Talkin' With Tewks: It's Not Time to Panic, but I'm Panicking

I usually leave dissertations on the Blue Jays to my esteemed colleague but, let’s be honest, Gretzpo can hardly be counted on to produce intelligent discourse.

The latest column idea he ran by me was, I shit you not, an essay on which Mortal Kombat character he wants to sleep with. The most disturbing part? Sonya Blade or Princess Kitana was not his top choice.

Furthermore, his work on the Blue Jays has been less than inspired; vacillating between his man love for Gregg Zaun and his wish to have Cito accompany him to bars so he can pick up.

While Cito is a terrific manager and gets the best out of his players, he needs to work with players that actually have talent. In that respect, Gretzpo comes up woefully short (much like my bedroom performance).

Truthfully, I have intentionally avoided writing about the Jays’ hot start because I didn’t want to jinx them. After the Jays dropped the soap in Beantown and were just brutalized by the Sox for three games, I deemed it necessary to weigh in.

First off, to the Jays fans ready to jump off the bandwagon, let’s all take a deep breath. Those of you who predicted your beloved Blue Jays would be in first place on May 22, please raise your hand. Those of you with your hands raised are liars and can go fuck themselves.

I am ecstatic with the first six weeks of the season. There’s a buzz around this team that the city of Toronto has not seen since the glory years of the early 90s.

The difference between this year and last year and the positive attitude surrounding the team is palpable. And this is with basically the same starting lineup (with a healthy Scott Rolen, Aaron Hill and Lyle Overbay).

Much of the credit can, and should be, attributed to Cito. How he went 12 years without a major league managerial job is beyond my level of comprehension.

The resurgence of the batting lineup has been discussed ad nauseam, so I want to focus my attention on the pitching staff; since I’m an accomplished pitcher myself I am more than qualified to discuss the merits of the Jays arms (four Cy Young awards from my university baseball days can’t be wrong).

There’s no need to discuss Big Daddy Roy Halladay. He’s the best. Around. Nothing’s ever gonna keep him down (yes that was just an excuse to link to a Karate Kid montage).

The Jays lost their entire rotation (minus Halladay) at some point this season. AJ Burnett went to New York to have a threesome with Jeter and A-Rod, McGowan and Marcum blew out their shoulders and Jesse Litsch strained his forearm from, I assume, jerking off too much. This is probably true; I saw him at a bar last year. Trust me, that guy’s not getting laid.

Brian Tallet and Scott Richmond have stepped up beautifully; both deserve to keep spots in the rotation. David Purcey was a bust, with tremendous control problems; he made Rick Ankiel look like Greg Maddux. Romero was a stud until he got hurt. Brett Cecil has the potential to become an ace-in-waiting and I need separate paragraphs for Robert Ray.

Little Robbie Ray decided he wants to be called Bobby from now on. Here’s a free tip from Tewks. Instead of worrying about what first name the media calls you, how about preparing yourself for a start at Fenway Park to stop your team from getting swept by the most successful franchise of the decade?

What a pretentious, piece of shit thing to do. Listen up Bobby; until you establish yourself as a bona fide major leaguer, keep your mouth shut and let people call you whatever you want.

If you don’t, and issue a press release demanding people refer to you as Bobby, you will get mean-spirited bloggers (like myself) bashing you unmercifully. Plus I haven’t even mentioned the fact you’re a shitty pitcher with an eventual career arc similar to that of Josh Towers.

From now on Mr. Ray, you will forever be referred to as Douche Ray on Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.

The anger and resentment brought forth by Douche Ray has been assuaged by the news that the Jays have activated Romero and Casey Janssen from the DL and sent Cecil and The Douche back to the minors.

This is the kind of news Jays fans need to bounce back from the Beantown Beatdown.

Halladay will right the ship tonight with a complete game victory and the boys will be off and running to finally make a mark in interleague play.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.