This recap will be a little bit different this morning. I was forced to eschew my regular, minute-by-minute recap due to baseball. We were playing the same team we brawled against a few weeks ago, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity for another donnybrook.
As so often happens, no extracurricular activities took place in the rematch, but we did destroy those pansies 14-1.
Thus, I will recap sections of the show as I whip through the broadcast on PVR.
Bachelor Packing Montage
- I literally have nothing to say about this segment except I’m pissed off that the producers forced us to rehash past footage as a time-filler. What a joke. Let’s get to Tahiti already. I don’t need to see these guys pack their swimsuits for a three day trip.
- Oh, hold on. Frank has feelings for an ex-girlfriend? And the plot thickens.
- How could he just have these feelings for ‘Nicole’ now? Could it be that he wanted to appear on as many episodes as he can, so people in the industry know who he is and he can pass along his shitty screenplays to them? Actually, that’s probably exactly what I’d do.
- How can Frank have time to fly to Chicago? Is there a Chicago to Tahiti layover I’m not aware of? This seems as contrived and fake as the phone call to Justin’s alleged girlfriend.
- Why isn’t Nicole wondering why Frank is being followed by a camera crew?
- Pile of dog shit: a bed of roses is analogous to Nicole: Ali
- Why does Nicole even give a shit about what Frank is saying? She hasn’t seen this little twerp in months.
- She thought about Frank everyday? We are talking about the same guy, right? He must be hung like a Woolly Mammoth.
- This seems like a bad production of a cheesy soap opera. What a douchebag Frank is. I hope Ali beats the living shit out of him.
- “I miss your kisses.” I already hate Nicole more than anyone else this season and she’s only had five minutes of screen time.
- “I’m going have to go find Ali” is code for “I want to take this free trip to Tahiti and maybe try to bang Ali before I come back to Chicago and your ugly face.”
Ali and Roberto in Tahiti
- So if Frank is taking himself out of the running isn’t this entire episode pretty much pointless?
- “This is mi casa.” Wow, I had no idea that Roberto was Spanish.
- Fuckin’ helicopters.
- The island is in the shape of a heart? Uh, I don’t think so. Maybe a heart drawn by Muhammad Ali.
- Ali’s body is almost as good as Roberto’s. Wait, what? You know what I mean.
- Why is Roberto sweating so much? This feels like a hostage negotiation.
- Roberto’s going to drop an L-bomb.
- I’ve never seen him so awkward before. Aw, that was a genuinely sweet moment. Christ, I’m such a homo.
- Fantasy Suite Date!! Ok, here we go. Roberto is going to rock her world.
- “I want to spend as much time with you as possible.” Nice euphemism, Ali. I guess saying you’ve wanted to fuck his brains out since the first episode would come across a little whorish.
- “You’re soaking wet!” That’s what she said.
Chris and Ali in Tahiti
- Is she going out with Chris the morning after she slept with Roberto? Talk about sloppy seconds.
- Ali still pretending she’s a tour guide. We get it. She can read and memorize a cue card. We’re all very impressed.
- Ali has really hairy arms. I couldn’t tell which arm was hers and which was Chris’. I could have done without that shot in HD.
- I would like to accumulate a few more pearls and give Ali a necklace as a present. Probably on the Fantasy Suite date.
- This is coming from a man who lives and breathes pina coladas in the Caribbean, but those drinks are extremely effeminate.
- Chris is a very nice guy, but he makes for very boring television.
- If Chris is that bad of a kisser, I don’t have high hopes for his skills in the boudoir.
- All the best, Chris, but you have some pretty big shoes to fill after the Latin Lothario laid some pipe the night before. He better be a very, uh, ‘generous’ lover.
Frank the Douchebag Breaking Ali’s Heart
- I hope Frank gets eaten by a shark.
- Harrison should leap across the room and punch Frank square in his beady, little eyes.
- How is Nicole going to feel when she watches Frank fawn all over Ali like a schoolgirl in the first episodes?
- Just man up and tell her. Frank is such a drama queen.
- How could he break the heart of a girl with a beautiful face like that? I just want to console Ali and hold her. And maybe take advantage of her emotional state.
- Frank is actually crying more than Ali. This is pathetic. The guy needs some testosterone injections.
- Ok fine, you both gave up everything to be here. You do realize you’re in fucking Tahiti right now, right? Get over it.
- Harrison is such a great guy. He should end up with one of these broads one season.
- If this was a romantic comedy, Harrison and Ali would be making out right now.
- Frank is everything you’ve wanted in a guy? That is a compete slap in the face to Roberto and Chris.
