I know I usually dissect episodes of Survivor on Friday mornings, but I was once again felled by a night of drinking and missed the opportunity. I am a pitching instructor for a local 13 year old boys’ baseball team. I am there to impart my infinite wisdom on the art of pitching.
How I am allowed within 100 feet of such impressionable minds is beyond me, but I relish the opportunity to give back to the game I love. Also, the parents on the team like to party. I planned on being home in time to watch Survivor but, as I was leaving the diamond, the coaches asked if I wanted a beer. Yes I would.
I walk over to their trucks and they have a case of beer laid out and we weren’t leaving until it was finished. And this was after a non-descript practice in May. I can’t imagine what that means for hot, summer game days or tournaments. I may well be a raging alcoholic by Labour Day.
Oh, yeah, I guess the kids are ok too.
I was able to catch Survivor on PVR late last night, but I was in no condition to make notes for a recap, so here are my quick thoughts:
I really could have done without the high definition shot of Danielle’s hairy armpits during the first immunity challenge. She looked like Big Foot. Also, what is wrong with her breasts? She should be getting her money back for that terrible boob job. It looked like there was crumpled tissue paper in her bare cleavage. Disgusting.
Parvarti is starting to grow me on a little bit as a terrific Survivor contestant, especially contrasted with Danielle’s meltdown at Tribal Council which basically led to her ouster. Allow Wes Mantooth to perfectly encapsulate my feelings on Parvarti: “I hate you Parvarti. I hate you with every fibre of my being, but goddamn it, do I ever respect you.”
Russell is just on another level mentally than the rest of the contestants. He’s like a Svengali. The way he was able to get inside’s Danielle’s head and just break her down emotionally was mesmerizing to witness. He’s also much better physically than most people realize. Russell is definitely separating himself from the pack in this game.
My upset special: Colby is going to win the whole thing. He was designated for elimination weeks ago, but somehow has managed to keep sliding under the radar. If he can ever find his long-lost immunity challenge prowess, he is going to be a very dangerous competitor in the remaining episodes.
I was also able to catch the hockey highlights of last night’s games. The Montreal Canadiens have so many horseshoes up their asses, it actually makes me sick to my stomach. What cheap goals they scored last night. On a personal note, CSzem is already insufferable and the series is only tied 2-2.
If the Habs somehow pull this series out, he will put on the blog’s no podcast list until Montreal is eliminated from contention. I can just picture him singing Ole, Ole, Ole for 15 consecutive minutes while I have a heart attack from the stress. That is not going to happen. The blog’s arrogant jackass threat level has just been raised to orange.
Johann Franzen is a playoff stud. I have literally never heard anything about the guy in the regular season, but he absolutely dominates in the playoffs. Six points last night, including a hat trick in under four minutes. He’s my kind of guy. Likewise, I can have sex three times in under four minutes.
Franzen also has a terrific nickname: The Mule. That tells you exactly what kind of player he is. If Franzen was Canadian, Don Cherry would have made out with him on Coach’s Corner by now. He personifies playoff hockey.
What a beauty.
Have a great weekend.
In Cuba, the very limited English speaking channels available on television led me to become a regular viewer of CNN during my naptime. I’ve never really watched CNN in earnest before, but I think they have to lead North America in ‘beating a dead horse’ when it comes to reporting the news.
They report the same shit over and over again, but just talk to new ‘experts’ every hour to make it seem like there are new developments in the story when, of course, there never are.
In a fortuitous bit of luck (from a blog writing standpoint), my CNN experience coincided directly with the signing of Arizona’s harsh new immigration law that has the United States divided. I watched a boatload of coverage on this issue, thought about it over the last week or so, and, now, have finally decided to weigh in with my opinion.
Illegal immigration is a huge problem in border states such as Arizona. The first draft of this law gave local law enforcement the ability to ask anyone they suspected of being an illegal immigrant (i.e. non-white) to see their immigration papers to ensure they were in Arizona legally.
In a perfect world, such a law should be able to work as the police force would only question people engaged in duplicitous behaviour or who ‘looked illegal’; they wouldn’t bother to question a native-born Hispanic family of four out grocery shopping.
But, then you have a problem of what constitutes ‘looking illegal’? What does that even mean? Surely, one man’s definition would be completely different from another’s. There is no black and white (pardon the pun) definition on the matter. There is too much room for interpretation and the opportunity for police to hassle legal residents purely because of the colour of the skin.
Plus, the Nazis tried to do a similar thing with the Jews in World War II and we all know how well that turned out. It’s a very dangerous precedent the Arizona government is trying to set with this divisive piece of legislation.
While I don’t agree with the first draft of this law, I was not pleased with how quickly the majority of the nation (many of whom do not have to deal with the problems of illegal immigration) were so quick to blast Arizona and talk idiotically about boycotting the state.
There is a reason such a proposal was put forth in the first place. Residents of Arizona are fed up with the problems of illegal immigrants. Can you imagine living in a border town and having illegal immigrants drag guns and drugs across your property? Or have them break into your house to steal money and food? Or engage in shootouts with border patrol agents footsteps from your front door?
