Talkin’ with Tewks: An Explanation Served With a Side of Revisionism

Before I dive into today’s topic and deal with some general housekeeping, I owe you, my faithful readers, an explanation for my prolonged absence from this blog.

I’m sure most of you figured that I slept with one of Gretzpo’s acquaintances and his retaliation was to banish me from the blog. In the interest of full disclosure, I have never touched a girl that Gretzpo’s frequented with. YET. The primary reason for this being that his standards are just unfathomably low: if I’m regularly feasting on prime rib than Gretzpo’s filling up on Listeria ridden Maple Leaf deli meat.

However, this may all change with Gretzpo’s newest paramour. I will most definitely take a run at her provided she, how do I put this nicely, decreases in mass. But Tewks, how do you know this young lady would agree to sleep with you? I don’t foresee a problem there, guy.

The real reason for my eight week sabbatical is that I have acquiesced to full time employment as a sales executive for a top media and entertainment company. How did I get such a position? I have no idea. I pretty much watch TV in my office all day. The only difference between my life now and when I was unemployed is that I have to wear pants during the day.

Also, I have been hard at work trying to break into the entertainment industry in an on-camera capacity. I host my own sports segment on local TV and successfully auditioned for the lead role in a local theatre production. I also have another project I’m working on that is shrouded in secrecy. Sorry, but all of the above is a lot more fun than writing for this blog.

I decided to write a column now after reading Gretzpo’s latest effort. I read his piece six times and still didn’t understand what the hell he was talking about. My economics degree notwithstanding, my knowledge of the financial markets is limited to knowing that I don’t have a lot of money and I need more.

Onto today’s column:

Back in March I wrote a MLB (AL only) season preview that reverberated around the blogosphere; I thought it would be a good idea to revisit my predictions.

American League East

1. Tampa Bay Rays – Prediction: 75-87 Actual: 97-65

Wow, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. To be fair, no one saw this coming. The Rays are the feel good story of Major League Baseball. They followed an interesting path to their first American League East crown: be nothing more than a glorified AAA team and play terrible baseball in front of 500 geriatrics every night for 10 years, stockpile high draft picks then change your team name and play .600 ball in one transcendent six month stretch.

2. Boston Red Sox – Prediction: 100-62 Actual: 95-67

I’m patting myself on the back for this one. Let’s have John Madden break this prediction down: “Boom! That’s just a great call by Tewks right here. (Pause) What? Brett Favre threw for six touchdowns on Sunday. Boom! I have an erection a cat couldn’t scratch, right here."

3. New York Yankees – Prediction: 88-74 Actual: 89-73

My impressive prognosticating abilities are readily apparent here, so I have nothing to add other than: Derek Jeter sucks and I hope he gets VD during the first October vacation of his career.

4. Toronto Blue Jays – Prediction: 93-69 Actual: 86-76

Well I really took it on the chin predicting a playoff appearance for the Jays. I will chalk up this glaring miss to the fact I was blinded my Canadian-ness. Also, thanks to AJ Burnett for actually living up to his potential but only in a year when he can opt out of his contract. Asshole. Please come back next year.

5. Baltimore Orioles – Prediction: 61-101 Actual: 68-93

Boring. Baltimore sucks for the umpteenth year in a row and I still don’t know how to please a woman. Tell me something I don’t know.

American League Central

1. Minnesota Twins – Prediction: 77-85 Actual: 88-74

If the Twins and Rays meet in the ALCS, baseball purists around North America will throw simultaneous conniption fits over the fact the series will be waged at the Metrodome and the Trop. Fenway Park and Yankee Stadium they are not.

2. Chicago White Sox – Prediction: 75-87 Actual: 88-74

I’m assuming the White Sox will lose to the Twins in tonight’s one game playoff. My reasoning is plain and simple. Ozzie Guillen is Chicago’s manager and I hate Latinos. Just kidding, I once dated a girl who was Spanish, or Norwegian . . . something weird.

3. Cleveland Indians – Prediction: 95-67 Actual: 81-81

As a left-handed pitcher, I have no problem saying that if I was forced to engage in a Deliverance type activity with a ballplayer I would pick Cliff Lee hands down. Only for the opportunity to discuss pitching mechanics post sodomy.

4. Kansas City Royals – Prediction: 70-92 Actual: 75-87

I love barbecued spare ribs.

5. Detroit Tigers – Prediction: 98-64 Actual: 74-88

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Tigers for making me look like a jackass on this one. Here are my predictions for Detroit’s offseason: Jim Leyland’s lungs will resemble charred chicken breasts at his annual physical, Miguel Cabrera will visit an All You Can eat Buffet and Gary Sheffield will complain that he’s disrespected because he’s black. Take these to the bank.

American League West

1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Prediction: 95-67 Actual: 100-62

Francisco Rodriguez eclipsed Bobby Thigpen’s MLB record of 57 saves in one season with 62. K-Rod has thankfully put an end to one of baseball’s most existential questions: Who the fuck is Bobby Thigpen?

2. Texas Rangers – Prediction: 73-89 Actual: 79-83

I’m not comfortable making comments in this section because I don’t want to make a cheap “Josh Hamilton snorts coke off hookers’ stomachs before games” joke.

3. Oakland Athletics – Prediction: 77-85 Actual: 75-86

The Athletics have just Moneyball’ed themselves to a record below .500 for the second year in a row and your man Tewks called it.

4. Seattle Mariners – Prediction: 90-72 Actual: 61-101

The Mariners have become the first team in baseball history to lose 100 games with a $100 million payroll (Thanks to the Elias Sports Bureau for that golden nugget). In my preview, I compared Ichiro to Ty Cobb, only without the asshole personality. I may have been wrong there as news leaked out of the Mariner’s clubhouse that more than a few players wanted “to knock Ichiro out” for his less than sunny disposition. I don’t think that’s a good idea; I’m always wary of quiet, unassuming Asians. You just know that a full-fledged karate master is waiting to be unleashed.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.