I Pleasure Myself on Three Days Rest

(How about that Halloween costume: White Goodman from Dodgeball. The resemblance is uncanny. I had to walk around downtown Toronto dressed like that; people were concerned for my safety but, let’s be honest, who’s going to mess with biceps like that?)

The Yankees won Game 4 of the World Series last night on the strength of clutch hitting by Mr. Kate Hudson. The results of the game seemed almost secondary as the only topics people wanted to discuss this morning were the Yankees’ decision to start CC Sabathia on three days rest and Philadelphia’s decision to rest Cliff Lee for Game 5 tonight.

As a pitcher, I feel that it is my responsibility to weigh in on this matter to educate the masses as opposed to fat, middle-aged sportswriters whose athletic exploits ended in grade 9 gym class.

The media makes it seem like pitching on three days rest is the most physically demanding activity in all of sports. Pitchers who throw on short rest are lionized as gritty throwbacks to a different era when men were men.

First off, pitching on three days rest isn’t that impressive. I’ve thrown on zero days rest plenty of times in my career. Hell, I threw on thirty minutes rest twice this year (pitched both ends of a doubleheader). Now Tewks, you say, you couldn’t touch 90 miles an hour unless you were driving in a car; these guys throw mid 90s gas, which puts much more torque and strain on their bodies than your “fastball.”

Fine, I’ll concede that point. I have worse stuff than Josh Towers (seeing that typed out makes me want to quit the game forever). However, I also don’t have access to all the cutting edge advances in athletic therapy and massage. Major League pitchers get massaged everyday, and they have access to cold and hot tubs and other devices designed to help them recover after a start.

What does my recovery regimen look like? I take two Ibuprofen, ice for 10 minutes and drink beer until my arm doesn’t hurt anymore. And I still have the testicular fortitude to get back on the mound and throw gems.

Pitchers are molly-coddled too much these days. There’s a reason why pitchers are thought to be limp-wristed prima donnas with fragile egos. No one expects them to be tough, so when a guy like CC goes on short rest, poems are written about his “warrior” mentality. Look at Nolan Ryan: he pitched for over 20 years, threw well over 130 pitches per start, and regularly threw on three days rest. The human body can adapt to extraordinary stresses, but it needs to be given the chance to be tested.

In this era of pitch counts and million dollar contracts, everyone is so damn scared of hurting a young arm. Hundreds of pitchers are never given the chance to reach their true potential.

If AJ Burnett gets lit up tonight (which he will), the media will crow that it was due to his pitching on three days rest. Sorry, wrong answer. Burnett will get demolished tonight because he will not be throwing in the cozy confines of Yankee Stadium with 50,000 people supporting his every move.

Philadelphia fans are historically brutal on opposing pitchers and AJ can’t pitch in hostile environments because he is mentally weak. He shrinks from the face of adversity and, when the going gets tough, he folds like a cheap suit.

Cliff Lee will send the World Series back to New York and Pedro will get his revenge in Game 6.