This week’s entry into the sports blogosphere will be somewhat disappointing in length (much like Gretzpo’s manhood). The reason is two-fold:
1. Today is my birthday. And while I love dispensing my sage wisdom to you, my faithful readers, there are about a million things I would rather do on my birthday than sit in front of my computer and cuddle with Microsoft Word.
2. This is a preview of the greatest golf tournament in the world, The Masters. Based on Tiger’s virtuoso performance two Sundays ago at Bay Hill (did anyone doubt he would make that putt on 18?), he is the overwhelming favourite to capture his 5th green jacket. Why spend 1000 words on a column when four will do? Tiger Woods will win. Boom. Column thesis.
1. Today is my birthday. And while I love dispensing my sage wisdom to you, my faithful readers, there are about a million things I would rather do on my birthday than sit in front of my computer and cuddle with Microsoft Word.
2. This is a preview of the greatest golf tournament in the world, The Masters. Based on Tiger’s virtuoso performance two Sundays ago at Bay Hill (did anyone doubt he would make that putt on 18?), he is the overwhelming favourite to capture his 5th green jacket. Why spend 1000 words on a column when four will do? Tiger Woods will win. Boom. Column thesis.
I’d rather discuss the pomp and pageantry surrounding the week at Augusta National Golf Club. Once again, we’ll have to listen to lesbian feminists bitch about the fact there are no female members at Augusta.
Listen up Billie Jean King, Augusta is a PRIVATE golf club. They have the right to forbid entry to anyone they so desire. Is it fair? Not necessarily, but it is their right as a PRIVATE organization to do so. Stop crying about gender discrimination. They won’t let me be a member because I’m poor. You don’t hear me crying about wealth discrimination.
There is a Ladies Golf Club of Toronto that is privately owned and operated by women and does not grant men full memberships. Men can only play as guests; just as women can only play as guests at Augusta. Is it their right to exclude men if they so choose.
If you think about it, the real reason women are not granted membership at Augusta has nothing to do with sexism. Think of the demographics of the club’s membership: a bunch of old, crusty captains of industry who’ve probably been married since World War II. They obviously have nothing against women but, as I’m sure any grandfather can attest, once you hit your 50th anniversary you slowly lose your will to live.
They’ve had to put up the same woman’s constant nagging for the better part of their lives. Augusta is the only place these men get a reprieve from the suffocating presence of women and can do whatever the hell old guys to enjoy themselves.
A young guy like me would want some chicks around; maybe Hooters waitresses serving drinks in the club bar and some of Atlanta’s finest hookers looping bags. But these old fogies know better; women just ruin everything. Augusta National is basically just one giant bromance.
Now before you ladies get your panties in a twist, Augusta National is great for their wives as well. By spending all of their time at the club, the husbands have less of an opportunity to do the stupid shit that drives women crazy. Plus, with their husbands gone, the ladies can ogle their Panamian pool boys without making hubby jealous.
Also, with no women at Augusta, there is less of a chance that members will develop a wandering eye; their focus will just be on golf and counting money. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.
In sum, Tiger Woods will win with a score of 278 (-10).
With that, I’m going to the casino to play some African American Jack.
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo's Sports Blog.
Listen up Billie Jean King, Augusta is a PRIVATE golf club. They have the right to forbid entry to anyone they so desire. Is it fair? Not necessarily, but it is their right as a PRIVATE organization to do so. Stop crying about gender discrimination. They won’t let me be a member because I’m poor. You don’t hear me crying about wealth discrimination.
There is a Ladies Golf Club of Toronto that is privately owned and operated by women and does not grant men full memberships. Men can only play as guests; just as women can only play as guests at Augusta. Is it their right to exclude men if they so choose.
If you think about it, the real reason women are not granted membership at Augusta has nothing to do with sexism. Think of the demographics of the club’s membership: a bunch of old, crusty captains of industry who’ve probably been married since World War II. They obviously have nothing against women but, as I’m sure any grandfather can attest, once you hit your 50th anniversary you slowly lose your will to live.
They’ve had to put up the same woman’s constant nagging for the better part of their lives. Augusta is the only place these men get a reprieve from the suffocating presence of women and can do whatever the hell old guys to enjoy themselves.
A young guy like me would want some chicks around; maybe Hooters waitresses serving drinks in the club bar and some of Atlanta’s finest hookers looping bags. But these old fogies know better; women just ruin everything. Augusta National is basically just one giant bromance.
Now before you ladies get your panties in a twist, Augusta National is great for their wives as well. By spending all of their time at the club, the husbands have less of an opportunity to do the stupid shit that drives women crazy. Plus, with their husbands gone, the ladies can ogle their Panamian pool boys without making hubby jealous.
Also, with no women at Augusta, there is less of a chance that members will develop a wandering eye; their focus will just be on golf and counting money. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.
In sum, Tiger Woods will win with a score of 278 (-10).
With that, I’m going to the casino to play some African American Jack.
Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo's Sports Blog.
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2 comments:
Happy Birthday Tewks!
Is this the Lola from the song by the Kinks?
If so, I appreciate the birthday wishes, but I am not gay.
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