The Habs Ensure the Brooms Stay in the Closet (Unlike Their Fan Base)

(BOD - Gillian Jacobs)

I feel like I’ve been unfairly harsh on the Canadiens franchise during the playoffs. In an attempt to maintain a shard of journalistic integrity, I’m going to dissect last night’s game from an unbiased standpoint (the column title notwithstanding).

I have nothing against the Habs players (for the most part); it’s the fans I can’t stand and I’m allowing that unbridled anger to affect my rational approach to this series.

The first period was reminiscent of the previous two games where Montreal totally carried the pace of play and had all kinds of offensive chances against Michael Leighton. This time they were finally able to break out with Michael Cammaleri potting his 13th goal of the postseason.

Cammaleri has been fantastic throughout the playoffs and he’s the key to Montreal’s offensive attack. He plays much bigger than his size and his propensity to score garbage goals close to the net are evidence of his heart and grit (I guarantee CSzem pleasured himself to that paragraph).

I think I got so caught up in the possibility of a Montreal sweep that I forgot an important nugget of information: the Flyers really aren’t that good. All I hear is how big and tough their defencemen are. Do you know what that is a euphemism for? They are slow, plodding meatheads.

The Habs finally decided to use their speed coming through the neutral zone and are just abusing the Flyer’s back end (Hey-oooo!). Philly’s defence was caught flat-footed at an alarming rate last night and, if Montreal can sustain that pressure, it will be a long series for Chris Pronger.

Pronger first began to draw my ire at the Olympics on February when he had no business being on the ice in key situations. He couldn’t keep up to the speed of the international game. To me, he looked like he was over the hill. Not just over the hill, I thought he should be taken out behind the barn and put out of his misery.

Last night, Pronger had a BRUTAL giveaway that directly led to the Habs second goal and catalyzed the Bell Centre crowd into a state of delirium (and more chants which shall not be named). I have a question: Pronger is obviously overmatched in the speed department. Players get slower once they’re tired. So, why the hell is Pronger playing 30 minutes a game?

You’re telling me that, at 36, Pronger isn’t running out of gas? It’s showing in his play. He can’t keep up. Why can’t Peter Laviolette spread some of that ice time around? Because Pronger is only going to get worse. I actually think he may be taking stupid penalties on purpose so he can get a respite in the box.

I said that I don’t hate any players on Montreal, but that is a bit of a lie. I can’t stand Maxim Lapierre. He’s a pest. He’s got a big mouth, but lacks the testicular fortitude to back it up. CBC’s cameras caught him taunting the Philadelphia bench late in the game. Now, I know the Flyers also have Dan Carcillo who is cut from the same cloth as Lapierre. I hate him as well.

Here is what I propose: on the first shift of Saturday night’s game, Lapierre and Carcillo drop the mitts on centre ice. They both land haymakers to each other’s temples, rendering them both unconscious for the rest of the playoffs. That way, we don’t have to see the ‘all talk, no action’ games they both love to play. They bring nothing to the table hockey-wise; they’re glorified carnival attractions.

Last night boils down to this: Montreal was not getting swept in this series and they were buoyed by the rabid home crowd. They’re still going to lose the series.

I hope.

No column on Monday because of the long weekend. Back on Tuesday with the first Bachelorette coverage of the summer.

Floyd Landis is a Moron

(BOD - Katheryn Winnick)

Initially, I had no idea what to write about this morning. I was meandering through a selection of admittedly weak topics; I couldn’t even comment on Game 2 of the Suns/Lakers series because I was in bed before halftime.

I toyed with the idea of writing a lackadaisical review of Robin Hood which I saw last weekend (it was great by the way. I strongly recommend it).

Not convinced, I decided to make a last ditch effort and check out ESPN.com. What headline immediately caught my eye? Floyd Landis Admits to Using PEDs Most of His Career.

Fantastic.

I’m not even going to comment on the fact Floyd Landis used performance-enhancing drugs. He’s a professional cyclist. All of those guys are on something that’s not exactly street legal. More to the point, I would say the majority of professional athletes are involved in PEDs to some degree (maybe not curlers).

The world of professional sports is too lucrative and there is too much money on the table for people to try to get by on hard work and clean living. That seems cynical, but it’s true. I’m not even particularly bothered by it anymore. It’s just a rational response to being a sports fan in the 21st century.

