The melding of religion and sports has long been a point of contention with me and a source of highly spirited debate.In fact, in my younger days I harboured desires of being a stand-up comedian and even wrote a bit on the inclusion of God in sports. That dream died quickly when I realized that I am too good looking to do stand-up, as all funny comedians are differing degrees of ugly.
But Dane Cook is a handsome comedian you say? This is true, but note that I used the qualifying adjective ‘funny’ and Cook does not get within 500 feet of funny during his routine.
The catalyst for today’s column was Allen Iverson’s Twitter post earlier this week declaring his intention to play for the Memphis Grizzlies in the upcoming NBA season.
(Don’t get me started on Twitter; it is quite possibly one of the dumbest advances in social networking in human history. I don’t care what you had for breakfast or what club you’re hitting tonight. Shut the fuck up. I will never use it. I would rather give myself a vasectomy with a letter opener and a tube of A535 than open a Twitter account)
This is Iverson’s post verbatim: God Chose Memphis as the place that I will continue my career.
Really Allen? God took time out of His busy schedule to tell you to play for the Memphis Grizzlies next season. I need more information on just how God came to such a decision. Did He pick Memphis out of a hat? Did He and Iverson write down a pro/con list of every team in the league over a bottle of Cristal? Maybe AI and the Lord were at a strip club making it rain and one of the ladies God was infatuated with told Him she was from Memphis?
Since we now know that God and Allen Iverson are such good buddies, we can all infer just how the Lord feels about practice.
With all the problems going on in the world, I sincerely doubt that Jesus Christ gives two shits about where Allen Iverson suits up this year. Maybe I’m wrong, but if I was in charge of the creation of the universe and all that contains, I’d find it difficult to make time every morning to log on to ESPN.com for my professional sports fix.
When did it become cool for athletes to point to the sky after making a great play or thank God in a press conference for their success on the field? The worst part is that no one in the mainstream media has the testicular fortitude to point out how ridiculous all of this is; luckily I’m not even in the tributary streams of the media so I can make fun of these ignorant jackasses all I want.
Professional athletes are not the only celebrities to feel the need to shout their religious affirmations at all times. Rap stars are probably the biggest perpetrators of this syndrome; I love music award shows for the following sequence:
The winner of best rap video saunters on stage thugged out in baggy clothes and dripping with diamonds; his entourage stands behind him alongside his flavour of the week prostitute/groupie girlfriend. He points to the sky and the first words out of his mouth are: “I’d like to thank my Lord and personal saviour Jesus Christ.”
Disregard the fact the song he just won the award for extols the virtues of raping women, murdering snitches and rampant drug use. What’s more is that he’s too stupid to even understand such a blatant hypocrisy.
Since we now know that God and Allen Iverson are such good buddies, we can all infer just how the Lord feels about practice.
With all the problems going on in the world, I sincerely doubt that Jesus Christ gives two shits about where Allen Iverson suits up this year. Maybe I’m wrong, but if I was in charge of the creation of the universe and all that contains, I’d find it difficult to make time every morning to log on to ESPN.com for my professional sports fix.
When did it become cool for athletes to point to the sky after making a great play or thank God in a press conference for their success on the field? The worst part is that no one in the mainstream media has the testicular fortitude to point out how ridiculous all of this is; luckily I’m not even in the tributary streams of the media so I can make fun of these ignorant jackasses all I want.
Professional athletes are not the only celebrities to feel the need to shout their religious affirmations at all times. Rap stars are probably the biggest perpetrators of this syndrome; I love music award shows for the following sequence:
The winner of best rap video saunters on stage thugged out in baggy clothes and dripping with diamonds; his entourage stands behind him alongside his flavour of the week prostitute/groupie girlfriend. He points to the sky and the first words out of his mouth are: “I’d like to thank my Lord and personal saviour Jesus Christ.”
Disregard the fact the song he just won the award for extols the virtues of raping women, murdering snitches and rampant drug use. What’s more is that he’s too stupid to even understand such a blatant hypocrisy.
Also, why does everyone only audibly worship the Christian God? I’d love to hear an awards show acceptance speech from someone who believes in an obscure polytheistic religion. How about Greek Mythology:
“I’d like to thank Zeus, Hera, Artemis, Apollo, Aphrodite, Hades, Dionysus . . . . Oh, I hope I’m not forgetting anyone . . . Poseidon, uh, Hermes.”
Back to the athlete realm for a moment, quarterback Kurt Warner is the most visible sportsman publicly devoted to his religion. I have nothing against people who are devout believers; I just think it’s egotistical to believe that God cares about the outcome of a football game.
When Warner won the Super Bowl with the St. Louis Rams earlier this decade, he stated that he owed his win to his belief in Jesus Christ. Not once did he mention the hard work and efforts of his teammates over the past 8 months, just that God was responsible for the team’s victory.
Warner, now with the Arizona Cardinals, lost last year’s Super Bowl to the Pittsburgh Steelers. If I’m to correctly understand Kurt’s logic, if God was solely responsible for the win in 2001, shouldn’t God be blamed for last year’s loss?
Now there’s a press conference I’d like to see:
“You know, I think we played great and did everything we could but God dropped the ball. He let us down. I mean the guy can create the Earth in seven days but He can’t stop us from taking 12 penalties in the second half or missing that onside kick? Jesus Christ, I thought He was better than that.”
For those of you wanting to accuse me of blasphemy for writing this column, I would like to think God is on my side, as He doesn’t want to be associated with these ignorant, prima donna jerkoffs in the first place.
Amen.
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
“I’d like to thank Zeus, Hera, Artemis, Apollo, Aphrodite, Hades, Dionysus . . . . Oh, I hope I’m not forgetting anyone . . . Poseidon, uh, Hermes.”
Back to the athlete realm for a moment, quarterback Kurt Warner is the most visible sportsman publicly devoted to his religion. I have nothing against people who are devout believers; I just think it’s egotistical to believe that God cares about the outcome of a football game.
When Warner won the Super Bowl with the St. Louis Rams earlier this decade, he stated that he owed his win to his belief in Jesus Christ. Not once did he mention the hard work and efforts of his teammates over the past 8 months, just that God was responsible for the team’s victory.
Warner, now with the Arizona Cardinals, lost last year’s Super Bowl to the Pittsburgh Steelers. If I’m to correctly understand Kurt’s logic, if God was solely responsible for the win in 2001, shouldn’t God be blamed for last year’s loss?
Now there’s a press conference I’d like to see:
“You know, I think we played great and did everything we could but God dropped the ball. He let us down. I mean the guy can create the Earth in seven days but He can’t stop us from taking 12 penalties in the second half or missing that onside kick? Jesus Christ, I thought He was better than that.”
For those of you wanting to accuse me of blasphemy for writing this column, I would like to think God is on my side, as He doesn’t want to be associated with these ignorant, prima donna jerkoffs in the first place.
Amen.
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
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