Talkin' With Tewks: It's Deja Vu All Over Again

Pop quiz, hotshot. The title of this article is attributed to a beloved, but eccentric former athlete. The answer can be found at the bottom of the column. What do you do? What do you do?

I saw Speed on cable the other day and would to take this opportunity to make a few observations.

Sandra Bullock is terrific in this movie. She’s funny, smart and what I call “wholesome” hot. This is by no means a knock against her looks; she looks great throughout the film. Too often in movies these days, the lead actress is made up to such a degree that, while she looks amazing, she doesn’t look realistic. No woman in real life can look that good (see Megan Fox in Transformers or Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith). They are fantastic to look at, but would be completely unattainable in real life.

However, Miss Bullock looks like the girl next door in Speed. She is still beautiful, but there’s realism in her appearance that gives regular guys the absurd notion that we could date her if given the chance. I could totally see myself sexually harassing Sandra Bullock at the grocery store.

After watching Dumb and Dumber religiously over the past 15 years, I can’t take Jeff Daniels seriously. I kept waiting for him to get his tongue stuck to a pole or have violent diarrhea. When he died, a part of me died (An excuse for a Rocky IV Montage? I think so).

I feel terrible for Dennis Hopper in this movie. Having to spend so much time on screen with Keanu Reeves would be excruciating and just zap my will to live. I’d like to say Keanu’s performance was wooden, but that would be a disservice to wood.

Watch the Hopper/Keanu scenes closely during your next viewing. You can see a look in Hopper’s eyes that conveys the following thoughts whenever Keanu butchers another line: “This guy is just fucking terrible. How is he an actor? He should be working craft services. Why did I agree to this? I’m a two time Oscar nominee; I was in Hoosiers for chrissakes!!”

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .

The Stanley Cup Finals, also known as the denouement of the greatest sports playoffs in the world, kick off tomorrow night. It’s a replay from last year as the Pittsburgh Penguins, fresh off their sweep of the Carolina Hurricanes, face off against the defending champion Detroit Red Wings.

This is the first time since 1984 that Lord Stanley’s Mug will be decided by the same teams two years in a row. In ’84, the combatants were the upstart Edmonton Oilers versus the New York Islanders dynasty.

There are eerie parallels between that series and the Pens-Wings showdown 25 years later. The Oilers were led by two superstars up front in the Great One and the Moose; the Penguins are led by Sid The Kid and Geno Malkin, who is proving that Russians actually have a little grit and sandpaper in their games and don’t always disappear in the playoffs (Sorry, I went a little Don Cherry there for a second).

The Islanders of yore has grizzled veterans like Dennis Potvin, Mike Bossy and Billy Smith; the Wings depend on stalwarts like Niklas Lidstrom, Marian Hossa, Dan Cleary and even have the geriatric Chris Chelios suiting up for a couple minutes a game.

The Red Wings have been a staple of May/June hockey for the better part of the decade. Their players know what to expect in the playoffs and comport themselves in a highly efficient, deadly effective manner. The Wings don’t let their emotions affect them; that’s what veteran teams do.
On the other hand, the Penguins were visibly nervous and apprehensive during last year’s Cup final. They were shutout in the first two games and before they could blink, were down two games to none.

The shellacking the Oilers received at the hands of the Islanders in 1983 was a tremendous learning experience for their club. They learned from their first Finals appearance and used the lessons to defeat the veteran Islanders the next season.

I am willing to bet all the money in checking account ($342 as of Monday; what’s up) that Sid and the boys remember the bitter pill of defeat the Wing force fed them last year and will not let the same thing happen again.

Let’s break this series down:

Forwards

I’ll give depth to the Wings. There’s no way the Penguins can keep up with Detroit if the Wings have all four lines firing. However, this will all depend on how Crosby and Malkin play. Currently, they are running away with the scoring lead; if they continue that pace, the Penguins lack of depth at forward will be a non issue.

Slight EDGE: Pens

Defense

A wash. Unless Lidstrom and the guy who had the appendectomy are able to play at full strength.

EDGE: Wings

Goaltending

For consistency you have to give the advantage to Chris Osgood. He has the pedigree, the wins and the experience. That being said, Marc Andre Fluery has more natural talent; if he plays to his capabilities then Pittsburgh can start planning a parade route.

EDGE: Pens

The Pick: Pens in 6

Trivia Answer: Yogi Berra

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.