Back to Mr. Landis: again, the story isn’t the fact that he used drugs. It’s the fact that he so vehemently denied using them for so long, to come clean now seems somewhat pointless and arbitrary. Not to mention the fact it makes him seem like an idiot.

Back when he first tested positive, Landis made denials about his positive test, derided the testers for screwing up the results, saying the entire saga was one big conspiracy. Then he waged a lengthy legal battle that carried on for months which involved Landis telling every media outlet in the world that he was, without a doubt, innocent.

In his recent statement, Landis said that he decided to come clean now because he was haunted emotionally by his years of deceit. His life has been ruined and the psychological stress of his lies has taken an unimaginable toll. Boo-hoo, Floyd. I’m playing the world’s smallest violin right now.

The cherry on top of his four-years-too-late mea culpa was that the most difficult phone call he had to make was to his mother to let her know that he is a lying scumbag.

Truthfully, this is where the story should end. A disgraced Floyd Landis rides off into the sunset, never to be heard from again.

But wait, there’s more!!

Along with his admission, Landis has apparently sent emails to cycling and anti-doping officials charging dozens of other athletes and team officials with doping also. Does he have any proof of such claims? Nope. He has zero documentation proving these statements. Way to throw as many people as you can under the bus, Floyd. You’re a real class act.

We’re supposed to believe these accusations from a guy who has so freely lied to the public for four years? My favourite part of the story is this sentence: “He said he knows his credibility is in tatters and that many people will choose not to believe him now.”

No shit.

Lee Dewyze and the Philadelphia Flyers Are in a Class by Themselves

(BOD - Katie Holmes)

Another Tuesday has come and gone and another night of toggling between American Idol and the NHL playoffs, the eternal struggle of my masculinity, took place in the Tewks household.


It was Final 3 performance night on Idol while the Canadiens and the Flyers engaged in the second game of the Eastern Conference Final. Luckily, I was tremendously pleased with the results of both viewing options.

On Idol, each contestant performed two songs: one of their own choosing and one picked by the judges. Let’s look at contestant’s choice first.

Casey James – “Ok, It’s Alright with Me”

I have never heard this song before and I will have no problem never hearing it again. That being said, Casey didn’t sound bad. His performance was perfectly serviceable. And that’s the problem with Casey. He always sings in tune, but lacks any semblance of charisma or star power.

Crystal Bowersox – “Come to My Window”

Crystal gave a terrific rendition of the Melissa Etheridge hit, but the performance lacked the ‘Wow’ factor one might expect from the next American Idol. Of course, Ellen loved the song because girls who like girls like to stick together.

Lee Dewyze – “Simple Man”

Lee crushed it. I could easily imagine hearing that performance on the radio. If I knew how to download music I would definitely put that baby on my Ipod. And that’s the difference between Lee and the previous two. Lee is current, mainstream and has a marketable sound.

The Montreal Canadiens are getting exactly what they deserve in this series. Both the Capitals and the Penguins were flummoxed by Jaroslav Halak, a no-name goalie riding a hot streak of luck and nothing else, in the first two rounds of the series.

Karma has come back to bite Montreal in the ass in the form of Michael Leighton. Who? Exactly.

Leighton has been placed on waivers four times in his career and is suddenly George Vezina incarnate. He has completely stymied the Habs’ offensive attack and he hasn’t let up a goal since the first period of Game 7 against the Bruins.

The parallels between Halak in the first two rounds and Leighton this series are downright eerie. Leighton single-handedly kept the Flyers in the game in the first period, withstanding a barrage of Montreal shots. He gave his team a chance to regroup and then thoroughly dominate Montreal in the last 40 minutes, which is the same game plan the Habs used in the first two rounds,

Casey James – “Daughters”

An improved performance over his first attempt, but this song resides perfectly in Casey’s wheelhouse. It’s the equivalent of a 3-0 fastball down the shoot; all Casey had to do was put a good swing on the ball and it would go out of the park. Plus, thousands of women will be swooning over John Mayer’s insipid ballad, so there is a slight chance Casey could sneak into the final two.

Crystal Bowersox – “Maybe I’m Amazed”

Crystal sounded much better on this song than I thought she would. To use another baseball analogy, this would be a 1-2 curveball down in the zone. She was able to get enough wood on the ball to muscle it into the gap for a surprise double.

