Friday, October 16, 2009

Talkin' with Tewks: Mail Call plus Book Excerpt

As you aware, I am hard at work at writing a fictional book about baseball. Here is another excerpt to tide all of you over until I finally get around to finishing this thing:

The highlight of Tewks’ junior year, and probably his life at that point, came in the Division I sectional playdowns. Huron High was pitted against a powerhouse school from Flint. The River Rats clung to a tenuous 5-4 lead heading into the bottom of the seventh when Tewks was called in from the bullpen.

A leadoff single, sacrifice bunt, flyout and walk had runners on first and second with two out and Flint’s cleanup hitter striding to the plate. A deep pit of despair formed in Tewks’ gut as he watched the batter ready himself in the box. This slugger was someone from Tewks’ baseball past; a vestigial reminder of all the disappointment he had felt at the hands of the game he loved.


Gretzpo grinned out at Tewks from the batter’s box. The Gretzpo family had moved to Flint eighteen months earlier; the change in scenery did little to quell his prodigious talent. Gretzpo led the state in RBIs and was fifth in home runs. The change in scenery also did little to change the fact Gretzpo was still an asshole.

Gretzpo hocked a glob of spit towards the mound and mouthed the words, “You’re fucking dead”, to a visibly shaken Tewks.

Tewks, his confidence dropping, stepped off the mound and wiped his brow with the back of his left hand. How do I pitch him, Tewks thought to himself. As visions of Gretzpo walk off home runs swirled around in his head, Tewks realized two things:

First, Gretzpo hadn’t seen him pitch in over two years. To him, Tewks was still the doughy coach’s son with no semblance of talent. He had no idea of the work Tewks had put in over the offseason to transform himself into a bonafide closer. He’s expecting me to throw slop at him, if I get it near the plate at all, Tewks reasoned.

Second, Tewks could use Gretzpo’s massive ego to his advantage. It was obvious there was no doubt in Gretzpo’s mind that he was going to break Tewks’ heart and win the game for his team; he didn’t want to just get on base, Gretzpo wanted to deposit Tewks’ offering about 400 feet away in left center. He looked way too comfortable standing in the batter’s box. Tewks decided to shake him up a bit; make Gretzpo move his feet. There was only one way to do that.

Tewks took the sign from his catcher, reared back and let fly with the hardest fastball he could muster. The ball shot towards Gretzpo’s jugular vein, forcing him to pirouette wildly out of the way of the incoming heat seeker, his feet kicking up dust in the process.

Gretzpo, his chest heaving, stared incredulously at Tewks, shocked at the velocity of the pitch. He quickly regained his composure and once again readied himself in the box. However, this time Gretzpo’s feet weren’t quite so steady. There was an imperceptible shift in his balance, which marked his unease.

Tewks smiled inwardly. His ploy had worked. Gretzpo’s focus was not one hundred percent on hitting; he was now concerned about taking a pitch in the chops.

Tewks took the sign and steamed in another inside fastball but this one caught the edge of the plate, which froze a flinching Gretzpo. The count was even up. 1-1.

Huron High’s catcher flashed the sign for a changeup, but Tewks shook him off emphatically. He’s looking change, let’s stick with the heat.

Tewks came set, checked the runners and sent another fastball screaming over the outer half. Once again, Gretzpo watched it go by; he was looking for the local and got the express. 1-2.

The count in his favour, Tewks didn’t want to fool around with a waste pitch. He wanted to wipe that smug smile off Gretzpo’s face right here. The River Rat’s catcher signalled for another off speed pitch and once again, Tewks shook him off.

The catcher, suddenly cognizant of what Tewks was trying to do, threw down his index finger, the universal signal for the ol’ Number 1. But this time, he swirled his finger around in a circular motion as if to say, throw it harder than before.

Tewks took a step off the mound and inhaled deeply. He was completely focused, drowning out the sound of the swelling crowd and the atmosphere around him. He shook his left arm vigourously, pumping himself up for this next pitch.

Completely ignoring the runners and lifting his right leg high, Tewks ripped a fastball right down the cock. The ball barrelled toward the plate, just above Gretzpo’s belt buckle. Gretzpo had started his swing early, but the ball got on him too quick. His bat sailed beneath the ball, which smacked into the catcher’s mitt with the sweetest sound Tewks had ever heard.



Strrrriiiiikkkkkkkkeeeeeeee Three!!!!!!!!! Game over.

Tewks pumped his fist in victory and was immediately swallowed into a victory huddle with the rest of his jubilant teammates. Tewks was so caught up in the commotion that he didn’t notice Gretzpo, ever the sportsman, fling his bat with disgust, nearly braining a spectator, and stalk dejectedly back the dugout embarrassed by his former teammate and favourite target of ridicule.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tewks

The airwaves and print media were filled with opinions on the awarding of the Noble Peace Prize to Barrack Obama during the past week - I thought yoyr readers might enjoy a look at the serious side of Tewk's so What is your opinion ? Dwight PS How about them Leafs?

