8:00 – I sit here in my living room with Mama and Sisters Tewks. We’re having a girl’s night. Papa Tewks is nowhere to be found. I suspect he is out looking for a straight son.
8:01 – Watching the episode preview, Mama Tewks just remarked that Jake “is thinking too much with his penis.” This should be an interesting evening.
8:02 – A 2 on 1 date? Now we’re talking. Sounds like a regular Saturday night in my bedroom.
8:03 – Have these girls never seen a bus before? Why do they squeal every time something happens?
8:06 – How many times do we need to see Jake on his motorcycle? Yeah, we get it; he’s like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
8:07 – “If I have to take one for the team and do the 2 on 1, I’ll do it.” Atta girl, Ali. I love her now more than ever.
8:09 – These women are in their twenties, correct? It feels like I’m in the cafeteria in junior high school.
8:14 – Why do they run everywhere? They’re playing hide and seek? Jesus Christ, this is pathetic. Gia's laugh is excruciating. I want to kill myself.
8:15 – Ten bucks Jake has a boner with Gia wrapped around his waist.
8:16 – I’m pretty sure everyone stills call you Mr. Dateless, Jake.
8:17 – Spin the bottle: first time is cheek, second time is lips, third time is . . . penis?
8:18 – Why does Jake always bury his face into these broads’ shoulders? Methinks Jake has some unresolved mommy issues.
8:23 – Ok, let’s be honest. He’s only cooking hot dogs because he wants to see phallic shaped foods enter her mouth.
8:28 – When Gia talks it sounds like she has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth.
8:28 – What do the girls mean when they say “give it all away?” I think their definition and my definition is a little different considering none of them have been naked yet. They must mean emotions and junk.
8:34 – Jake is like that loser in Grease 2 who tries to use a bike to look cool.
8:35 – Ok, we’re at the beach. I better see some fake boobs in a bikini or I’m going to lose my mind.
8:38 – If these girls did Crossfit, they’d be able to get the dune buggy unstuck.
8:39 – “It’s all over my face!” That’s what she said.
8:40 – “I invited everyone to roll down the hill.” Why? These dates seem like the opposite of fun. I would refuse to do any of this bullshit.
8:46 – “I have sand in every crevice in my body”. Oddly, that comment aroused me.
8:47 – Thanks for dressing up for the group dinner, Jake. It looks like he’s going to buy lumber at Home Depot.
8:48 – Do we have confirmation that Jake has ever been with a woman before? He is the epitome of awkward.
8:52 – Why is he laying on top of her like that? What happened to the testicles Jake seemingly developed last week? I am embarrassed as a member of the male gender right now.
8:55 – Vienna is pretty wide. She’s got a linebacker’s frame. She looks like one of the rock formations at Stonehenge.
9:03 – I think Ella gets hotter every episode. She’s starting to grow on me. Kathryn looks like Jay Leno’s daughter.
9:05 – “I look for faith and family values.” Me too, Jake.
9:06 – I would get absolutely hammered drunk on this 2 on 1 date.
9:09 – Oh, Kathryn, nagging and being a bitch is not the way to get a husband. You’re gone, sweetheart.
9:16 – That was a shocker. Ella is a babe. I bet it’s because she has a kid. Too much baggage.
9:18 – WOW!!!! Double elimination. Now that’s a twist. Nice move, Jake. He always seems to redeem himself in the second hour of the episode.
9:20 – Why are they crying that both chicks are gone? Shouldn’t they be happy? I don’t understand this show.
9:28 – Corrie’s gone too. “Do I make you nervous? Why not?” Shut up. No, Corrie, you’re not good looking enough to make me nervous, you arrogant skank.
9:30 – Ali is amazing. I might have to creep her on Facebook after this episode. Maybe give her a little poke. Or is that too soon?
9:34 – How much does Chris Harrison make for hosting this show? He does absolutely nothing. What a sweet gig. Excuse me ladies, I have to make a quick toast and get a production assistant to forge my signature on a date card. Now, where’s my cheque?
9:42 – Stop crying. Christ, this guy is such a pussy.
9:43 – He wants to get rid of two more? Jake is running through these broads like nobody’s business. For a complete wuss, he’s a cold-hearted player.
9:49 – I don’t know how Jake can get rid of Ashleigh in that dress. Wow. Let’s just say my computer just flipped involuntarily off my lap.
9:54 – “It’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal.” It is? I did not get that memo.
Well, this was fun. My revamped top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. I don’t like the rest of them.
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A few of my notes from the show:
In what universe does a first date start like the Gia/Jake one-on-one date? They played hide-and-seek in a vineyard, and then when he found her he proceeded to walk approx. 100 feet with her wrapped around him. This is the first thing you do on a first date??
It’s not just you....Ella was getting hotter. I have no idea why, but she looked fantastic last night. Naturally she had to go.
Now we know why Kathyrn didn’t speak for the first few episodes....when she talks, she’s a whiny bitch.
Producer: “Do you want me to get Chris for you? You ok?”
*Random temp pulls Chris away from a fake conversation with a staffer*
Jake: “Chris, I need some advice.”
Just a fantastic sequence here. Did Chris get his job hosting The Bachelor because he has some kind of special skills in terms of relationships and/or advice? When Jake starts asking him questions about “the rules” and what he’s allowed to do, does Chris just make stuff up?
Those of you who have been following this portion of the blog (which seems to only be the people that want to call attention to questions about our sexuality) will recall that I have not been the biggest Ashleigh fan in recent weeks, but dear God.....I would have given up red meat just to get a glimpse of her in a bra last night.
Jessie (aka “Passive Canadian girl”) finally made a contribution....which inevitably led to her leaving the show. I was beginning to wonder if she thought she was on “Survivor” and it was a legitimate strategy to never talk to anyone, hoping to fly under the radar.
On to the updated Vegas odds, with a few notes on the remaining girls.....
Ali (+175) – Still the clear/easy favourite, and she really does seem fantastic. If Vienna had gone home last night, this line would have been WAY lower (like, even money lower). But I just can’t help but feel like they’re setting it up for that situation to be her downfall. She has tremendous potential to get screwed over on this show and become the next Bachelorette....get your application ready now, Tewks. This is definitely a make or break week for her. If Vienna goes home next week, Ali might have smooth sailing the rest of the way.
Tenley (+350) – I’m not ready to say she flashed glimpses of a personality last night, but I did at least see a facial expression or two, which is a step in the right direction. She’s like a homeless man’s Stacy Kiebler.
Gia (+600) – Last night’s show vindicated me moving her up in the ranks last week. She’s a contender. Seems to be managing to stay neutral in the growing Ali v. Vienna feud, which is probably the best place to be. I mean, everyone likes Switzerland right?
Corrie (+900) – I’m going to (slightly) disagree with Tewks on this one – and in the process completely contradict myself from last week. I actually thought that at the end of the show last night, she looked kind of decent.
“I’ve seen this before.....she’s a two face.”
“Like the Batman villain?”
“If that helps you.”
She’s in line for a one-on-one date sometime soon and could make some noise late.
Vienna (+2000) – There’s just no way. I’ve met this girl 100 times at the bar, and I’ve hated her every time.
If you’re going to be the one that everyone hates in the house, it better be because they’re all typical catty women, and you’re a straight shooter, so you don’t fit in. That seems like the opposite of what’s going on here. I trust Tenley and Ali’s opinion 100 times over.
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