Lee Dewyze – "Hallelujah"

I wasn’t as blown away by this performance as the judges were. I don’t think Lee has the right sounding voice for such a melancholic song. However, Lee still sounded fantastic and this contest is definitely his to lose, evidenced by the crowd reaction every time his name was mentioned. If the audience is any indication of America’s choice, then Lee will win hands down. The crowd went bonkers for him throughout the telecast.

Philadelphia looks unstoppable right now. This is the first time I’ve watched them all postseason and I’m very impressed. They are outplaying Montreal in every facet of the game. After their third goal, the crowd once again started up an Ole, Ole, Ole chant which brought a tremendous smile to my face.

I immediately sent a text to CSzem echoing those sentiments. His response: ‘Go Fuck Yourself.’

With pleasure.

Honestly, I have no rational explanation for hating Montreal as much as I do. I actually liked them just over a month ago. However, that all changed with the actions of 50 French jerkoffs in Cuba and now I hate the team with every fibre of my being. Plus, it just makes being friends with CSzem that much more fun.

Oh Yeah, Basketball is a Sport

(BOD  - Kendra Wilkinson)

I had my second start last night and, after last week’s otherworldly pitching performance, I was due to come crashing back down to earth. I had what I like to define as a ‘Brandon Morrow’ start. It wasn’t epically bad, but it wasn’t great either. I couldn’t consistently throw strikes and my breaking stuff was non-existent.

I was also caught up in some hubris. I should have come out after six innings, but I had my mind set on throwing seven. This led to my downfall. I was running on fumes at that point and my entire body was just sore. Obviously, I need to rethink my Crossfit plans and taper my workouts more than I thought during the season.

Basically, it all means that I was up later than usual last night, which was a fortuitous stroke of luck for my inner sports fan. The NBA Conference Finals have just begun and, while I’m not a huge fan of the sport, I can appreciate anything played at a supremely high level.

Thus, I was able to watch the second half of the Phoenix Suns/Los Angeles Lakers game with a giant icepack on my arm trying to dull the pain in my throbbing arm and shoulder.

Initial thoughts: I really like playoff basketball. The pace of the game and the athleticism of the players involved makes for very entertaining television. I couldn’t care less about the Eastern Conference Final now that King James is at home waiting for whatever owner to back up the Brinks truck for him.

Truthfully, it doesn’t really matter who wins, the Celtics or the Magic, either team will get pumped by the victor of Suns/Lakers. Plus, there are just a lot more intriguing subplots in the West Final than in the East.

Can Steve Nash make his first NBA Finals appearance? Can Kobe win his fifth ring and catapult himself into the discussion of the top ten players of all time? Can Phil Jackson get his eleventh ring and leave all other coaches in his dust? Can Phoenix actually win a title with their run and gun offence?

The cast of characters just adds to the great basketball that will be played over the next ten days. Phil Jackson fired the opening salvo when, earlier this week, he accused Steve Nash of carrying the ball every time he runs down the court. Of course, Nash won’t let such a comment rattle him because he is a good Canadian boy, but Jackson is a master of the mental game and does whatever he can to gain an edge for his team.

The juxtaposition between Kobe the teammate and Kobe the lone wolf will be a major story as this series progresses. Will he sacrifice personal stats for the betterment of the team? Last night he scored 40 points, but he only took 23 shots. What happens if his scoring touch is a bit off and he ends up jacking up 30 shots to get his points? The Lakers could be in trouble.

Also, there were unsubstantiated rumours that Kobe didn’t practice all week and he had fluid drained from his right knee, although you wouldn’t have known it watching him crave up the Suns porous defence last night.

Kobe didn’t have to be a one man show because his supporting cast was terrific. Lamar Odon played like a man possessed in grabbing 19 rebounds to go along with 19 points.

However, it was just the first game and since it was played in Los Angeles, all it means is that the Lakers held serve. Don’t count Nash and the Suns out. They are much too dangerous and have the ability to score in bunches.

It’s going to be a hell of a series.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Survivor Finale

(BOD - Kate Beckinsale)

As promised, here is a podcast covering the season finale of Survivor 20. You may notice that someone is conspicuously absent from the recording. That is because he was too busy watching Les Habitants get pumped by Philly last night and is probably still wallowing in self-pity.

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Survivor Finale

Enjoy.