Talkin' with Tewks: US Legal System Going to the Dogs

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The news of Michael Vick’s conditional reinstatement to the National Football League, along with questionable off field behaviour of other football stars has forced me to comment on the never-ending legal woes of NFL players. Furthermore, these legal cases have illustrated glaring disparities and misplaced priorities within the US justice system.

Let’s tackle the Michael Vick issue first. Let me begin by saying the accusations levelled against Vick for his part in the dog fighting ring were sickening, reprehensible and inexcusable. Executing underperforming dogs by electrocution, drowning or simply by slamming their heads repeatedly into the ground is absolutely despicable.

This doesn’t even include dogs killed or irreparably harmed in the dogfights themselves. Vick, along with his hometown minions, forced female dogs into ‘rape stands’ to be impregnated by the most aggressive, physically dominant males to ensure selective breeding. Reading excerpts of the court documents makes me hope that Vick himself was propped up into a ‘rape stand’ during his prison sentence and brutalized by a lonely 300lb inmate named Bubba.

The hot topic concerning Vick these days is whether or not he should be allowed to continue his professional football career. I am in the camp that is for reinstatement. He served his time and deserves a chance to regain his livelihood at his chosen profession. The fact his chosen profession pays multi million dollar salaries is beside the point.

The entire point of incarcerating prisoners is to rehabilitate them in the hopes that they can once again become functioning members of society. No one has the right to deny Vick this chance if he has served his mandated sentence, is considered rehabilitated and expresses remorse at his transgressions.

I think the real question is whether Vick can still play the game of football at a high level; it will be tough. He’s two years removed from training and all that forced sodomy while in the clink can’t be good for the legs. Vick’s farts probably sound like air escaping from a punctured bike tire. WHOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!

The second malcontent I want to discuss is quite possibly one of the dumbest human beings on the planet: Plaxico Burress. He was charged with second degree criminal possession of a weapon and third degree possession for carrying ammunition. How he was found to be in possession of a Glock semiautomatic is the best part of the story.

The jackass shot himself in the thigh at a nightclub!!

Let’s try to get into Plaxico’s brain to understand his thought process on the night in question:

I’m the star wide receiver on the New York Football Giants. I feel like getting my freak on at the club tonight. What should I wear? I think I’m going to go with sweatpants; I love a nice elastic waistband. Besides, nothing says mature, rich, young professional like wearing sweatpants in public (who is he, George Costanza?). How can I best accentuate my ensemble? I know, I’ll shove my loaded Glock pistol down my waistband in case I need it (I know the first thing I shove down my pants before I go out is a double barrelled shotgun; but that’s only because I want the hotties on the dance floor to think I have big junk).

I don’t know much about weapons, cars or anything manly but I do know it’s probably not a good idea to have a loaded handgun down your pants in a busy nightclub.

Also, why wasn’t the safety on? If a loaded gun is in close proximity to my penis, I want the assurance that said gun will not let fly with a bullet into my urethra. I’ve become quite fond of my manhood and I would to keep it in working order for some years to come.

Now the penalties for his charges are quite severe; the District Attorney wants to put Burress behind bars for two years, while Plaxico’s defense team has countered with one year. There’s an excellent chance this case will go to trial.

I understand why the penalties are severe for having a loaded weapon in public; to act as a deterrent so others don’t start packing heat while out to dinner at the Olive Garden. However, I don’t understand how Burress’ crimes warrant the same punishment as Vick’s. All Burress should be punished for is being an idiot; I think the shame and embarrassment, not to mention the excruciating pain, of shooting oneself in the thigh is punishment enough. Burress should have to pay a huge fine, do some community service and probation and be educated on gun safety.

The illogical sentencing of Burress compared to Michael Vick brings me to my last case study: Dante Stallworth. There aren’t any male rape or penis shooting jokes in this section; the entire story is just too sad and incomprehensible.

In March, Stallworth was driving drunk in Miami after a heavy night of partying in South Beach. His blood alcohol content was nearly twice the legal limit. During his bumper car ride home, Stallworth struck and killed pedestrian Mario Reyes.

What was Stallwoth’s jail sentence? 24 days.

What the fuck?

He killed another human being with a car while under the influence of alcohol and spends just over three weeks in jail. How is that justice? Michael Vick killed some dogs, which is tragic, but he didn't murder another person. Vick got two years. Plaxico Burress is looking at two years in prison and his only crime is being a moron and socially retarded.

What kind of legal code punishes dog killers and those in possession of firearms more severely than someone who has extinguished the life of another human? There is something seriously wrong with the United States justice system.

I have to stop talking about this as I’m getting too upset. I’m going to Wakestock in Collingwood this weekend to party with scantily clad, sexually adventurous coeds so I need to mentally prepare myself.

Have a great weekend.

Tewks is frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.