The Bachelorette: Live Recap

(BOD - Anna Paquin)

We are back! Fresh from a months-long trashy reality television hiatus, Talkin’ with Tewks is back with blanketed coverage of The Bachelorette. Once again, I am coming from you from Casa di Tewks. Mama and Sister Tewks decided to not take the plunge and have chosen to avoid this season. That’s probably for the best as I would not be held accountable for my actions when they denigrated Ali.

8:01 – There are at least 7 brutal looking guys on this season. Ali is definitely slumming.

8:03 – I’m fairly certain Frank shot his wad when he heard he was getting a one on one date with Ali. How will he be able to last if she actually touches his arm or something?

8:05 – They let Ali drive on this date? Frank should have his mancard revoked. What a terrible precedent for young girls everywhere. Gentlemen, you never let a girl drive on the first date. Bobby Riggs is spinning in his grave right now.

8:06 – And it stalled. What a surprise. A woman can’t drive. SHOCKING TWIST!!

8:10 – Why were they running in the opposite direction of where they were driving?

8:11 – I would have pushed Ali out of the way and hogged the paparazzi for myself.

8:13 – Craig R is jealous of Rated R because Craig looks like Shrek.

8:15 – If I was Frank, I would be leaving copies of my manuscript all over the mansion. “Oh, what’s this?” “This looks like a fun read.”

8:16 – Frank is the first guy she kisses? That’s like eating street meat for dinner when you have a gift certificate to The Keg (who represents The Keg? There’s no way I can make that comparison sound less gay than writing this recap in the first place).

8:23 – I love Craig M. He’s stirring the pot, creating some drama. You can tell he’s a lot of smarter than the rest of these morons, so he’s playing mind games to get them to lose focus. I might add him to Facebook. Maybe we can go to The Brazen Head together.

8:24 – “You have exceeded every expectation I’ve ever had.” – Ali to Frank. Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve heard of setting the bar low, but this is ridiculous. I know Jake was terrible, but my God, Frank looks like the guy you stuff in a locker after gym class.

8:30 – Ali looks AMAZING in that bikini top. So does Craig M’s hair.

8:32 – Sexy guy calendar! I mean, ew, gross.

8:33 – I would have stuffed my banana hammock with three pounds of sand.

8:34 – Jonathan the Weatherman has a small penis, guaranteed. Why else would he be so scared to wear the bathing suit? Methinks the lady doth protest too much (Wait, he even said he wasn’t big down there. Jesus, he must be hung like a light switch).

8:35 – I literally think Craig M and I were separated at birth. The resemblances are uncanny. Our photo shoots would have mirrored each other.

8:36 – Another fucking guitar player? That game is so cliché. Think of another way to impress a woman. That shit makes my blood boil. “Oh, look at me, I’m a tortured musician. I’m so sensitive. I cry myself to sleep at night and then write a song about it.”

8:43 – Did you see Ali’s eyes bug out when Ty said he was married? He’s toast. She hated hearing that.

8:44 – Did the Weatherman really just say he was a brown belt and therefore can kick Craig M’s ass? Wow. Watch out for Bruce Lee.

8:47 – The Weatherman is so scared Craig M is going to beat him up. What a pussy. Grow a sack, dude. “Ali, Craig M was like really mean to me and it hurt my feelings. Can you send him home?”

8:52 – Ty got the rose? I did not see that coming. So, I misread signals and wasn’t able to tell what a woman was thinking: the story of my life.

8:58 – If the date with Jesse was really a fantasy date, as Ali suggested, then it would involve a vat of hot fudge and two deaf, mute Icelandic twins.

9:01 – Why does Ali keep driving on these dates? I understand that it’s 2010, but come on. I mean women are allowed to vote, what else does she want?

9:03 – Just a suggestion, Jesse, but you may not want to suplex the woman you’re trying to sleep with it. In my experience, that does not work. A DDT is much more romantic.

9:10 – Ok, I can’t condone Craig M’s actions with the Weatherman. I would have lost my shit if he took my clothes. Not cool, Craig. You’re lucky you still have great hair.

9:12 – This is where Jesse and I are different. When he and Ali were slow dancing I would have forced her into a Dirty Dancing overhead lift. Then I would have requested Hungry Eyes from the poor man’s Michael Buble.

9:19 – Chris L is my dark horse pick to win. He seems like he’s there for the right reasons. TAKE A SHOT!!

9:21 – Ali LOVES Roberto. She can’t even form coherent sentences when she looks at him.

9:22 – Roberto played college baseball. And he brought his glove? Christ, I would have sex with Roberto at this point.

9:25 – Frank thought Ali was his girlfriend after one date? Why is she not running for the hills? And she’s making out with him again. Frank is terrible. Am I the only one not seeing this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

9:31 – “Looks like the forecast is very rosy.” Everything I hate about the Weatherman can be summed up in that sentence.

9:34 – Craig M has no game. This is incredibly disappointing. I take back everything nice thing I said about him. He’s extremely awkward around Ali. This is excruciating to watch. He’s all talk in front of the guys and just retreats into a shell around a woman. What an unbelievable douche.

9:42 – It was great when the Weatherman told Craig M to “grow up. You’re 34.” Then Craig mumbles “I’m not 34.” Two minutes Craig is being interviewed and the banner at the bottom of the screen said he was 34. Just a fantastic sequence. Craig is a complete joke.

9:50 – Who the hell is Steve?

9:52 – The fucking Weatherman got a rose? Craig M rightfully should have been eliminated, but the Weatherman should have followed him out the door. Although, his rose represents hope for guys with small junk everywhere. Somewhere Gretzpo is smiling.

9:53 – Craig M’s egotistical exit interview was much more pathetic when you realize he’s awful around women. It’s like pulling back the curtain and seeing the Wizard is actually a short, fat bald guy. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

9:55 – Man, they are really giving it to the Canadians this season. I need to be on next year to help restore this great nation’s image.

What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.