A Diehard Fan's Real Time Thoughts

(BOD - Petra Nemcova)

After Tuesday’s podcast, I felt I needed to delve deeper into the psyche of a fanatical supporter of a sports team. I was left wanting more of CSzem’s innermost thoughts to really get to the bottom of why a reasonably sane person would subject himself to such mental torture.


I’ve never been a big of a fan of anything more than my podcast co-host is of the Montreal Canadiens. I wanted to see how such a mind operates before and during a game of supreme magnitude like Game 6 on Tuesday night (I figured I would leave him alone during Game 7 as it’s likely he would have been unable to construct intelligible sentences).

What follows are CSzem’s real time texts to me on Tuesday night during Montreal’s miraculous Game 6 victory with my thoughts in bold below.

5:58 – Pre-game. Can’t decide on jersey. Wore home red G1, G2 (road win). Home red G3 (home loss). Alternate jersey G4, home loss). Red G5 (road loss). Confused.

At first glance, I thought he was referring to the team and what jersey the Habs were going to wear on the ice. Then I realized he was talking about his own fashion choices. Yes, this is a supposedly functional adult male deeply vexed about what hockey jersey to wear while watching said game in the comfort of his own home.

Furthermore, it becomes clear that said non-retarded adult male actually owns more than one jersey of his favourite team. I’m at a loss for words. I’m not sure if I really want to be in his head. I can’t understand how he was allowed to procreate.

6:19 – Now I’m working on pre-game meal. They say pasta is good pre-game. But y’know, that’s for people who are playing. Seems like a lot of carbs. Considering I’m gonna be sitting on my ass for the next 6 hours.

It’s funny because he’s pretending like he’s a real athlete and actually possesses some semblance of athletic skill or ability. Poor, poor CSzem.

6:53 – Out of Molson Export, so I’m drinking a nice red wine for this thing (as any good French Canadian would).

I’m surprised he’s not pairing the wine with a nice French baguette or with, perhaps, a beret on his head. Or that he’s not smoking a cigarette while reading the existential works of Henry Thoreau or any other lame French stereotype.

7:02 – Just had Owen pick my jersey by holding them both up. Mrs. CSzem’s immediate reaction is concern that I’ll blame him if we lose lol.

I love that Cszem felt compelled to add the ‘lol’ at the end of this text, like it would be patently ridiculous for a grown man to blame a defenceless child for a team’s loss for something as insignificant as a meaningless jersey selection so Daddy can play dress up.

What’s funnier is that all of us know that he absolutely would be so petty and insane to actually blame his son for a loss. I can’t wait to see OSzem’s therapist bills when he grows up.

7:17 – What the fuck?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

To be honest, I wasn’t really paying too much attention to the first period, so I can only assume this is when a no name Canadien was hit cleanly into the boards and the wuss dissolved into histrionics flinging himself face first into the glass like a rudimentary squeegee.

7:19 – That’s the first thing Glenn Healy’s ever said that I liked: “Boston can’t score on the PP. Take the bench minor.”

There’s too much hockey talk in this text. Let’s skip it.

7:20 – I scared the shit out of OSzem when the goal got waved off. Lots of tears. Plus HE wasn’t very happy.

Ok, this was a legitimately funny message and illuminates CSzem in a rare moment of sports fandom self-awareness. It’s as rare as a sighting of Haley’s Comet.

7:32 – Owen picked the Cammalleri jersey and he scores goal #1!

And we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming. On a brighter note, at least OSzem gets to eat dinner tonight.

8:17 – That better be 5 mins.

I agree. Lucic’s hit deserved five and a game misconduct. However, I’m surprised CSzem wasn’t calling for a charge of manslaughter or attempted murder. Maybe he’s showing some growth.

8:21 – I want 3 goals in the next 4:45.

And I want to be able to pleasure a woman.

8:43 – Oh thank God because that was brutal from Plek. 

There’s no way that was a slashing penalty on Nathan Horton. That was a ticky tack call. The refs were bullied by the French idiots at the Bell Centre.

8:45 – Did Bob Cole just yell “Everything is happening!!!”

Haha I actually noticed this myself. Listening to Bob Cole call a hockey game in 2011 is like listening to a relative with on-set dementia wax poetic about the Great Depression during Thanksgiving dinner. You’re polite and pay attention, but you just wish he would stop talking.

9:08 - CSzem was silent for an extended period of time, so I sent him the following: "I'm really enjoying the Seidenberg Uncertainty Principle" about Bruin Dennis Seidenberg and his inspired play. It's a play on words about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. He never replied. It's a smart joke and a smart crowd will get it. I'm not going to dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience.

9:41 – That clock could not move fast enough.

Note: Game 7 just finished. I am in a fantastic mood. Canadien fans can ‘Ole, ole, ole’ all the way to the golf course. Good riddance.