Calm down Leaf Fans, They’re Still Gonna Suck

I do have to give Leaf fans credit: they are eternally optimistic.

Jesus, by listening to the radio and reading some of the comments on the web, you would have thought Brian Burke was able to trade for Bobby Orr and Terry Sawchuk respectively. Let’s all take a deep breath and take a look at this trade piece by piece, starting with the new Leafs:

Dion Phaneuf

I find it very revealing that casual Leaf fans are more excited about this trade than any established members of the hockey intelligentsia. There’s a reason why Phaneuf was left off the Canadian Olympic team (how funny is it that he is in the ‘Force Fate’ Nike commercial? It cracks me up every time).

He has regressed greatly over the past two years. Phaneuf is no longer the same player who was a 2008 Norris Trophy finalist. He’s not even the same player that Pierre McGuire had an on-air orgasm over during every game of the 2005 World Junior Championship. Phaneuf is the Benjamin Button of NHL defencemen.

Can he even handle playing in the biggest hockey market in the world? I don’t think so. Phaneuf doesn’t even have a thick enough skin to not care when Sean Avery points out, correctly, that his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, is a puck bunny. What’s going to happen when the media is all over Phaneuf for one of his patented bonehead passes? The guy will have a mental breakdown.

Jean-Sebastien Giguere

Is he really that big of an upgrade over Vesa Toskala? Once again, Leaf fans are falling in love with the name. Sure, Giguere was terrific in the 2006 Stanley Cup playoffs when he led the Anaheim Ducks to victory, but he’s been completely average since then.

And now we’re going to have to deal with sportswriters making corny ‘Getting Jiggy with It’ jokes for the rest of the season. Fantastic.

Fredrik Sjostrom

He’s from Sweden.

Keith Aulie

He’s not old enough to drink in the United States.

Now for the players lucky enough to leave Toronto’s sinking ship:

Vesa Toskala

He’s an average NHL goaltender. Average NHL goaltenders cannot succeed on terrible teams like the Leafs.

Jason Blake

The only player in the NHL capable of having ten shots on net per game without ever skating near the crease; like Gretzky in his prime, it’s something we may never see again.

Niklas Hagman

I have never seen him break a sweat or give the illusion that he gives a shit about wins and losses. Good riddance.

Jamal Mayers

He’s a black guy.

Ian White

I actually really like Ian White. He’s a solid blue-collar guy who isn’t afraid to mix it up in the corners. Plus, you can always count on him to have terrific facial hair. He will be missed.

Matt Stajan

This was the first year of his career that he actually showed promise to develop into a bona fide second line centre. About three years too late. Stajan is probably the most surprising person to be moved, but was probably a key piece in acquiring Phaneuf since he’s conservatively priced.

To sum up: the Leafs are still terrible, but their payroll is now higher. Nice job, Burkie.