Let’s not be so quick to condemn Arizonans until we’ve had a chance to take a walk in their shoes.
I love the amendment to the law, which states that police can only ask to see immigration papers if a person is caught doing something illegal (from breaking and entering to a minor traffic violation). What I don’t understand is how this is not a law already. Does this mean that, prior to two weeks ago, you could be an illegal immigrant arrested in Arizona and not have to prove US citizenship? That seems preposterous.
People are still claiming this law is discriminatory. Yeah? Well don’t break the law and you won’t be forced to prove your citizenship. Case closed.
I saw one story on CNN where a 21 year old college student was arrested for a minor misdemeanour and she was found to be an illegal immigrant and thus faces deportation. Social groups are up in arms that police should be focusing on catching drug smugglers instead of hassling this girl. Ideally, you would love for that happen, but the fact is she’s an illegal immigrant. Just because she’s not ‘a bad one’ doesn’t mean she’s not still breaking the law.
I am in a very generous and giving mood at the moment, so, for that reason, today’s column will have something for everyone. Last night, I flipped back and forth between the Penguins and Habs game and the Top 5 performances of American Idol.
Therefore, I will discuss my thoughts on the game for the hockey fans and my thoughts on the singing for my female readers. Plus, this will give everyone an opportunity to call me gay for watching American Idol in the first place. It’s a win-win-win.
However, don’t get used to this. Generous and giving are two adjectives that do not usually apply to me. Especially in the bedroom (I typically wear ‘Ribbed for Her Pleasure’ condoms inside out).
Before I get to the game action, I have some more vitriol to direct to the 20,000 Francophones who packed the Bell Centre last night. Did anyone else notice that, just prior to the singing of the American National Anthem, the public address announcer named the US-born players on the Canadiens roster?
Do you know why he did this? Because Montreal fans have a tendency to loudly boo ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ whenever it’s played. Now, I have no problem mocking and insulting Americans, but the national anthem should be off limits. It’s just plain disrespectful and indicative of the idiocy of Habs fans.
However, two minutes later, I got goosebumps when the crowd sang ‘O Canada’ in unison. What a terrific moment. I wish the singer would have put his ego aside for a moment and let the crowd take over. If Habs fans and I had a Facebook relationship, our status would be ‘It’s Complicated’.
Aaron Kelly – ‘Fly Me to the Moon’
Ol’ Blue Eyes would be rolling around in his grave if he watched that little pipsqueak tepidly warble through one of his greatest hits. How Aaron Kelly is still in this competition is beyond me. He sounded terrible, lacks charisma and stage presence, and he makes Justin Bieber look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sid the Kid was pretty much invisible to me for long stretches of the game last night, which is an improvement over Game 2, when I could actually tell he was terrible. Crosby had brief moments of stellar play, but they were few and far between.
The scrum at the end of the second period shows me that the Canadiens are getting under his skin. He seems be to be trying to force things way too much. I still think he might be hurt. You can’t go from thoroughly dominating Ottawa to disappearing against the Habs without a valid explanation.
Casey James – ‘Blue Skies’
Someone needs to tell Casey that the mark of a great performer is not grinning like an idiot through an entire song, no matter how upbeat or morose the lyrics are. The guy looks like a robot and just keeps turning in bland performances week after week. He should be fronting bands at local bars and pubs and nothing more.
The most underrated story of this series is the play of PK Subban. He was an emergency call-up when Andrei Markov went down and he’s gone from a sixth defenseman to the top of Habs depth chart in three games. It seemed like Subban was on the ice for entire game last night.
Plus, he doesn’t look out of place one bit. In fact, he dominated for stretches last night and the fans love him. How cool would it be, as a 21 year old, to have 20,000 people chanting your name?
Crystal Bowersox – ‘Summer Skies’
There’s nothing really left to be said about Crystal. She’s fantastic, although she may be developing more of a attitude than I’d like to see. She talks back to the judges and disagrees with any semblance of constructive criticism given to her. That said, she is on a different playing field than the rest in terms of pure vocal ability.
The only reason Montreal even has a chance in this series is because of the play of Jaroslav Halak. Once the Penguins got their legs going, they came at Halak in waves, but the Habs netminder was up to the challenge. If this series goes six or seven games and the Habs lose, my MVP vote would have to go to Halak.
He has earned himself quite a raise with his play this postseason.
Michael Lynche – ‘The Way You Look Tonight’
Good voice. Abrasive, arrogant personality. Think he’s way better than he is. Big Mike is kind of like my kindred spirit.
Marc-Andre Fleury out-Halaked Halak last night. For the first time this postseason, Fleury put the team on his back and pretty much carried the Penguins to victory. He made a couple of terrific saves that kept the game scoreless when his teammates were struggling to pull their heads out of their asses.
That save on Cammaleri’s one-timer was ridiculous. Fleury goes from east to west better than any goaltender in the league.
