(BOD - Candice Crawford)
I was fully prepared to spend the Friday columns discussing the trashy greatness that is Jersey Shore Season 2. But after a lacklustre premiere episode, I wasn’t convinced the show had enough substance to recapture the lightning in a bottle magic of last season.
However, I did learn something very important from one of the greatest seers of our time, The Situation. Last night he taught me about the ‘shirt before a shirt.’ Apparently, before going to the club to hit on ugly girls all night, one must wear a wifebeater tank top as the shirt before the shirt. Then, approximately ten minutes before going to the bar, you put on your club-worthy shirt. The shirt before the shirt ensures that your ‘good’ shirt stays ‘fresh’ as long as possible.
And now you know.
Ozzie Guillen is at it again. A few times a season, you can count on the mercurial Chicago White Sox manager to fly off the handle about some issue, while giving his very specific and very controversial opinions on how to ‘fix’ it.
Normally, people don’t take too much heed in what Ozzie says and it’s dismissed pretty much as soon as he opens his mouth. I think he’s not taken seriously because of his charming mix of English and Spanish when speaking (he usually gets so fired up that Spanish starts leaking in to his sentences), his reputation as a ‘speak first, think later’ type person, and his accent. Guillen’s heavy accent makes him sound like the multicultural sidekick in a bad buddy cop movie (cough, The Other Guys, cough).
Interestingly, no one has ignored Ozzie’s latest comments or dismissed them as ludicrous. To paraphrase, Guillen said that it’s unfair that Latin American players are forced to get by without interpreters while Japanese imports receive such help all the time.
His point is salient, but the fix isn’t to provide Latin American players with interpreters as well. The focus should be on teaching players English with regular language classes. To provide these players with interpreters would allow them to just continue speaking Spanish and not learning the language of majority of MLB.
More often that not, Latin players are left to fend for themselves in the minor leagues, far away from home, with no grasp of the language of most of their teammates. They should be given the opportunity to learn the language of their teammates, to socialize with them, and become a part of the family.
However, I do think Asian players should be given interpreters. Why? Because when an Asian import comes to North America, there is a 99% chance he will be the only person on the roster who can speak his language. There are a few Spanish speakers on every major and minor league club, so new Latin imports will still have someone to talk to.
To sum up: Latin interpreters, no, Asian interpreters, yes, English classes for all, a resounding yes.
(BOD - Joanna Krupa)
Admittedly, I look like a genius by forgoing the Alex Rodriguez discussion yesterday and weighing in on his inevitable 600th home run and the media reaction today. For those of you who are unaware, ARod hit his 600th versus Shaun Marcum and the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday afternoon. I was even lucky enough to witness the feat live because I wanted to see how it was handled by the fans and broadcasters.
(Quick aside: after yesterday’s column about Brett Favre and his apparent text messages to teammates telling them of his impending retirement, the King of the Waffle has apparently changed his mind already. He says he never sent any text messages and will probably play if healthy. What an idiot.)
The Yankee Stadium crowd obviously went bonkers immediately after Rodriguez hit his dinger. They serenaded him with resounding cheers and demanded a curtain call from their third baseman. And that’s it. The game wasn’t stopped for an in game presentation; no messages were delivered from any current 600 homer men welcoming ARod to the club.
Congratulations, ARod. I will never remember where I was the day you hit 600 (I would love to take credit for that clever line, but if I do, the person who sent it to me will undergo a breakdown because they are emotionally needy and need to be constantly recognized and encouraged).
Even the fans, while they cheered the team on the front of his jersey, seemed detached from the historical significance of the moment. Just imagine if Derek Jeter had hit his 600th home run. The game probably would have been cancelled and Jeets would have been named the Mayor of New York.
And there lies the problem with ARod. He just isn’t likeable. People respect his talents, but he never has nor will he ever be beloved. I believe that’s the main reason why fans, outside of New York, weren’t getting fired up for this historic moment.
I believe there are two reasons why the media seems subdued around this feat. Of course, steroids are the primary reason. The numbers just don’t seem as impressive when you realize most of the great home run talents of the past generation were on enough chemicals to bring down a rhino.
