Talkin' with Tewks: In Memoriam

(Check out the comment from last week’s column about God and Sports; kudos to whoever posted that as it may be the first time Gretzpo’s Sports Blog has ever produced intelligent discourse)

My dear readers, all is not well in the land of Tewks this week. The sun doesn’t seem to shine as bright, the sky doesn’t seem quite so blue and the vibrant colours typical of late summer have been cast aside with the dreary realization that we have lost one of Hollywood’s pre-eminent leading men of the past 25 years.

The news that Patrick Swayze lost his courageous fight (would you expect anything less from Dalton?) with pancreatic cancer late Monday evening left me despondent and in a depressive haze.

I called to inform Gretzpo of the news; his dejected greeting upon answering the phone told me that he already knew. We proceeded to have a fifteen minute conversation reminiscing on the joy Swayze has given us over the years with his cinematic exploits. This impromptu eulogizing of the man was therapeutic and gave me the ability to sleep that night.

I waited until now to express my thoughts on his life, as I wanted to make sure I could accurately capture the profound impact he had on so many lives. This is a huge story; evidenced by the fact Gretzpo actually took his finger out of his butt long enough to pay his own tribute in a surprisingly well-written piece. I’m just as shocked as you are. I feel like I just saw a unicorn.

Also, I don’t think I was prepared emotionally to write this memoriam earlier in the week. I would have gotten two paragraphs in and been reduced to a quivering, emotional mess. Even now, a salty discharge from my tear ducts is flooding the keyboard and making this near impossible to type.

(Should I have watched a tribute to Patrick’s life on Youtube set to “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” twenty five minutes ago? Probably not.)

The essence of Swayze’s career and impact on popular culture can be distilled into a three year period, 1987-1990, and consists of four projects.

Gretzpo has already covered Road House (which might be the greatest guy’s movie of all time; it really does have everything and shows Swayze could play the tough guy with great aplomb) and the SNL Chippendales sketch with Chris Farley (which shows he had a sense of humour and could poke fun at himself), so I will discuss the other two: Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

I have no reservations saying that he single-handedly made it ok for males to watch a chick flick and completely enjoy it without feeling like less of a man. My one requirement of any chick flick or romantic comedy is for the leading man to be exceedingly likeable and just an all around cool guy. Swayze took both of these films, one a movie about dancing and first love and the other about eternal love, and made them enjoyable for men. That is no easy feat.

(If any guy says he doesn’t like either movie because they are too ‘girly’ is probably hiding some repressed feelings of latent homosexuality and is trying to overcompensate)

I saw Dirty Dancing on stage in Toronto last year and thought it was just terrible. I think the movie’s great but the actor playing Johnny Castle had zero charm, charisma or likeability. Patrick Swayze made the movie; without him cast in the leading role, Dirty Dancing becomes a two hour punishment ladies can unleash on their boyfriends for leaving the toilet seat up.

In Ghost, Swayze’s performance is an absolute tour de force. The premise is completely ridiculous but he makes you care about the outcome. In Patrick’s final goodbye to Molly (Demi Moore), after he has vanquished that weasel Carl to the underworld, I will admit a lump develops in my throat not seen since Rudy was finally allowed into his last game by Coach Dan Devine.

Ghost also deserves the honour of greatest romantic sex scene of all time for Patrick and Demi’s work at the pottery wheel. I implore you to watch this scene and not get an erection (or gender equivalent). It’s physically impossible.

Patrick Swayze can be summarized thusly: women wanted to be with him and men wanted to be him (although I might throw myself in the former category as well).

One of my biggest regrets is not including Swayze on my original mancrush list. It was an egregious oversight for which I have absolutely no excuse. The only thing I could think of to rectify such an omission was to include a picture of Patrick at the beginning of this article and eschew my promise of a hot babe at the start of each column.

Patrick Swayze, you will be missed greatly by millions all over the world, but you will forever live on in our DVD players and on our television screens.

Ditto.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.