8:00 – How many ladies will Jake send home tonight? 1? 2? All of them? Anything’s possible.
8:03 – Did ABC pick San Francisco so Jake would have trouble repressing his innate homosexual thoughts? Gay thoughts = ratings bonanza?
8:05 – I need more of Tenley bouncing up and down in my life.
8:09 – I thought San Francisco trolleys were electric? I don’t think that bus meets emission standards.
8:11 – They’re making fortune cookies in Chinatown. Could this be any more stereotypical? Was a karate lesson not available?
8:13 – Ali and Vienna on the group date!! Amazing!!
8:14 – Oh, nice misdirection by Corrie. She had me fooled. We may have the next Meryl Streep in our midst.
8:15 – Catfight, catfight, catfight!!! Strip down to bra and panties! Actually, Vienna can keep her clothes on.
8:16 – Sister Tewks just said she likes Vienna. I asked her to leave.
8:19 – Now she’s making fun of Tenley’s voice. I think she’s just trying to piss me off.
8:20 – Nice turtleneck, Jake. Does he try to be a loser in the first hour or this just a coincidence?
8:23 – “Her fingers are really fat. They look like claws.” From the mouth of Sister Tewks about Tenley. Unbelievable. I love watching this show with women. The level of cattiness astounds me. Rational thought just flies right out the window.
8:28 – The chest filled with clothes for Vienna and Gia’s 2 on 1 date reminds me of Mr. Dressup’s tickle trunk.
8:30 – “I’m a little nervous going on a date with two women.” Just have sex with both of them, Jake.
8:35 – Vienna might have an extra chromosome or two. I mean she looks retarded with a capital R.
8:36 – “You can eat my salmon.” Nice job, Gia. Boom. Roasted.
8:38 – Vienna is uber creepy. Why is she holding that lantern like a medieval dungeon master? This is terrifying.
8:46 – “I want Jake to see my fun side.” Corrie, honey, let me give some advice. If your fun side doesn’t include you topless, he’s not interested.
8:47 - Ok, Vienna has stalker like tendencies. I would kick her out of the castle post haste. Vienna doesn’t need to go back upstairs Jake, she needs to go home.
8:55 – This rowboat date reminds me of The Notebook . . . Christ, I’m such a homo.
8:56 – Kiss her, Jake! Jesus, he has zero game. How can you not tell she wants you to kiss her? This is painful.
8:57 – “I’m about ready for dinner.” That was the highest of comedy. You are pathetic, Jake. Grow a pair, my friend.
9:01 – Corrie’s a virgin!! Do they still make those?
9:02 – It doesn’t bother you, Jake? Bullshit. She’s gone tonight. Why is she on this show if she’s a virgin? Does she really want her first time to be on national television on an overnight date?
9:07 – Ali is like an angel sent from Heaven to give me an erection every Monday night.
9:13 – Now, both Mama and Sister Tewks are trashing Ali’s voice. The claws are out tonight.
9:18 – Ali gives backrubs too? She is the perfect women. Wow, look at her straddling him. Little Jake must be standing to attention right now.
9:22 – “Do you want to jump in the water?” No, not really.
9:30 – “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” This is good damage control by Corrie. Let him know that you won’t sleep with him, but you’ll go down on him. That’s what she means, right?
9:43 – “Ali’s the kind of girl you can just curl up with and be safe.” JAKE, YOU ARE A MAN. Start acting like one.
9:49 – That’s two weeks in a row Tenley got the first rose. She may be the new frontrunner.
9:50 - My girl Ali is right behind.
9:51 – Gia is currently putting together a solid performance and flying under the radar. Now she’s got a hometown date. Good for her.
9:51 – Vienna again? What is wrong with you?
9:52 – He obviously got rid of Corrie because she’s a virgin. Just admit it, Jake. I won’t judge. I would have done the same thing.
9:52 – “I was concerned that Corrie wouldn’t open up fully.” My thoughts exactly.
Revised Top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Gia
981. Vienna
Posts
3 comments:
Tenley has just moved into the lead in my books...Ali's voice is getting to me - kinda scratchy so it would be hard to listen to for the rest of my life
Opened the show by yelling at my wife and my best friend, both of whom have been onto Spoiler websites and know exactly what’s going to happen. Last week right before Jake gave out the final rose, I had this line from right next to me “Oh man, if he keeps who it says he’s going to, that’ll be retarded”, meaning that I obviously knew Vienna was getting the last rose. Thanks guys. The warning has been issued, not one word tonight. In related news, they are both inordinately concerned about my sanity and/or sexual orientation. Good stuff.
We’re cutting straight to the odds, obviously with the commentary for each. Major shakeup below, as you’ll see......
Tenley (+135) – I have to agree, she’s the new favourite. The more I watch the show, I realize that the fact she has no discernible personality is not an issue. If anything, it makes her an even better match for Jake. They could sit around and talk about absolutely nothing interesting for hours on end.
Gia (+180) – She’s really an anomaly. She’s a drop dead gorgeous swimsuit model who is entirely insecure because evidently she was made fun of in high school. I bet some of the guys there would like a mulligan on that one.
Ali (+220) – This is nothing against Ali. As our mutual friend, Gretzpo, correctly pointed out to me over the weekend, she’s Elizabeth Shue from Karate Kid (right down to the character’s name....). It’s just that I’m just entirely convinced she’s the next Bachelorette. There’s been way too much editing and set-up for her to be a tragic character. I thought she played it well last night, saying that she was moving past the Vienna stuff, and trusted Jake to make good decisions. But I don’t buy it.
Alternate Line:
Ali (-175) – To be the next Bachelorette.
Corrie (+450) – This was her line before Jake found out she was a virgin.
Corrie (+20000) – This was her line after she dropped that little nugget. The look on Jake’s face when he heard this completely validated every second I’ve spent watching this show.
Vienna (+800) – What do you even say at this point? Everything you need to know about her is in the following sequences:
*In limo ride to 2 on 1 date*
Gia: “This is going to be tough, I’ve never really been on a date with another girl where we both liked the same guy.”
Vienna: “Well yeah, imagine how I feel. I mean, Jake and I have a really close relationship.”
Really? Fuck you.
*To camera*
“I am my Dad’s princess, and now I’m Jake’s queen, and he’s going to be my Prince Charming.”
Well, at least we know where she got her sense of entitlement. Thanks, Dad.
One other Ali-related noted that I accidentally omitted from my first post. Even her pending hometown date sounded ominous....
Ali: "You'll be meeting my Mom, my sister and my friends. I didn't exactly have a typical/normal upbringing."
Translation: "My estranged father might attack us while we're filming."
Post a Comment