Baseball is a game about numbers and performance-enhancing drugs have cheapened those numbers, so it’s difficult to place these feats into the proper historical context. I’m sure time will eventually look back at this era favourably (every era has a certain stain on it), but, for right now, people aren’t sure how to handle these accomplishments.
Another reason for the lack of interest, that hasn’t gotten much play in the media, is the fatigue principle. The greater the frequency of an event, the less it’s going to make a memorable dent in the media landscape.
There have been only seven men to ever hit 600 homers and four of them have done it in the past decade (Jim Thome seems a lock to be the fifth). What used to be an unbelievable feat seems almost commonplace after the dust of the steroid era has settled.
The same thing has happened to no-hitters this year. They used to be somewhat rare, stars-aligning games and would be celebrated as such. However, no-nos are being thrown so often this year, that I don’t think anyone bat an eyelash when Matt Garza threw his.
Matt Garza threw a no-hitter?
Exactly.
(BOD - Emily Deschanel)
In a parallel universe, one where the romanticized notion of sports exists, where sports are the glue that bond fathers and sons, old and young, the (apparent) decision of Brett Favre to retire from the National Football league and Alex Rodriguez’s quest for 600 home runs would captivate the national consciousness. It would cause aging sportswriters to wax poetic for thousands of words, exhausting their thesauruses finding new superlatives for greatness.
Instead, both Favre’s supposed retirement and ARod’s eventual 600th home run are mere blips on our radar screens.
I’m not going to sit here and decry the lack of interest in either story, in fact, I couldn’t care less about either one. My dislike for Favre is well-documented and I’m completely ambivalent towards Rodriguez’s 600th home run.
The real question is why people are disinterested in these stories. Brett Favre used to be the golden boy, the media darling of North America. All we ever heard about Favre was that he played ‘like a kid out of there’, he’d ‘play for free’, and that he’s ‘a gunslinger.’ Plus, he was developing one of the greatest quarterback resumes the sport has ever seen.
Currently, Favre is first all-time in completions, yards, consecutive games started, and touchdown passes. In every measure of quarterback greatness, Favre is at the top of the list (He is also number one in interceptions thrown, which is due to his propensity to stubbornly throw balls into triple coverage under the guise of being a gunslinger, but I digress).
If on-field success was the only component to the Favre saga, then men would be crying in the streets with the announcement of his retirement. Streets and babies would be named after the guy and I’m confident the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would probably make a motion to just rename the Hall of Fame to Brett Favre’s House.
None of this is happening because Favre completely shattered all of this goodwill and admiration with his wishy-washy ‘retirements’ over the past few years and leaving entire franchises unsure of the most important position on their team well into the first weeks of training camp.
He has said, with unequivocal certainty, that he is one hundred percent retired from the game of football on three previous occasions and has returned to the game weeks later. Yesterday’s announcement was number four. Rumours have it that Favre’s ankle is too busted up to play; what happens when the ankle is healed?
Brett, you can still play the game. You had one of the best seasons of your career last year. I know you hate training camp, so just say you’ll be there when you’re healthy. Enough with the waffling; you sound like a woman.
You’re a joke, a punchline. Everyone is laughing at your latest proclamation: ‘Oh, there goes Brett again.” Unfortunately, this is what you’re going to be remembered for first, not your on-field greatness.
If you’re done, be done. Otherwise suit up and get to 500 touchdown passes.
Tune in tomorrow for my thoughts on ARod’s search for six hundred.
(BOD - Ali)
And we’re back from a terrific long weekend. Baseball left me with mixed emotions, as did the tennis, but all of that is covered in the short podcast CSzem and I recorded on Saturday morning. You can listen to it here: Talkin' with Tewks Live: Tennis Grudge Match.
