threatening Jake, he may want to get his bodyweight over 150 pounds.
8:16 – Nice ponytail on her stepfather. I can’t believe I almost missed it. He looks like a magician.
8:21 – Ali looks like Claire from Modern Family. That is definitely a good thing.
8:22 – Jake’s relationship with Ali is getting “really strong.” So is the tightness in my pants whenever she’s on the screen.
8:25 – I love how Jake furrows his brow when he pretends to listen to one of these girls. He is completely tuning out this dead grandmother conversation. This is kind of weird.
8:27 – They should be flipping this house; not keeping it as a shrine to a dead lady. That baby could pull 300 large easy.
8:35 – I like Ali’s mom too. She seems sweet and genuine. How can he not pick her?
8:37 – This is the second mother in a row who has mentioned intuition. I thought that was just a myth? You know, like the clitoris.
8:39 – Ali is head over heels in love this guy. He doesn’t deserve her.
8:44 – Why do they always run towards each other? It looks so gay.
8:46 – Tenley wants Jake to take charge and be a dominating presence. Awesome. I’ll bet she likes playing the submissive in the bedroom as well.
8:47 – If this dance doesn’t involve a pole, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.
8:48 – Oh dear Christ.
8:58 – My God, Tenley’s family is like a Hallmark card. They seem almost too perfect. There’s more to this ex-husband story than what we know. Something’s amiss.
9:00 – What was that reaction by Tenley’s sister? Is she retarded? They’re certainly keeping that camera away from her.
9:02 – Jake would fit perfectly with this family. All they’d have to every day is smile and cry happily.
9:09 – “You know how to drive a boat, right?” The look of venom Jake shot Vienna after she asked that question was the first time he has shown real anger all season. He almost made up for all his previous blubbering.
9:12 – Wow, Vienna has some major daddy issues. I am officially creeped out.
9:13 – You expect her to be treated like a princess? Run, Jake, run.
9:15 – If Vienna has had a hard time getting along with women in the past how does that not set off alarm bells for Jake? He is a moron.
9:21 – It breaks my heart to see Ali cry.
9:22 – Ah, the old work/love conundrum. Since I don’t have a job, my decision is always made for me.
9:23 – How is Jake even wavering in giving Ali an answer? Just propose to her and end this show already.
9:25 – Yikes. Come on, Ali. I could have done without the histrionics. I am percentage points less attracted to her right now.
9:30 – If the producers had a sense of humour, they would be playing ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” in the background right now.
9:37 – Ali’s not staying. You can tell by her body language. And the fact she looks like she’s about to puke.
9:41 – I like how she’s trying to get Jake to say he’s going to pick her in the end. To his credit, Jake has a pretty mean poker face. He’s not falling for Ali’s trap.
9:43 – Chris Harrison with the cock block!! He’s really earning his paycheque tonight.
9:46 – Dare I say this is legitimately emotional television. My cold heart has grown three sizes tonight.
9:49 – Pull yourself together, Jake. You still have two hot broads and one cross-eyed freak vying for your affection.
9:53 – Ali makes a telephone comeback? This show certainly knows how to keep my attention.
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4 comments:
I sent last week's blog to two of my girlfriends who watch and they think you're hilarious. They are eagerly awaiting today's recap.
For such an historic Bachelor episode (I knew it was coming....), I decided to take notes for the first time ever. I think this is equal parts pathetic and awesome. Sprinkle in the horrified look my wife just gave me and I know this is the right decision. This is going to look a lot like a running diary, but that would require me having noticed the time at some point during the telecast. These are essentially just all of my thoughts in chronological order. Yes, I realize there will be some overlaps to Tewks’ post.
Gia’s Hometown (NYC, NY)
I love NYC, it’s the greatest city in the world....but of all the sights I’ve seen there, none would match Gia in that white shirt. “I have such a burning desire to get to know her heart”. Not quite what I was thinking Jake, but OK.
Gia’s Mom: “You’re crying, you’re making me cry.” Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t wanna cry anymore.
Gia’s Mom has Bill the Butcher’s accent. “Is he gonna break her hawt?” Hawt? This boy has no hawt.
My earlier note simply said “Gia attractive in white shirt”. Now it was just snidely suggested to me that I write: “Gia attractive in red shirt.” Seems suffice.
Ali’s Hometown (Williamstown, MA)
Jake: “I’m a big baby.” Sure, he was talking about tolerance for cold weather, but I’m glad he’s finally figured out what we knew 10 minutes into the first episode.
