Bachelor Pad

(BOD - Peyton Wright)

No boring preamble tonight. Your fearless leader has returned. Let’s start the insanity:

8:03 – I love how Dave called Wes’ bluff. “Or what?” Wes responds with complete silence. You can’t hide behind your guitar now, douchebag. Dave is such a badass. I’d like to have a fantasy suite date with him . . . If . . . you know . . . I was a woman.

8:06 – Why is Tenley crying just while filling out the form anonymously? She’s such a drama queens. Tenley has lost so much goodwill since her stint on The Bachelor.

8:11 – Is Wes in the pool in his underwear? Did he not bring a bathing suit? He might be trying to drown himself.

8:16 – Elizabeth is a moron. She is the epitome of shallow. Also, bad hair.

8:17 – Oh, that slip up by Natalie on the ‘dumbest’ question was fantastic. Why do they think Gwen is dumb? She’s like 50; she must have a lot of life experience. On the other hand, Natalie has the IQ of a cucumber.

8:23 – Yeah, we get it, Wes. You wanted to have sex with Gia. Give it a rest already.

8:25 – Why is Natalie upset that everyone thinks she isn’t marriage material? She said last week that she wanted to nail everyone in the house. A doting wife that does not make. Most guys do not want to marry whores.

8:27 – The look of pure fear on Kovac’s face when he had to write down who had the worst boob job was fantastic. He looked like he was going to shit his pants.

8:28 – What a puss job by Kovacs. He should have thrown Elizabeth so far under the bus; the silicone would have popped out of her chest. Instead, he pretty much just booked his ticket home.

8:36 – “It’s hard to have that stereotype.” Well, no shit, Natalie. Maybe keep your legs closed a little more and not take your top off on a group date. Some words to live by.

8:37 – Kovacs really needs to get his balls re-attached. He’s an embarrassment to men everywhere.

8:38 – Sorry, Kovacs; no one is jealous of Elizabeth’s looks or personality.

8:46 – Christ, another helicopter. The producers must have a few rides left over on their contract from The Bachelorette.

8:47 – Catalina? Are they going to the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer?

8:48 – I want to stop the cynicism for a moment: the ziplining looks legitimately fun.

8:51 – “You made my heart beat fast” – Tenley after her first kiss with Kiptyn. That could also be the onset of angina, dear.

8:56 – I love that Peyton said she wants to go on the date with Jesse because “they have a lot in common.” What she really meant is that she better get a rose because she nailed Jesse in the fantasy suite last week.

8:59 – Is it me or has Tenley not mentioned her ex-husband once this episode? I am completely sober in my drinking game tonight.

9:00 – Kovacs and Elizabeth make me want to puke. Did he just say she’s more important than $250,000 to him? What an idiot.

9:01 – Tenley’s an idiot too. Why wouldn’t Kiptyn take the rose? He wants to stay in the game.

9:02 – Man, they are throwing these fantasy suite cards around like no one’s business. I need to start taking a few of those with me to bars on weekends.

9:09 – Dave is jacked. He’s very impressive . . . Uh, I’m straight . . . I’m pretty sure.

9:11 – What the hell are Peyton and Jesse flying in? I think that might be Billy Bishop’s old plane. Or possibly the Red Baron.

9:19 – Jesse is hammered and he’s going to blow this. Haha what a lightweight. What a chump. He had a free lane to the basket and he ends up tripping on the free throw line.

9:23 – Peyton is officially my favourite girl in the house. What a classy broad.

9:42 – Krisily would give $250,000 to rip Dave’s clothes off and jump him right on the couch. Get in line, sweetheart.

9:54 – Krisily gets screwed by Dave. But not in the way she wants.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.