Talkin' With Tewks: Every Rose Has Its Thorn

My last few columns have been entirely too manly in tone and purely focused on sports; discussions meandering from the greatness of Roger Federer, Lance Armstrong’s comeback, the incredible story of Tom Watson’s quest for an Open Title and the possible trading of Roy Halladay.

It’s time I got back to my roots of writing superfluous pop culture pieces so fluffy that a new visitor to the site would be unsure of my sexual preference. That being said, I’m sure most of my veteran readers still aren’t convinced I’m straight.

That’s right sports fans it’s time to discuss the culmination of the current season of The Bachelorette. I’ve never actually watched a season of this before because the entire premise of finding a spouse on national television in two months is just so mind-numbingly stupid and insane. But I digress.

The only reason I started watching this season (and only halfway through) is due solely to the cohesion and success of our beach volleyball team, Team Top Gun. You need one girl on the court at all times and our girl, let’s call her Red, is the best female player in the league. Needless to say, it is in our best interests to keep her happy; which is also why I play shirtless so she can ogle my impressive musculature glisten in the setting sun.

We play Monday nights so our games always coincide with The Bachelorette; Red, being a female, is a huge fan of trashy reality television and it got to the point where her desire to play volleyball was waning due to her trash TV obsession.

Fearing the downward spiral of Team Top Gun into the bottom half of the standings, Gretzpo and I capitulated to Red’s demands and PVR’d each episode with the promise to watch it immediately after our games commenced.

We grudgingly prepared ourselves for our Monday nights to be filled be with crying, overwrought emotion and conniving backstabbing. Then we would watch The Bachelorette. Ba-dum-cha!

However, once we started watching, we became hooked. It is a fantastic show: polarizing characters, excessive drinking, questionable morality, great one-liners and a bachelorette who vacillates between hideous and hot in a matter of frames. Really it’s remarkable. Sometimes she looks like a Peregrine falcon and others times, the gorgeous girl next door.

What made this season great was a fellow by the name of Wes. A Texas country singer, he had no qualms that he was on the show solely for the purpose of garnering publicity for his career. Plus he has a face that you just want to hit with a baseball bat. If you looked up douchebag in the dictionary, Wes and his smarmy shit-eating grin would be staring back at you.

I have to give the guy credit; he preyed on Jillian’s insecurities and horrible decision making and parlayed it into a top four finish.

Here’s what I can’t stand about women and why they are crazy. Everyone could see that Wes was not there to fall in love, except for Jillian. She kept saying that she liked his bad boy persona and that he was misunderstood. Here’s a tip: if you allow guys to treat you like shit, they will treat you like shit. Plain and simple.

Wes even told the other guys he had a girlfriend back home and when they tried to tell Jillian she refused to listen. Jake, aka Mr. Perfect, even returned to the show after being eliminated to out Wes for the colossal prick he is. Did Jillian listen and make a reasonable, logical decision? Of course not.

She said and I quote: “I don’t know who to trust, the All American good guy or the Texas bad boy?”

Your answer is in the fucking question!!!!! What a moron. I would love for a woman to explain this thought process to me because I am at a loss for words. The she sent Jake home and kept Wes around for another a week.
And she wonders why guys have hurt her in the past.

I’m getting too upset, let’s move on.

The final two guys up for Jillian’s affection were Kiptyn and Ed. Kiptyn is way too good looking for her and Ed has just the right amount of goofy everyman in him to be a good fit for Two Face.

I really think Kiptyn dodged a bullet; he has every woman in America thinking he’s a great guy, he’s famous and lives in San Diego; he’ll spend the next 3 months preying on every B and C list actress and model with a 50 mile radius. Good for him.

Ed was the underdog going into the finale but came out on top. A couple episodes earlier he had a bout of erectile dysfunction and had Jillian worried that the physical connection wasn’t there.

Ol’ Ed got right back on the horse and must have embraced his inner Sting with a marathon sex session in the finale because Jillian was starstruck after their second opportunity to ‘make love’.

Congratulations Ed and Jillian. You’ll be broken up by Christmas.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.