Talkin' With Tewks: Man-cation

FYI: My heart is not in today’s column. I have a lot of things on my mind, none of which concern eventually moving out of my parent’s house, buying a car or becoming, you know, a real man.

The real reason why the column is taking a backseat this week is because Gretzpo and I are embarking on another heterosexual man-cation down south. This time we are heading to Communist paradise: Cuba.

Instead of researching possible writing topics (i.e. picking a subject at random that I know little about), I have been focused on preparing my mind and body (specifically my body) for the rigours of an all-inclusive vacation. There’s no way I will break a bone this time; I’ve been drinking over a litre of 2% milk a day for over three months.

My physical fitness has peaked beautifully for this trip; the benefits of which will be experienced by the multitude of ladies on the beach gazing at my rippling physique. I have worked out every day for the past two weeks, mixing strength training, running and metabolic conditioning. Plus, I have played weekly volleyball for the past six months in order to return to beach volleyball dominance.

My runs and Natural Movement training have taken place outside with your man Tewks shirtless. I have to do this in forested areas as the sight of me bare-chested would cause innumerable vehicular accidents with women (and some men) craning their necks to get a look.

The lack of a shirt also helps create a base tan, so I can maximize my attractiveness at the resort (which is vital because my lack of personality and intelligence is all the more glaring whilst drunk).

For the past two weeks, I have really tightened up my diet and abstained from alcohol in the hopes of adding the two remaining cans of beer to my six pack.

You know what? That’s enough for me. I still have five workouts planned before I leave, I need to pick up a couple gallons of cranberry juice and study for my made up career that I will espouse on the beach. I’ve decided to go with hedge fund manager; once I figure out what a hedge fund is. Something to do with landscaping?

Gretzpo, fresh off his sexual misconduct from last weekend, should be able to articulate additional thoughts on our upcoming voyage (to the best of his limited ability).

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.