Mouthguards Belong in the Mouth

Allow me to channel my inner curmudgeon (think a drunken Andy Rooney) and discuss something in the NHL that has become more and more prevalent over the last couple of years and drives me absolutely bonkers: the inappropriate and disgusting use of mouthguards by young NHL players.

Next time you watch an NHL highlight package, watch what happens after a player scores a goal. Invariably and without fail, the first thing he will do, even before raising his arms in celebration, is spit his mouth guard out into a gloved hand.

Why do they do this? Does a mouthguard-free jaw make it more enjoyable to celebrate with your teammates? I’ve played hockey and I agree that mouthguards are kind of a pain in the ass, but I never felt the need to expel the safety device out of my head after bulging the twine (I also never scored very many goals, but that’s beside the point). It looks so stupid for a player to care that much about such a minor nuisance.

And these are professional hockey players; they can afford expensive mouthguards, which fit perfectly around the teeth and are moulded to perfection. They aren’t using the one size fits all mouthguards from Canadian Tire that you had to boil in hot water and were probably made from the same plastic used on Hot Wheels race tracks in the 1970s.

The most glaring perpetrators of this ridiculous ritual are players under the age of 25. I think I’ve figured out why guys are doing this but the logic is so pathetic and narcissistic, it makes me concerned for society as a whole (and if I think its narcissistic then it must be bad).

It’s common knowledge that a mouthguard forces your cheeks and jaw into an unusual position, so there is just something “off” about your appearance when wearing one. It’s also common knowledge that goal scorers get close-ups on the television feed after they score. Now, I think players are so cognizant and egotistical about their media images that they consciously remove the mouthguards upon scoring so they can present their “best” to the viewing public.

Sure this logic is flawed because most hockey players have no teeth and are as ugly as sin, but they are also contenders for the dumbest athletes on the planet.

Also, it dumbfounds me when players sit on the bench and chew their mouthguards. This morning I saw Vinny Lecavalier clamp down on his mouthpiece like he was Hannibal Lecter snacking on a census taker’s liver. It didn’t even look like a mouthguard dangling from his lips; it looked like he was chewing a piece of bubble wrap. How is that going to protect against concussions?

Lastly, I wanted to write about this topic because it gives me an opportunity to link to one of my favourite comedy bits of all time (and also gives my female readers a taste of what sex with Tewks is like).