More importantly, it is the finale of Ali’s season of The Bachelorette. We’ve come a long way and Ali is going to pick a seemingly decent guy at the end. Hopefully this episode doesn’t disappoint like last week. I am joined this week by Rambo, so let’s get to the recap:
8:08 – I have wasted countless minutes of my time watching this show rehash the same footage over and over again. Why do the producers think ardent fans like me (and millions of women and gay men) want to watch the same crap we’ve seen all season? Just give us some new stuff and cut the finale down to an hour.
8:14 – Seeing Ali and her exquisite beauty in Bora Bora makes me horny horny.
8:16 – This is Ali’s biological family? Seriously? She certainly hit the Powerball numbers in that genetic lottery.
8:17 – Why are the ugly sister and brother pulling Roberto away for a chat? Who gives a shit what those wieners think?
8:19 – Ali’s mom is completely smitten with the Latin Lothario. Truthfully, who wouldn’t be? This might be the easiest ‘meet the family’ ever. I’m considering having him to my house to meet the family Tewks.
8:26 – I like how the producers tried to make it seem like Ali’s dad was going to play the bad cop when Roberto asked his permission to propose. Like the guy was going to say no. He probably would have offered some sort of dowry to sweeten the deal for Roberto.
8:32 – Is Chris actually bringing a basket of unwashed fruit as a gift for her family?
8:35 – “I’m a teacher also.” No one cares Ali’s ugly sister. She must absolutely hate Ali. How could you try to compete with that your whole life?
8:36 – Jesus, Ali’s mom needs to refine her bedside manner. So, tell us about your dead mom, Chris. Is that really any of her business?
8:45 – Sister Tewks believes there is an incestuous relationship between Ali’s sister and brother. I’m inclined to agree.
8:47 – What the hell is Chris talking about? The question was: do you love my daughter. How does that turn into a five minute soliloquy? It’s yes or no.
8:49 – I love how Ali is in a bikini and the two mutants are covered up. They must have zero self confidence being around that hotness all of their lives.
8:52 – “Her butt’s dirty” – Rambo. Glad you could be here.
8:57 – The show should really have a disclaimer if they’re going to have an HD close-up of Ali’s brother’s face.
8:58 – Someone shut the sister up.
9:05 – “Oh my God, he’s touching me, he’s touching me” – Ali with a look of disgust. That’s what happens to me every time I go to a bar.
9:09 – “This is completely unrealistic. These dates are too perfect. I bet they don’t even film when Ali’s on her period.” – Rambo
9:14 – “Speak English, girlie. Proper.” – Rambo admonishing Ali on her speaking skills. Ok then.
9:16 – I’m calling bullshit. There’s no way Roberto made that gay picture frame or wrote that speech. I’ll bet a production assistant did it.
9:20 – Wait, is she having sex with Roberto again? Is that even allowed? Chris has a negative chance of winning this thing. Poor guy.
9:23 – So is Ali going to do a walk of shame from Roberto’s room to go see Chris for their date?
9:25 – Holy shit, is she going to break up with Chris right now?
9:26 – Chris knows he’s done. The dude’s heart is breaking.
9:27 – Jesus, this is actually tough to watch.
9:30 – Both of them handled this very well. If I was her, I would have just sent him a text. If I was him, I would have thrown her off the balcony.
9:31 – Wait, I take that back. “Can I have a hug?” No, Ali, you can’t have a hug and don’t tell me to ‘hang in there’. You can go fuck yourself instead.
9:33 – “That’s a fake rainbow” – Rambo. Wow, you are heartless.
9:34 – Chris is just crushing this exit interview. It’s like his Bachelor audition tape. Well played, my man.
9:43 – This is pretty anticlimactic.
9:44 – Oh, we were so close to some Ali full frontal nudity. That would have been the highlight of my summer.
9:47 – That Step Up 3D movie looks like the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Although, it has given me a great answer the next time someone says, “Tell me about yourself?” My response: “Everything you need to know about me is in my dancing.”
9:52 – Christ, Roberto looks like he’s going to melt. Someone get the guy a towel.
9:55 – Elton John with Can you Feel the Love Tonight. Now this is a song. Much better than that On the Wings of Love crap from last season.
Now it’s time for the After the Final Rose special. What did you think of the finale? Post thoughts to comments.
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