Tewks Files for Arbitration

I really wish real life gave people an option to file for arbitration. What a fantastic tool to have at one’s disposal when looking for greater compensation. For example, I don’t think I am compensated well enough for the limited and ineffective work I actually do. I should be able to take the people who give me money to an arbitration court to plead my case.

Basically, I would have to convince the arbitrator that I am worthy of an exorbitant amount of money, while my employers would try to lowball me and tell the arbitrator how bad I am at everything I do.

The arbitrator would then choose between our offers and award me the salary deemed most reflective of my talents and abilities. All I have to do is sweet talk an arbitrator and then I’ll get what I want? Piece of cake. I’d just show up to the arbitration hearing without a shirt on (maybe greased up with some massage oil) and the arbitrator, man or woman, would have no choice but to side with Tewks.

Arbitration is most prevalent in Major League Baseball. Players eligible to file for arbitration are those who do not yet have enough years of service to test the free agent waters.

Shaun Marcum filed for arbitration and reached a deal with Blue Jays general manager, Alex Anthopolous, before attending an arbitration hearing. That’s another positive benefit of arbitration. Most teams don’t want to go through the hassle of appearing before an arbitrator, so they work to get a deal done ASAP.

Marcum signed a one year deal for $850,000. Last year he made $400,520. How many innings did Marcum pitch for the Jays in the 2009 season? Zero.

I’m confused.

Marcum got a one hundred percent raise and he didn’t even play last year. Does he have naked pictures of Anthopolous clubbing a baby seal or something? How the hell do you give a guy who did nothing all year more money?

I may not be a business mogul, but I’m fairly certain that you shouldn’t double someone’s salary when zero services have been rendered. That would be analogous to a book publisher telling me the following:

“Tewks, I know you’ve never written a book before. But, your book has a possibility of being really good. Therefore, instead of us publishing the manuscript and giving you a percentage of total sales, a low risk option, we’re going to give you a $1 million advance instead.”

Actually, you know what. That’s exactly what should happen. Forget I said anything.

The Bachelor . . .

Jake has finally become a man, and not a moment too soon.

But first, when I saw him hyperventilating and practically in tears before the bungee jump, I almost stopped watching the show entirely. It was excruciating to watch. At one point, he had his arm around the bungee jump guy and his head buried in Vienna’s shoulder.

It was one of the most emasculating things I have ever seen in my life. At that moment, I sincerely believe Jake’s penis reverted into itself and became a rudimentary vagina. Just a sickening display.

However, Jake completely redeemed himself in the second hour. Crazy Michelle was pulling her regular Fatal Attraction-like mating ritual when she basically forced Jake to kiss her. Then, she admonished him for not kissing her passionately enough. Jake just sat there and took the abuse. Next, Michelle, for the second time, threatened to leave, but said she would stay “if Jake asked her to.”

What happened?

Jake magically grew a spine. He became as angry as his boring personality would allow and told Michelle to hit the road in the middle of a group date. It was fantastic. The other women practically climaxed at Jake’s first display of testosterone.

Jake’s transformation to a real man was complete with the smackdown he laid on Elizabeth. Once again, she tried to play games by asking for a back rub, getting all touchy feely, and saying how she wanted to kiss him. But, she refused to kiss him.

Jake finally called bullshit. He correctly determined Elizabeth was a tease and said so to her face. He told her he wasn’t going to put up with her shit anymore. She, as a moron, incorrectly assumed Jake was pissed because she wouldn’t kiss him.

No. He was pissed because you were trying to play games and be a bitch. I was literally yelling at the TV screen during this segment. It’s a good thing I am not the bachelor. I would have sent that broad home in tears. Scorched earth policy.

Jake sent Elizabeth packing and put the rest of the ladies on notice; any bullshit and you’re history. This season just got a little more interesting.

My new top 3:

1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Ashleigh

Next week I am writing a live recap of the show. It’s going to be historic.