There are three reasons why I’m writing a blog entry well in advance of my monthly foray into journalistic excellence.
First, I am currently unemployed and I live at home with my parents. Writing for this blog is the only thing stopping me from taking a bath with a hair dryer.
Second, I have a burning desire to gloat. All four of the teams I picked to play in the NFL conference championships won on Sunday, proving that I, along with Bill Belichick, have an unparalleled football mind.
(Also, did anyone see who named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year? Brett Favre. That might have been the worst moment of my week. Who else was in the running? Michael Vick and Barry Bonds?)
Third, the stress of coming up with Pulitzer Prize-worthy column ideas is getting to me. I’m about ten days away from channeling my inner Hemingway, moving down to Key West and drinking myself stupid for the rest of my life.
This is why I am imploring my dozens of readers to help your good buddy Tewks in his time of need. Post any sports, popular culture or "man" questions or comments to the "comments" section at the end of this entry. I will answer every question that gets posted in my next column.
For example, if someone could comment on how to properly seduce a woman, this advice would prove invaluable to Gretzpo. We went out drinking on Saturday night and he wasted three hours talking to a masculine looking female (there’s a 35% chance she had a penis) and couldn’t close the deal. Clay Aiken has better game than Mr. Gretzpo.
Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog
The End
13 years ago
Posts
13 comments:
Tewks really like your stuff since you are living at home i suppose your parents must be pretty hip people they must be to put up with such an outrageous character as yourself keep up the columns i think reiily is retiring from sports illlustated
Tewks.
Since you are "Survivor's #1 Fan", I have a question along those lines. If they were to do a MLB Survivor show involving many different athletic challenges and other survival based activities, who would be victorious, Pitchers or Position Players? The only reason I ask, is that I once played on a team where pitchers (delusionaly, I must add) thought it was outrageous that the position players could out play them in a game of baseball. It was clear who was boss when the pitchers were sodomized in a 2 inning mercy (>10 runs). Tewks, my question is, would the pitchers remain the real 'catchers' (as you, tewks have openly admitted to being, as chair of the World Outgames (not that there's anything wrong with being a faggot)) in an all encompassing 'survivor' challenge? If you believe the Pitchers would be able to outlast, outplay, and ultimately top the Position Players, please explain how, in detail. Thank You, Sincerely, 2006 Ontario Batting Champion
Tewks, great of you to lend a helping hand. I have been in need of some council for a little while now. I have been suffering from CWAD (Chubby Woman Attractive Disorder). Since the middle of October, I've found myself in bed with two real heifers, and it's disturbing. People think I'm an asshole for dislike(hate)-ing fat people. But that's just not the truth. I value self-respect higher than other people. I'm extremely turned on when I see someone who visibly respects them self. And it's easy to see who does, and who doesn't. Those who chose to be fat clearly do so willingly, and therefore don't have any self-respect. What I ask of other people, is how can you respect a fat person, when they're choosing consciously to present themselves in such fashion? I know I'm not actually attracted to them, that's just preposterous. And hell, they're even CONTAGIOUS(1). What should I do about my current trend? Am I myself infected? And what, as society, should we do to make sure these heifers, contagious with deadly consequences, become locked up, safely quarantined from us 'real' people, safe from our friends, family, children even?
Yours Truly,
6PACK4LIFE
(1)http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1646997,00.html
it appears that my reference was partially cut off. Unfortunate. But here it is in full, remember kids, all one line, no spaces. And little ones, remember that a stranger asking for candy is just as dangerous as a stranger offering candy. Stay away, when the obese get hungry, you might just be the closest fix they can get their hands on.
http://www.time.com/time/health/
article/0,8599,1646997,00.html
Tewks, finally something worth reading graces the World Wide Web. Although I enjoy your incite on the National Football League, I find your support for the Dallas cowboys despicable. Myself being a die hard eagles fan, I have disregarded all of your Super Bowl picks as a direct boycott toward “America’s Team”. But I digress; I wanted to know your take on the currently released Mitchell Report by George Mitchell, exposing approx 80 current and former Major League Baseball players of using performance enhancing drugs. Do you think this list will effect hall of fame voting for players like Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield etc.?
Tewks on a serious note - with the george mitchell inquiry identifying a number of superstars as being on the juice (including the self proclaimed pitching deity "the rocket") how will baseball handle potential hall of fame inductees - will all be ignored or will the deity still make it
I was wondering if you caught the Tyra Banks show today. Tyra interviewed Alyssa Milano of Charmed and Who's the Boss? fame. (I figured there's a good chance that you watch since you're unemployed and live at home with the parentals.)
Alyssa unveiled her new line of baseball apparell for women. She complained of companies marketing sports-fan clothing for women in hideous, non-figure flattering designs. Oh and everything being pink. Her new line offers female basball fans the choice of cute dresses, stylish baseball influenced blouses and close fitting hoodies. Was wondering what you think of this clothing line and if it you think it will be sucessfull in allowing women to simulataneously channel their inner sports fan and fashionista. (as everyone knows that any self respecting woman does not want to dress like the fat slob beside her at the baseball game who is 'pounding brews' with the fellas and looking like a big hot mess.
Furthermore, if women can look hot while taking in a game, do you think that this will make women more likely to want to waste a few solid hours watching a painfully boring sport such as baseball?
I've tried everything to meet women... up to and including being on a Canadian Game Show. Now when I try and use that as a line I'm told that I am "The Weakest Link" ... "goodbye".
Any tips?
Longtime reader, first time poster.
Tewks, since you seem to be an aficionado in comparative "literature" why don't you parallel another match-up: Randy Moss and Terrell Owens? Okay, okay in keeping with the silver platter of your fan posts, I'll now move on to baseball. Do you think that the Mitchell Report (not the one about the Middle East) will impact the attendance rates this year? Why was Bonds targeted for steroid-use over someone like Roger Clemens? Is there another non-racial explanation? Finally: why is Jeffrey Loria such an asshole (can I say asshole?)?
Happy blog trails.
Tewks, knowing that you enjoy the company of a woman late at night, here's a ladies question. At what point is a girl too drunk to take home? Does it depend on how hot the girl is/how drunk you are?
Tewky,
Mitchell report...the whole thing was a big waste of money (well one of my contract law classes was cancelled because my prof was a chief investigator in the report)EXCEPT CLEMONS NAME. My question is what do you think of Bonds/Clemons....best hitter/pitcher of the modern era were cheaters. Does this mean baseball was bullshit for the last 10 years? Personally, i'd asterisk all the records and the championships in which teams had known steroid users. What would you do? What ballot do Bonds/Clemons get in the hall of fame (if they do)? Do you still think Clemons is the man?
Just one question:
Boxers or briefs?
Ok, on a more serious note...
The other night ESPN aired a one hour special, Capital One Presents: NFL Legends. The show was narrated by (the man) Tom Selleck and highlighted the careers of NFL QBs Manning, Brady and Favre (all of whom you have addressed in your previous columns). Selleck constantly (and not surprisingly) compared the three to Joe Montana. In your opinion, with Montana as the standing example, who best embodies an "NFL Legend"?
Also, who would you do?
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