Fantasy sports are gay.Truthfully, I could end the column there and my thoughts on the subject would be perfectly encapsulated, but I owe it to my legions of fans to continue my march to an 800 word column.
I am most likely in the minority with my sentiments on fantasy sports, evidenced by the fact it’s a multi billion dollar a year industry. I’ve been stuck in situations where conversation inevitably turns into a discussion on my friends’ fantasy team success and I tune out faster than when a woman wants to talk to me about her feelings.
Since I’ve never been harassed to join a fantasy sports league (I just figured that people correctly assumed that I was too cool to get involved), I’ve never felt the need to express my disdain for fantasy sports because it’s not really something people try to force on you. Like religion.
That all changed this year when I was asked to join three different fantasy leagues. I will never understand the draw of playing fantasy sports; spending hours poring over mundane statistics and picking different combinations of players in the hopes of defeating my jackass friends to earn the infantile glory of winning a fantasy sports championship.
It all seems like a colossal waste of time; the internet was created for nobler pursuits than fantasy football. Now I know some of you will say that I have certain proclivities consistent with wasteful internet use and that’s true; but at least my activities culminate with a happy ending and a satisfied smile on my face.
Most fantasy players will tell you that they join leagues for two reasons: to win money or for the camaraderie, bragging rights and ability bust the chops of their friends. Reason #1 is complete bullshit. You have better odds of winning big at the casino playing penny slots or playing online poker than you do playing fantasy sports.
The true monetary incentive of fantasy sports is (be forewarned, this is truly pathetic) that most players think themselves smarter than the majority of professional sports general managers. They think fantasy sports success would translate to real world on field success if only given the chance to be at the helm of a professional team. And with enough fantasy sports championships under their belt, they will have the necessary curriculum vitae to apply for such a job.
I sincerely wish I was kidding; this is the epitome of delusional thinking.
Reason #2 (camaraderie, bragging rights etc.) is just as ridiculous. Men do not need fantasy sports to fulfill such needs. Take Gretzpo and me for example. We bond just fine without the benefit of fantasy football. I have bragging rights over him in a number of areas: lifting ability, writing ability, trivia knowledge, prowess with the ladies; I could go on but we’d be here all day.
And I certainly don’t need a fantasy league to make fun of him. Just watch:
Gretzpo is an avid fantasy football player. He can’t watch the NFL on Sunday without checking his computer every five minutes to see how his “team” is doing. Now reread the first sentence of the article and the last piece of the puzzle on Gretzpo’s sexuality finally falls into place.
I find the term fantasy sports especially grating. Fantasy is a beautiful word that means imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained; I don’t want it sullied by 30 year old virgins jacking off to Albert Pujol’s on base percentage.
Mainstream society insults and ridicules those who devote their lives to role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons, Magic: The Gathering and World of Warcraft. I don’t see how fantasy sports are any different. To me, fantasy sports players are just as weird and sad.
Lastly, the only time I want to hear the word fantasy is if it involves a pair of 20 year old twins, a goalie mask, a riding crop and a pulled pork sandwich.
(If I have any readers left at this point, I will see you all next week)
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
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