Lee Dewyze – ‘That’s Life’
Here is a contestant who is fantastic, but has no idea just how good he really is. Lee reminds me of Kris Allen from last year. Each week he just keeps getting better and better. Much like Kris Allen, I have a sneaking suspicion that Lee will ride this wave of momentum all the way to a victory at the Nokia Theatre at the end of the month.
You heard it here first.
Due to my Cuban vacation, I was unable to properly gloat on the genius that was my prognostication of the NHL’s first round playoff matchups. So, allow me to do that now:
Out of the eight series, I correctly predicted the winners in four of them for a 50% average. Actually, that’s not very good at all. Trust me, I know. I had the same average throughout my university career. I would have done equally as well flipping a coin.
Luckily, I’ve never been one to laud my hockey knowledge and I know for a fact that I bested some of the talking heads on Canada’s Sports Leader, so I’m going to get right back on the horse and give my thoughts on the second round series’ thus far.
(Quick aside before we get going: with the Toronto Blue Jays seemingly having at least one pitcher a week throw upwards of 6 complete innings of no-hit ball, I feel it necessary to weigh on the proper etiquette of how to broach the subject. Everyone knows that you don’t mention a no-hitter outright; that’s just common knowledge.
However, I got two texts last night in the sixth inning of Brett Cecil’s masterful start last night. They both said something like ‘Are you watching the game?’ and ‘How about Cecil?’ Right away, I knew that something historic was afoot. But, as a pitcher, I also know how hard it is to actually throw a no-hitter (my first one was last year). And it only gets tougher as the games moves into the deeper innings.
There’s no point getting excited if a guy is perfect through five or six innings; there’s just too much game left. It really shouldn’t even warrant a mention until the guy has thrown seven complete. Then, the finish line is in sight and the magnitude of the situation can be properly calibrated.
In sum: If a pitcher is weaving a no-no, keep your pants on until after the seventh inning stretch.)
Pittsburgh vs. Montreal
The Canadiens are playing with house money at this point and that makes them a very dangerous team for the rest of the postseason. They are playing free and loose hockey right now. Everyone, including the players, knows they shouldn’t be in this position.
As a proud Canadian, I should be pulling for Les Habitants because they are one of only two Canadian teams remaining in the playoffs, but I cannot, in good conscience, support an organization that has a fan base comprised of those douchebags I was forced to associate with in Cuba.
My man-love for Sid the Kid reached a crescendo during the first round, but I am very concerned with his play in Game 2. I’ve never really noticed this before, especially watching on television, but Crosby was absolutely terrible on Sunday afternoon. He looked lazy and disinterested which are two adjectives I never thought I’d hear about Sid the Kid.
If he doesn’t bounce back tonight, my guess is that he’s injured. Transcendent players don’t just disappear in the playoffs (especially after dominating the first round).
Philadelphia vs. Boston
I didn’t pick either of these teams to make it to the second round, so I am boycotting the series in protest. Boston, up two zip, has obviously been buoyed by the return of Marc Savard, which was great to see. I don’t see the Bruins letting this one slip away.
Vancouver vs. Chicago
My adoration for Bobby Lu and his masterful performance at the Olympics in February is only eclipsed by my ongoing hatred of Patrick Kane. My vitriol will never cease; or at least until I punch him in the face at a bar in London this summer. There’s actually a 25 percent chance that scenario will actually take place.
This is great series and I have to give Vancouver the edge at the moment because they nullified Chicago’s home ice advantage with that dominating Game 1 victory. Plus, the Hawks got lucky last night.
San Jose vs. Detroit
What a great juxtaposition between two franchises in terms of previous playoff success. It’s time for a changing of the guard. It’s now the Sharks turn to shine in the spring. Plus, they are currently up 2-0 after spanking the Wings twice on home ice. Even San Jose can’t blow this one.
Right?
(This week's BODs are all courtesy He Who Hits Bombs. They are photos of women that he pleasures himself to. Unfortunately, I do not have their names)
What a trip. This was the third annual heterosexual man-cation that Gretzpo and I have taken in the last three years. For those of you new to the blog, here is the recap of last year's festivities (It's a must read for some of the podcast points to make sense and also provides context for the disturbing pictures to follow).
Be forewarned, this is the longest podcast to date and CSzem and I barely scratched the surface of what we wanted to discuss.
Talkin' with Tewks Live - Trip Review and The Week in Sports
Now for the pictures. This explanation is borrowed from last year's recap:
Everyone’s seen Casino Royale, correct? The film where Daniel Craig breathed new life into the James Bond franchise.
Remember that scene when he comes out of the water all jacked up and struts on the beach looking back and forth?
Well we were so inspired by that sequence that we walked like that everywhere on the resort. Never looking straight ahead, in a perma-flexed position, we made hearts swoon with every step (both men and women; the Daniel Craig strut does not discriminate).
For your viewing pleasure I present the following:
Look at how much better shape we are in compared to last year's photo shoot. A better advertisement for Crossfit I cannot fathom.
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