I Don't Like Technology

I am really hurting for a column topic today for two reasons: nothing is piquing my interest from the sports and entertainment realm and my new laptop was shipped to me yesterday afternoon and I am currently trying to figure out how to use it.

To my chagrin, the new Windows 7 operating system very closely mimics the setup of a Mac. I have never liked Macs or their users: pretentious arts nerds who spent all of their free time sitting in Starbucks writing the next great screenplay.

Listen up losers: no one cares what you are writing about. Maybe if you spent more time constructing interesting dialogue and convincing character interplay instead of looking around to see whose watching you while you sip your mocha frappachino, you’d have written more than three pages in the last eight months.

I know Microsoft made all these changes under the guise of creating a more user-friendly computing experience, but I am more confused than ever. No, I don’t want to personalize my laptop by setting up the background theme and mood of my computer. What the hell does that mean anyway? I’m not using the Hal 5000 here.

All I want from a laptop is the ability to write on a decent version of Microsoft Word and to watch porn. That’s it. That is all I require from a computer. Now I have to deal with prompts asking me to “Discover Windows 7”, “Personalize Windows”, “Share with a Homegroup” and “Change UAC Settings.”

Look, I’m sure early adopters love all the technological advances available on this new operating system, but I consider myself to be old school. I’m a modern day Renaissance man who is resistant to change. I try to limit my subservience to technology. I don’t take my cell phone with me to the gym or the movies, I don’t watch TV with my computer on my lap and I don’t use the Internet to find love (you know who you are).

I feel the same way about video games. I haven’t been able to play video games in over 10 years because they are too hard and the controllers have too many buttons. Have you seen the Xbox 360 controller? I bet the Apollo program contained less technology and was easier to navigate than that monstrosity.

My video game expertise ended with the original Nintendo. Give me a controller with two buttons, a directional pad and a scrolling 2D experience and I am a video game wizard. I implore anyone to beat me at Blades of Steel; I assure you it cannot be done.

I don’t understand the fascination of playing games that take 10 hours to figure out and require you to converse with other losers over the Internet on microphones. Do I need to immerse myself in a virtual world for eight hours a day because my life is a pathetic mess (don’t answer that)?

I would much rather lift weights and engage in amourous embraces with willing, REAL, members of the opposite sex. That way I don’t risk overstimulation and accidentally shoot my wad on the screen because I made it to level 4 on Call of Duty 2.