I am a genius. Read yesterday’s column again and tell me I’m not the greatest prognosticator of our time with my prediction that Tiger Wood’s divorce would be the best thing for his golf game. What does Eldrick do after I write that? Not much; just go out and shoot a tidy little 65, his best round of the season, in the first round of the Barclays Championship.
For today’s column, I decided to do a recap of this week’s episode of Jersey Shore. Really, Tewks, you say. You’re writing another recap of a trashy reality show this week? What happened to you? You used to write about pertinent social issues and have great writing talents.
Well, no, I’ve never written about important things and I’m little more than a hack. Plus, a pinch-hitter wrote Tuesday’s column, so suck it.
Here we go . . .
10:02 – I love Jwoww’s breasts.
10:03 – Is Jwoww like 6’3” or were those gay guys jockeys in the Kentucky Derby?
10:04 – Cousin Tewks is getting all emotional about the breakdown of Snooki and Emilio’s relationship. He’s currently looking for some Kleenex.
10:06 – Much like The Situation I also enjoys girls who are DTF.
10:08 – The scheming by The Situation, Vinny, and Pauly to separate and extract the grenade to bang the three decent-looking girls was like watching General Westmoreland figure out how to bomb the North Vietnamese in Hanoi.
10:14 – Angelina refusing to clean would drive me fucking bananas. That is one of my most fervent pet peeves.
10:15 – “Please hit the fucking treadmill” – The Situation to Angelina. Amazing and my thoughts exactly.
10:16 – Why was Jwoww smiling when she said that seeing Snooki upset breaks her heart? I don’t understand the emotional makeup of this show. And why would Angelina fly off the handle because they asked her to do the dishes? I’m so confused.
10:20 – Why is The Situation apologizing to her? So there aren’t any consequences for her actions and Angelina will continue acting like a huge bitch to everyone.
10:23 – Yes, Snooki, I suppose ‘sympathetic’ is a big word for some people. I mean it does have three syllables.
10:28 – The rain is pathetic fallacy for Ron and Sammi’s forthcoming blowout over his cheating.
10:31 – The shot of Vinny and Pauly saying they never saw Ron cheat on Sam and then the cut to the two of them laughing at it in the club was the funniest thing I’ve seen all season.
10:39 – Why do they wear sunglasses all the time? Are they playing a poker game I’m not aware of?
10:41 – Are Ron and Sam arguing in a shower? What is going on here? How did he turn it around so she seems like the one who made a mistake? The guy might not be as dumb as he looks.
10:45 – What is that noise The Situation was making when he found out about the note? They are all enjoying this way too much; these guido and guidettes certainly love drama.
10:48 – “If they end up together, she looks like the dumbest fucking bitch.” – Jwoww. That’s the smartest thing she ever said and I’m terrified that I agree with her.
10:53 – Ron has got some balls. Calling another chick, his hometown honey, literally five seconds after he and Sammi broke up takes nuts big enough to fit in a dump truck.
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3 comments:
"What happened to you? You used to write about pertinent social issues and have great writing talents"
Really someone actually said that to you? So you're one of those folks that can remember their dreams? I'm guessing that's the only place that something like that took place.
AG
seriously...you watch Jersey Shore? I'm not sure we can be friends anymore...
i'm all for reality TV, and you blogging about it...but Jersey Shore? really??
Same comment as above, but switch Jersey Shore to Bachelor/Bachelorette.
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