I Am a Genius

Q: Tewks, how have you not been hired by a major sports network yet? I mean you have absolutely crushed your predictions thus far for the World Series and given your readers valuable insight from the perspective of a star athlete.
- Tewks

A: You’re a no talent hack who thinks his clever witticisms and sophomoric humour are on the cutting edge of comedy when, in reality, they make Dane Cook’s standup act look like the Second Coming of George Carlin. Here are three words you CAN say on the Internet: You suck, douchebag.

Wow. Sorry about that folks. Somehow AJ Burnett’s mom hacked into my blogger account and answered that question for me. It’s nice to know someone in the Burnett family has some testosterone.

Let’s rundown the major points from my last few columns to see how I’ve become the Nostradamus of independent sports blogs:

- Last Thursday, I waxed poetic about the excellence of Cliff Lee. What did he do last night? Only shut down the Yankees for seven innings without his best stuff. Sure he got roughed up a bit in the eighth, but that brings me to my next bragging point.

- On Friday, I remarked how a noticeably absent Kate Hudson was wreaking havoc on A-Rod’s game through the first two games at Yankee Stadium. Since requesting Kate show her pretty little bone structure at Citizens Bank Park, A-Rod has gone off in the last two games and been the best hitter in the Series not named Chase Utley. Plus, he hit two doubles and had three RBIs versus my new BFF Cliff Lee.

- Yesterday was my piece de resistance. Not only did I correctly predict a Phillies victory but I guaranteed an abysmal performance by Burnett and boy, did that ever come to fruition. AJ was just terrible last night. It had nothing to do with how much rest he had but everything to do with him being terrible on the road where he can’t suckle at the teat of his home fans.

There was great news from the post game press conferences, as well. After I upbraided Major League pitchers for being pussies, Cliff Lee said he would be available to pitch in Game 7 (on two days rest). Now that is what a man does. He wants the ball on the biggest stage in sports: Game 7 of the World Series. Circumstances be damned. Here’s hoping he gets that chance.

(For my non baseball readers, since there is no game tonight I promise tomorrow’s column will have nothing to do with America’s pastime)