Wildcard Weekend

My interest in the NFL begins in earnest this weekend, with the first round of the playoffs taking place on both Saturday and Sunday. With four games scheduled, it’s a great time to be a fan of the National Football League.

My last NFL playoff preview was an overwhelming success, so I figured I'd take a dip in that pool again.

As always, zero research and a severe lack of football knowledge has been used to make these picks. However, I just finished second in a US College Bowl pool, so my half-baked, ill-informed opinions must count for something.

New York Jets vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Normally, success in the playoffs depends on the ability of the quarterback. He doesn’t necessarily have to be good (How else did the Baltimore Ravens win the Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer?), he just can’t be terrible. Poor passing stats and a noodle arm don’t kills teams, interceptions and turnovers do.

If the quarterback can hang onto the ball and not do anything stupid, a good run game and a stingy defence can take care of the rest. Dirty Sanchez of the Jets and Carson Palmer of the Bengals both aren’t very good, but Palmer sucks the least.

The Pick: Cincinnati

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys

Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb have had tremendous regular season success over the last ten years, but have been unable to win the Big One. Dallas hasn’t won a playoff game since the Clinton Administration. However, ties aren’t allowed in the postseason, so one of these teams is actually going to win a playoff game.

It must be an exciting time for their respective fan bases (until the inevitable loss next week, of course).

Both Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb seem to shirk from pressure-packed situations, so I predict a low scoring affair. Who do I give the edge to? Well, Tony Romo has dated Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson. Donovan McNabb shoots Chunky Soup commercials with his mom.

The Pick: Dallas

Baltimore Ravens vs. New England Patriots

I literally know nothing about the Ravens except that Ray Lewis is somehow still playing (and dancing like an idiot) and that their quarterback has a unibrow.

I don’t foresee the Patriots losing a wildcard game at home, despite the loss of Wes Welker. Tom Brady has had some up and down games so far this season, but the dude flat out wins playoff games (as his three Super Bowl rings can attest).

Plus, Brady, as a gay man, would much rather spend the next month hanging out with his offensive line in the shower, instead of spending time with Gisele. Look for the Pats to go deep into the playoffs.

The Pick: New England

Green Bay Packers vs. Arizona Cardinals

This is the easiest game to pick of the weekend. Looking at the conventional data, one would assume that this will be a tightly contested affair. And sure, all the football talking heads and gambling aficionados have declared this game to be a toss up. And if you looked at the cold, hard facts, then you would be right.

You would also be an idiot. The true answer is unbelievably simple.

Who is Arizona’s quarterback? Kurt Warner. Who does Kurt Warner love the most, and vice versa? God. Who is God in human form? Brett Favre. Who is Brett Favre’s former team (from which there was an acrimonious departure)? The Green Bay Packers.

The final score might be 100-3.

The Pick: Arizona