The Bachelor Finale Recap

I can’t believe it’s here already. The season finale of The Bachelor. It seems like only yesterday I cast away any illusions of being a rugged, manly man and embraced my love for such trashy television.

I’m getting all emotional just thinking about it. Although, it might just be gas.

On to the final recap of this epic show. Cue the band: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:02 – Why is Jake wearing a T-shirt with a plunging neckline? At this point, it might make more sense if he just held up an ‘I’m a gay guy’ sign.

8:05 – Christ, even Jake’s Dad is a pussy.

8:06 – “Vienna’s really smart”. Are you kidding me? Jake has pretty much left all his thought processes to his penis, hasn’t he? His brain is on a permanent vacation.

8:10 – Wow. Watching Tenley walk out of that limo certainly snapped Little Tewks to attention. He just made his final choice.

8:12 – Tenley fits so well with this boring, vanilla family. I could see them doing this for the next fifty years. This is brutal.

8:13 – Why is Jake’s Dad still crying? No wonder Jake is such a dork.

8:14 – Nice set of jugs on Jake’s Mom, but why is she asking about conflict resolution? Is this a job interview?

8:15 – Tenley just mentioned her ex. Everyone take a shot.

8:17 – Papa Pavelka is crying again?

8:18 – “What is he, 5?” Great comment by Sister Tewks after learning that Jakey likes to roughhouse and push people into pools.

8:20 – The producers are making Tenley out to be the obvious choice. It’s all too perfect. It’s an old magician’s secret: misdirection. It’s the same technique I use to slip roofies into girls’ drinks at the bar.

8:25 – Vienna’s meet and greet is going to be a disaster. His family is going to hate her.

8:26 – “Oh, look who’s hereeeee”. Jake’s Mom is staring absolute daggers at Vienna right now.

8:27 – The Pavelka women are not impressed with the cross-eyed freak.

8:28 – Jake’s Mom is the voice of reason. She should take over for Harrison next season. How can Jake not see how horrible Vienna is?

8:34 – “I feel like I’m trying to talk people into Vienna.” How does that not set off alarm bells in Jake’s small, pea brain? This is so frustrating.

8:37 – The conversation between Jake’s Mom and Vienna is like the courtroom scene in A Few Good Men:

“Do you want answers?”
"I think I’m entitled.” “Do you want answers?”
“I want the truth.”
“You can’t handle the truth!”

8:40 – Jake’s family is letting me down. What is wrong with the water in Saint Lucia that they think this bleach blond tramp is marriage material?

8:47 – Jake and Vienna are going on a date at a Sulfur Spring. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t sulfur smell like farts? Hmm, maybe this date is appropriate for Vienna.

8:49 – “I don’t think Vienna is marriage material”, courtesy of Sister Tewks. No shit. I don’t think Vienna is one night stand material.

8:50 – Why are they covering each other in mud? This is like Predator.

8:56 – When Jake says things like “Vienna offers things that Tenley doesn’t” can we all just agree that it means Vienna will go down on him and Tenley won’t.

9:00 – “I just want to fall asleep in your arms again.” I hate this show. How do I watch this shit?

9:07 – Joyride on a yacht or mud bath in fart springs? These dates perfectly personify Tenley and Vienna.

9:10 – “The heat is building slowly.” That means that Tenley has the guard dog out in front of her garden of earthly delights.

9:12 – Jake’s an asshole. How could he hurt Tenley’s feelings like that? He deserves that trashy whore. All his bullshit about finding true love is just a cover for finding the chick who is the best lay.

9:22 – I think Tenley just grabbed his junk! Atta girl. I got your physical chemistry, Jake . . . RIGHT HERE! That’s a Heisman Trophy calibre move.

9:26 – Oh, Jake is so pensive at the edge of that reflecting pool. What a powerful moment.

9:27 – There’s another ex-husband bomb. I am so wasted right now. It’s the only thing making this show bearable.

9:32 – Another one! I think I have alcohol poisoning.

9:33 – Tenley, Jake’s only going to get down on one knee if you’re willing to get down on two.

9:40 – Look at Tenley! She looks amazing. How can he not pick her? I don’t understand. Vienna is terrible!

9:41 – Wow, this is actually hard to watch. She looks crushed.

9:42 – Tenley is so classy. Keep your chin up. This is like a romantic comedy except the two stars don’t end up together in the end because the guy got Chlamydia from the neighbourhood whore.

9:45 – Jake’s a moron.

9:46 – I would have loved it if Chris Harrison looked at Tenley and asked “So, how did it go?” That would have killed me.

9:54 – I don’t even give a shit anymore.

9:57 – I hope their plane goes down on the way back to the States.

9:58 – Ok, I’m done. I can’t watch this On the Wings of Love music video.

Tune in tomorrow for a special podcast with CSzem to recap this season of The Bachelor and a discussion on the After the Final Rose special.

Let me know what you thought of tonight’s finale.