The sun is shining, the thermometer is threatening to hit double digits Centigrade—which means the ladies of this line of latitude will soon be casting away the giant sweaters and unflattering sweatpants that mark the cold season for barely there short shorts and spaghetti strap T-shirts—and yet I find myself with a simmering rage for today’s column.
Why? Because the world is filled with an unconscionable number of people with extremely low levels of intelligence and it upsets me that I am forced to share the same air as these knuckle-dragging Neanderthals.
I realize this is primarily (I use that term loosely) a sports blog, but I really felt like I needed to weigh in on the following subjects as they produced a strong reaction when I read them. Moreover, the first issue was birthed from a sports-related story so it still somewhat applies to the blog.
Evan Longoria of the Tampa Bay Rays was the victim of a burglary at his rented spring training home a few days ago. It’s an unfortunate story where quite a bit of cash and the toys expected of a twenty-something male with a seven figure income were stolen while Longoria and his roommates (also members of the Rays) were at the field.
Why do I find this story upsetting? Because one of the items taken was an AK-47.
What?
Was Longoria’s house actually a front for a terrorist training camp? Why in the hell would any civilian ever have a reason to possess such a deadly weapon? What purpose does it serve?
I understand that Americans have the right to bear arms, but this is patently ridiculous. Literally the only use for an AK-47 is as a killing machine. Why are people allowed to possess these weapons legally? They should be used solely for military purposes only. There’s no way in hell a civilian should ever be able to get their hands on one.
And I don’t want to hear any bullshit about how Longoria might have grown up in a hunting culture where the possession of firearms is ok. I have no problem with hunting. But hunters can shoot animals perfectly fine with a rifle or a shotgun. They don’t need a sophisticated killing machine.
Bambi will still be dead after one or two bullets. You don’t need to litter a deer carcass with dozens of rounds in a matter of seconds or you’ll be picking bits of shrapnel out of your teeth while eating your succulent venison.
But Longoria needs to be able to protect his property, the American gun nuts will say. That’s what the police are for. Or a warning shot from your hunting rifle. Does the United States really need a bunch of amateur Rambos running amok ‘taking the law into their own hands’?
In sum, Evan Longoria is stupid for owning an AK-47 (and now some jackass burglar has it in the basement apartment of his grandmother’s house) and those who feel it is the right of every citizen to be able to own a deadly assault weapon is also a moron. And probably breathes through their mouth.
This next attack wasn’t even supposed to be included in this column, but I came across it randomly and couldn’t resist giving my two cents. My internet home page includes links to ‘lifestyle’ type columns and one of them dealt with women trying to change their men.
There’s nothing I cannot stand more than books and magazines with articles on how women can basically coerce and trick the men in their life to act the way they want. And there’s nothing stupider than a woman who believes such ridiculous shit and actually tries to employ some of the tactics (luckily, I don’t have to worry about this issue or such women).
The article is basically a how-to guide on dumb ways to change your man into Prince Charming (read it here).
My two favourite pieces of advice were the following:
If he doesn't open doors for you, and you hate this, just stay put (in the restaurant) until he comes back and opens it. It sounds ridiculous, but it works. And it's cute and funny.
Really? This is neither cute nor funny. It’s childish and you’ll look like an idiot. The big assumption is that the author thinks the guy will come back. If a woman ever tried to pull such a petty mind game with me, I’d smile at her through the glass, keep on walking to my car and relish the money I will save on gas not driving her dumb ass back to her place.
If you're meeting your man and he's in a rotten mood and doesn't greet you nicely, say, "Oh, I thought I was meeting my boyfriend who loves me." They'll get the hint and welcome you differently (and nicely.)
Oh, he’ll get the hint alright. And he’ll definitely welcome you differently. Hopefully something along the lines of, “Oh I thought I was meeting a sane, rational woman instead of a needy, uptight head case who will most likely spend the rest of her life alone because she acts like a child by throwing a passive-aggressive temper tantrum at every turn.”
Heaven forbid a guy is just maybe not in a good mood. Maybe he messed up at work, or one of his relatives is in the hospital or he just had a genuinely shitty day. Of course he should paste a fake smile on his face and not bother you with anything real because you’re a selfish bee-otch.
How the author actually got this drivel published in a book is beyond me. I love how she refers to her ‘boyfriends’ throughout the article. So, she’s not married and can’t seem to keep a man, yet she is the one giving advice to other women. Listen up, sweetie. If you keep pulling bullshit like this, all this talk of your ‘boyfriends’ will be the closest thing to a relationship you’ll be clinging to as you use your cats for warmth for the next thirty years.
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