MJ Reincarnated as Disgraced, Former Slugger?

(Note: I don’t really find Kristen Stewart all that attractive and I think the Twilight saga is unbelievably boring and stupid, but I needed a picture of a pale actress to fit in with today’s column motif and she’s the only one I could think of)

It didn’t take Michael Jackson long to embrace his inner Elvis and make appearances from beyond the grave in an attempt to stay socially relevant and to make the list of top earning dead celebrities.

While Elvis sticks to backwater outposts in rural Mississippi taking the form of old, random fat guys, MJ has stepped it up a notch by inhabiting the body of former Chicago Cubs home run king Sammy Sosa.

Have you seen the picture of Sosa circulating on the internet? My God, it’s absolutely terrifying. He looks like Powder. I would have included the picture here but in case anyone under the age of thirteen reads this I chose not to post it lest the photo haunt their dreams.

Apparently, he is not suffering from the same “I hate being black” disease which inflicted the King of Pop. Instead, he is undergoing an elective rejuvenating, cleansing process that is usually the bailiwick of rich, vain women.

Yeah, that’s much more normal.

I need some more information on this rejuvenation process. Do they just dip your body in paint thinner? Do they scrape layer upon layer of skin off with a cheese grater? It all sounds like some torture device devised by Jigsaw from Saw fame.

I love that Sosa is trying to downplay his freakish appearance by saying that his “whiteness” is due to the lighting in the photo. Umm, I don’t think so, Sammy.

I’ve never seen a picture of Denzel Washington taken under harsh lighting conditions that makes him look like Tom Hanks. Sosa looks like a character out of an old Dave Chapelle sketch.

This entire situation pretty much solidifies the assumption that Sosa was on extreme doses of steroids during his assault on the home run record book in the late 1990s. I’m fairly confident anyone willing to play both sides of the Paul McCartney/Stevie Wonder classic Ebony and Ivory would have no qualms about ingesting truckloads of performance enhancers.

Here’s a question: since Sosa was black when he forgot how to speak English when questioned about steroid use by Congress, does this mean he would forget how to speak Spanish when asked about this cleansing process now that he’s whiter than Wonderbread?