US Treasury to Bail Out my Sex Life

The US Treasury has just cut me a cheque for $7,000 in order to bail out my sex life.

To take a look at where my sex life went wrong, one must trace back to when I became an elitist jackass after working my way into spectacular physical shape. Assuming I'd eventually see strong sexual returns on my high risk exercise investment, I neglected to balance my portfolio with the foundations of female attraction: listening and communication skills. This gap in my sexual attraction pallet - the "coitus crunch" - has had a detrimental effect on me for the past year.

The so called "Sexual Stimulus" package, despite its bipartisan roots, has drawn both praise and ire from conservative and liberal groups.

Conservatives have lauded the financial bailout, claiming that if my sex life had not have been bailed out soon, the long term effects would have been devastating: with my sexual prime being wasted and legions of women being left unsatisfied.

Commented one Republican Pundit: "If this young man's sex life had not have been bailed out, the long term effects would have reverberated through the sexual system for years to come."

Liberals have fired back, stating that even with this infusion and me having more sex, there's a good chance that the legions of women would still remain unsatisfied: as my track record in this department is less than stellar.

"It is unfair that young men who mismanage their sex lives in the first place expect to be bailed out on the backs of the American taxpayer: plus this particular individual is Canadian - which makes the legislation all the more confusing," countered a Liberal watchdog.