Michael Jackson No Longer Able to Look at Himself in the Mirror

Michael Jackson's dead: I don't care. What's more interesting is how I'm not going to be able to walk three feet without hearing about it for the next week.

It's funny how the same media that built him up as the King of Pop, vilified him as a child molestor and ridiculed his Lord Of The Rings-like appearance will now collectively treat his death as important as Jesus Christ's.

The public is just as stupid: the guy molested children. Let's say that a registered sex offender named Tewks moved into your neighborhood: you have no idea what kind of crime he committed, only that he has an unhealthy obsession with giving girls a move he colourfully refers to as "the choke". He's a great baseball player and a talented actor that has enjoyed a moderate level of fame. He dies of a heart attack after trying to deadlift 575 pounds. Will there be a candlelight vigil outside of his parent's house? No... there will be a gathering of unsatisfied women lining up with bruised tracheas demanding compensation for their pain and suffering.

Why are we obsessed with assailing people and their accomplishments while they're alive, but sanctifying them once they're dead? Here's how my life could be described right now:

- Stuck in a dead end job
- Unable to hang onto a woman
- Power drinker
- Poor sexual stamina

But here's how I'll be eulogized:

"Gretzpo was a committed worker who showed the type of patience and dedication to his job that surely would have broken down a lesser man. While he was a frequent dater of women, he seldom had a relationship lasting longer than two months: this can be attributed to his keen sense of individuality and desire to express himself without being held back. While no women have gone on record as being sexually satisfied by Gretzpo, surely the law of large numbers states that he must have gotten a girl off at least once: even if by accident. He also enjoyed an occasional, social beverage: but never to the point of excess. He certainly never did anything like take home a girl two weight classes above him, bleed on himself, get kicked out of a Springsteen concert or throw a beer at a bouncer. His truly was a life of excellence."


Gretzpo is the founder of this site. He's like Larry David, and this site is Seinfeld. He wrote a lot during the beginning, and now leaves the majority of the creative work to a lesser writing staff.