- They need to stop trying to drum up faux suspense from this forthcoming rose ceremony. Both guys are accepting roses; let’s move on to next week.
What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
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6 comments:
Well well, Rambo, it seems that this week I have drawn First Blood.
Tewks, my friend, I take umbrage with a few things today.
First off, what the hell is going on with the BOD’s lately? Why do I want to see blurry, low quality pictures, or women lifting more weight than I can? Can we stick to the classics, please?
Second, let’s leave the analogies for the SAT’s. I don’t need to be confused when I’m reading your blog. I am on NO SLEEP right now. And I did much better on the Math section than I did on the Verbal.
To the odds:
Male Partner on Dancing with the Stars (-150) – Too much emotional baggage following “Frank-Gate”. Ali’s not going to be able to get over it and pick a guy. But ABC’s going to keep one of their meal tickets on TV. Hey, speaking of that, how has Chris Harrison not been invited to be on DWTS?
Roberto (+180) – If either of them are going to win this thing, it’s gotta be Roberto, right? I mean, I want to be friends with him. Maybe Roberto is appealing a bit too much to Tewks and I and should be worried about the female vote.
Besides, I’ve heard some support in the Szem household for…..
Chris L. (+400) – I brought back the “L.” in honour of Chris N. I like Mexican food. Chris L. has a shot because Ali’s proved to have pretty weird taste in men. First Jake, then Frank, so who’s to say she wouldn’t pick Chris L. over Roberto? I mean any sane person (I mean "woman") would want to be with Roberto, but Ali might not be thinking clearly.
I wanted nothing more last night than for Chris Harrison to punch Frank square in the face. What a douchebag. Clearly it was set up, but whatever. It made for good tv and got me riled up!
The only comments I have are not goin to be well receieved by you Im afriad. What the crap was with that dress at the rose ceremony?! It looked like a parachute!
And that blue striped tank top that she was wearing on her date with Chris made her ass look massive!!
I don't fully understand why Ali didn't slap Frank. While it was a clear setup and Frank was sort of playing the part, I don't think Ali knew that this was going to happen, and I really really feel for her. She deserves WAY better, and it's sad that she's probably going to choose noone and end up with Jake.
Roberto will be the next bachelor I assume, but I'd love for it to be Kirk or Ty
ps: I would choose chris over Roberto anyday. He's such a sweet and genuine guy!
I really don't see Ali marrying Chris or Roberto....Either one is fine but I'd pick Roberto**sigh**
Oh CSzem... a case of Strep Throat has hindered my post. But here is what I wrote down last night when I was actually awake. It is quite angry, as I am not a happy person when I'm sick.
-WTF! Frank in love with an ex-girlfriend. Now I know this show is fake. I am sure the other girl broke up with him.
-Go to Chicago??? I am in f-ing shock. If this girl Nicole gets airtime, I will blow a lid. Frank is just trying to get more fame.
-This is ridiculous, I don’t even know what to type. He is a psychopath. The cameras seem to have the perfect angle for his walk through town to Nicole.
-He mentioned Ali and she didn’t bat an eyelash... they have been talking in secret. And she is freaky looking, Ali is way hotter. Actually, Nicole and Frank kind of look related with their bug-eyes.
-Ali is a “great girl” and “we have a good connection” = not good enough Frank.
-Nicole just said I love you, and he didn’t say it back. This doesn’t even make sense. I want to know why they broke up in the first place.
-Why does he need to go all the way to Tahiti to break up with Ali. We all know a simple phone call is good enough on this show.
-I don’t even feel bothered to write about anything else right now.
-Sidenote: These dates are so unrealistic. I would fall in love with anyone who took me to these places. Maybe next season put them back in real life with jobs, moodiness, traffic and schedules.
-Holy sex dress for Roberto. Typical yellow... but with extra boobage. She must have been having a real ugly day that they are trying to focus away from.
- Oh, there it is... found the ugly = chin acne... the worst.
-I either really dislike this show now, or its jealousy. I can’t decide.
-Well played Roberto. The love card. She’s hooked. Too bad it was so hard to deliver, he was sweating bullets the whole time.
-Ali is crying before Frank even says anything. I don’t understand.
-This is where I lost the will to live and make comments. That’s all from me.
“He's such a sweet and genuine guy!” No one who has appeared or will ever appear on this show is genuine. Nothing but fame whores looking for their 15 minutes. Everyone who has been on this show or wants to be on it should be rounded up and dumped on an island somewhere to prevent them from ever procreating with the general population. They have nothing to offer society.
“Now I know this show is fake.” Congratulations on catching up with the rest of the world.
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