Ali’s now taking Jake to her Grandmother’s house, so they can meet. This would be completely acceptable if Ali’s Grandmother hadn’t recently passed away. Is her Grandma haunting this house? Stuffed like taxidermy? The possibilities are endless right now.
Now they’re just sitting outside. Are the current owners of this house going to call the cops? Is it abandoned? I need answers.
Ali’s Mom to Jake: “Come on outside with me, we’ll sit by the fire.” You mean those 4 tealight candles on the picnic table? Ali’s family background is continuing to be a major red-flag for all of this.
*Jake dramatically removes gloves to hold Ali’s face while kissing her*
“You’ve had extra gloves this entire time?” “Yeah, we’re in the Rockies.”
Tenley’s Hometown (Newberg, OR)
Jake’s scarf: I can’t decide if he looks like a dumbass, a douchebag or a jackass. It’s probably all 3.
“I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control....” Oh wait, Tenley’s doing a different dance....and this seemed so promising.
Tenley’s calf muscles are absolutely terrifying. Seriously’s she’s gotta be 5’2”, 100 lbs, and her calf muscles look like a Middle Linebacker’s.
I love that Jake refuses to refer to “flying” or “planes”, it’s always “aviation”. Congrats bud, you know one big word about your job. Keep beating it into the ground.
Tenley’s father commented that he thought Jake showed a lot of integrity during his stint on The Bachelorette. “Was my perception correct? Are you that person?” “No sir, I’m a conniving prick.”
Vienna’s Hometown (Who Gives a Fuck, FL)
Vienna’s been on screen for 10 seconds and I want to rip my eyeballs out.
That’s really all I could muster for Vienna. Her father’s a dick, he’s clearly spoiled her, and now she’s an entitled little bitch. This would have been rather revealing except for the fact that we already knew all of this.
Back to the Ranch.....here comes the twist.
As I’ve been saying for weeks, Ali’s a tragic figure. There was always just something that was a little off there, even if I couldn’t put my figure on it. Who would have thought, though, that her (potential) downfall would be her job, as opposed to the Vienna-feud, or her clearly checkered past?
Here are my problems with this whole situation:
1. Think of the PR nightmare Ali’s bosses are heading for if this situation plays out. There’s no way this is legit. I’m betting the producers called her company and arranged it all for dramatic effect.
2. Why does no one say something like “There will always be another job”. (Dammit, I’ve gone soft....I just don’t see why those two kids can’t get together)
3. When Ali’s weighing the possible regrets, how does she not recognize that she’s going to hate her job/company now because it’s going to remind her of this?
Obviously she’s going to leave....just too much set up. Plus last week’s preview told us “There will be no rose ceremony”. Why give away such a significant detail?
Jake just channelled his inner-Abba. “Take a chance on me.....” (this joke would have been much better if Tewks hadn’t already made it)
The last few week’s I’ve been wondering what it would look like if (in conjunction with Tewks’ running diary of the show), I did a running diary of the commercials. Apparently Toyota’s working around the clock to fix their recalls. I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!
Let’s get to the lines....
It’s time for me to take a stand, and declare an actual “favourite” (in Vegas terms).
Tenley (-115) - It’s gotta be, right? They’d be a very attractive, very boring, couple. Even her family seems boring. And her father broke down crying. Just an insane amount of man-tears on last night’s episode. This might be meant to be.
Gia (+150) – Just as I suspected, once she got away from the group element and into a more “realistic” dating situation, she shined. She could absolutely win this thing.
Here’s my (not-so-surprising) twist:
Ali (+400) – We already know from the preview that she’s calling Jake next week. We can obviously assume she’s going to want to come back. Who knows if he’ll let her come back? We do know that Jake said she wasn’t on the chopping block last night. This is obviously the most intriguing aspect of what’s going to happen in this show. Has Jake been burned too badly to let her back?
Alternate Line
Ali (-250) – To be the next Bachelorette. Just off the charts potential now. Can’t you picture the opening sequence? “I gave up my chance at love to pursue my career, and then when I realized I had made a mistake, it was too late. Now I’m back for another chance at love, and nothing’s going to get in the way now.” Does ABC need writers? I’m available.
Vienna (+600) – I just can’t believe I have to keep writing about her. Is there any way he’s going to pick her? Seriously?
CSzem's wife here! He sent me the blog and all of the historical posts - I read it out loud for about the past hour to a co-worker and we were both in tears laughing.
Keep up the good work boys!
I've posted this on www.thebump.com on the 2nd Trimester board so that some pregnant ladies can have a laugh as well - we talk Bachelor every Tuesday morning and bitch about the nastiness that is Vienna. Hopefully it gives you some followers!
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