Anonymous said...

Partial discrepancy among friends has arisen due to the Major League Baseball League Championship Series. Dodgers and Phillies, decent ballgame last night, but a slightly more imposing question was pondered during the game. Of the Cardinals lineup in the Division Series, what players would say were counted on for consistency, please elaborate towards players on Phillies and Dodgers as well, since the AL is a joke anyway

Cheers,

HeWhoLiftsHousesAndCrushesBrews

Anonymous said...

Tewks

Dilemma.
So you go to a party, and get absolutely polluted, at this point you are talking to anything with legs, even the endtable has soemthing interesting to say. You end up speaking with a young harlot who wants nothing more than to sink her teeth into your meat, however, somehow in place deeply hidden in your brain, your conscience wakes up and tells you your buddy, nay, your roommate has hooked up with this girl. At this point in time, and level of poison in your bloodstream, you try and pick up scraps at said establishment, and because you are Tewks, you are succesful in capturing a whale of a fish.
Here's your dilemma. The Whale you just picked up is roommates with the first girl, you wake up and are walking down the hallway.
What do you do.
(This is a choose your own adventure)

Sir Geoffrey Von Deuchenstein

thy drunken rookie said...

what do we have to do to breed an elite athlete that actually cares about the world?

my mom and others claim that athletes are overpaid. for example, alex rodriguez is currently suckling at the teat of a $250-million contract from baseball's equivalent of the dark side. the man has more money than jesus and the infinite public exposure (that time he appeared in a magazine making out with his own reflection made me a little uneasy) that brings a power to do right that would make the average do-gooder and even the odd congressman soil himself.

when derek jeter (rodriguez' co-conspirator on the left side of the yankee's infield), endorses sprite, manhattan in its entirety descends upon the nearest corner store in obedience of the the man that tells them to obey their thirst. and yet we see a dearth of athletes, canada's beloved steve nash notwithstanding, who appear to give two monkey shits about the fact that the world that watches them chase a disk of rubber around a sheet of ice is, well, going to monkey shit.

sure, many athletes do knightly deeds and speak out about shortcomings in their sport or in the world at large after their retirement, but who cares about the ramblings of anyone removed from the game for any longer than since training camp? one example of this would be bill romanowski, formerly the most terrifying man in the world, giving his two cents about the well-being of the (albeit marginally functional) brains rattling around in today's football helmets. romanowski speaks from experience as possibly the most concussed person in the world and his advice should be valued, but his sphere of influence is a mere lesion on the oft-licked sack of today's top athletes. those on top of their game are as quiet, reserved and clueless about what to do as tewk's doctor might be upon seeing the results of his...well you know...tests. and the reason they are that way is simple – why shit on the hand that wipes your ass?

don’t tell me they can’t spare the time. if a-roid has enough patience to deal with jennifer hudson’s coked-out shenanigans, then he’s got time for the boys and girls clubs of america. so how do we get athletes to care about things and devote their influence to that more worthy than a mach 3 razor? (and how much wang did gillette have to choke to get federer, jeter and woods in the same ad?) do we pay them less? make them read the newspaper? make them spend more time in school? or is a socially conscious .300-30-100 stud a simple contradiction of the laws of the sports world?

Anonymous said...

Tewks,

A British Study released this year entitled ‘Violence and delayed social independence among young adult British men’ concluded that young men aged 20-24 who stay at home with their parents are more violent than those who live independently. Since it is a known fact that you still live with your parents, what is your opinion on these findings? Any connection to your own behaviour?

Rambo

http://www.springerlink.com/content/2h30645116200745/fulltext.pdf?page=1

Anonymous said...

Mini skirt or generous neck opening?

Anonymous said...

Tewks:

I think we need to get some serious juices flowing (that's what she said) as opposed to the comedy that you usually provide in your much anticipated - by some - columns. I don't have a direct question, because I want you to be at liberty with whatever you'd like to say.

So, what is your take on the Christian religion? I don't care what denomination of Christianity, but I want to know how you feel about their convictions, about what the Bible advocates, and about how you feel it affects the judgements and lifestyles of the Christians and non-Christians in society.

And please, answer seriously. We all know that you don't advocate abstaining from sex before marriage, but maybe you could delve a little deeper and really give us something to think about.

- Bella

Anonymous said...

Tewks

Do we have any female characters is this novel of yours or will be treated to locker room male interaction only?

Patty said...

iPhone or Blackberry?
Mac or PC?
MLB Umpires or instant replay?
Facebook or Twitter?
Winter or Summer Olympics?

Sally said...

What was your most epic Halloween costume to date and why?

Also, please rank your Halloween costumes of recent years based on how successful they were at getting you laid.

Dwight said...

What kind of bear is best?

Mrs. Crash Davis said...

Knowing you have a slight obsession with your physique and also with trying to get laid, I ask this dilly of a pickle: if you had to choose between being morbidly obese or never having sex again, which would you choose and why?

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you're not gay?

- Caitlin